otamot

Mot: means witty saying. Short for Mote (speck of dust), reverse of Tom (Cruise), which is in turn short for Tomato.

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Saturday, December 08, 2007
leaves are coming down

You see I thought that I would get down to this sooner- but I guess I was wrong, as I am on a lot of things, I have realized.

In a span of 38 weeks or 9 months I have come so far in a journey that started out completely different from where it will be ending in about a week. That's right, we're down to about a single digit on the day counter.

Where have I been? What have I been doing? Well, that's like asking a polar bear for directions and kissing the floor with your ass. If I could I would stand atop a super skyscraper and spread my arms like they were wings but instead of flight, I'd attain an acquired composure through the most unstable of methods. Yelling at the top of my lungs, till I'm out of breath. Twisting my feet all over the place, and yearning for someone do do that with me. Making belief, just to try to see if I could be happier than I already am.

I do not think I am happy, but yet I know I am. There is a strangeness in the knowledge of uncertainty in my life- a false sense of security that somehow gives the the very strength I need to counter it, work against it, and make my life REAL. To place myself back behind the wheel and steer myself in the right direction. What's next?

"It's October again, leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing has changed at all"

Today I sit here trying to think back on that empty space between this entry and the one below, but call it anything but empty. I have gone through so much- but have I changed? I don't think so. What I have achieved is a new perspective on things. Things which are till this day very vague. Very intangible. And I love it. Because this is what I want my life to be like. (Sometimes anyway) A rush of blood to the head, a blurring of vision, a gust of hair tussling wind sweeping you off your feet...and getting up with the help of your numb (and slightly shrivelled) hands, you find yourself teleported, of sorts, and of course, you don't know how, but then again, you've always secretly known that you had the ability to do such...things.

"I think I'll tryyyyyyyyy
Defying Gravity"

One year- and I am finally done with Orhan Pamuk's Istanbul. In some ways it was a difficult read, mostly because I always found the right excuses to distract myself from it. Still, I'm glad I made it through. The end was blissful. In some sense abrupt, but it was ultimately life-changing and for me, it connected in more ways than one. How uncanny as I thumbed my way through the pages finding more and more in common with him. Melancholy. Artist. Scavenger. Defeated Sibling. Writer. Intellectual Existentialist. Abstract Daydreams etc. And a whole lot more that is yet unwritten.

Unlike the chapters in the book, my own pages have left behind those whom I have not bothered to speak to or meet up with in the last portion of eternity. For that I can only feel sorry for the transient capacity of my good nature, and indeed, that of nature itself. I have seen and heard myself make the wrong moves, wrong decisions, but I have also given myself so much to believe in. Even more can be said of the people around me in recent times. I thank them for being there when I needed company the most, and even when I dreaded it, they still hung around to remind me that I'm not and never will be an island. Good has transpired, shit has happened, but life is peaceful, and everything's cool now. Maybe this breeze I feel is but the harbinger of a new storm, but at least now I know how to kiss the rain.

"Let me feel
I don't care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I've lived
Just a little"

I will be back with more soon. Need to snap outta this midnight mood mode. Yeah, I'm blogging again dude.

8:47 AM