Mot, Myself and Me Mot: means witty saying. Short for Mote (speck of dust), reverse of Tom (Cruise), which is in turn short for Tomato. Ashlee Simpson, Big Fish, Just Shoot Me, Red, Tomato, Blueberry Cheesecake, Rockstar
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from exit to exit CREATEUR ALLEY Alan Cheng Chai Jun Yi JonK Nash Zee Breakfast! Snee Navjote We Spank Shirin Christine Shumin Jean Trixia Victor Kenny Liyana Jo Jun Sheng Ajit Shib Yam Alps Mike Aparna Sarah Stef Jasmine Shimin Reuben Ziing Yesterdays January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 December 2006 January 2007 March 2007 December 2007 January 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 October 2008 October 2009
Saturday, September 30, 2006
lluvia de mar this sudden feeling of emptiness has just come over me, immersing me in perfect realization of my strange solitude. there is no one else at home tonight, and there isn't enough in me to push on. it's like stepping off a cliff and falling into an abyss of nothingness. aimlessness. swimming in a pool of quicksand- sinking further the more i try, and gosh, im breathless once again... suddenly things dont really seem to matter anymore. and this just shows how fickle i can be- how moodswings affect me. and then i realize that perhaps if you take away all the distractions lately, im actually just a sad, self-pitying person who wallows in a vain yearning that cannot be explained. and deep inside, i dont know what that is. i cannot articulate it, and i feel trapped in myself. anyway, the recent number of deaths has been brought to my attention a certain thing called the treatment of life. one was saying how cowardly and irresponsible committing suicide is. but i disagree, really. we only say that because we have no guts to do the same, and because we can never empathize although we think we can. oh it's just grades- what does it matter? we have done worse. oh family problems! he hasnt been in mine for sure. but in that judgement we pass there is a clear disregard for circumstances which perhaps havent befallen us. we are anthropocentric after all, and there is always the assumption that what others do with their lives is so trivial and that we cldve handled it better. you have no idea. we have no idea. i dont think i will ever have the courage to kill myself unless smthing bigger than all that has ever happened before happens to me. i know because on many of those endless nights i walked over to the window and faced the blank and the occasional lights in deep contemplation. and looking down, despite forgetting for a moment if i was really living a life that was mine, and despite being engulfed in surreal thoughts abt my existence, smthing in me tugged me back into the room of books, into the lights inside, telling myself that tomorrow will be a better day, and that nights like these just have to come and go. i wld envision my funeral on my terms. there has to be good music playing, and i would want people to remember me for the good things. so im not ready to go. i love myself too much. and that's living for myself. dont tell me it's a sin. so i dont think it's cowardice, neither do i believe its inconsideration, because inconsideration is the very thing that drove him/her to the other world. and right on if that's what it takes for people to notice you again, to realize that theyve hurt you, to make them feel guilty for the rest of their lives. sometimes things just happen and if it be that way, there's no reason for bystanders like us to pretend like we've seen it all, like we knew that person, like our values and beliefs can be imposed onto an analysis or judgement on their actions. just let it go. but i do believe, if i may air my opinions, that it was folly. if only- one more second, another day, things mightve changed from night to day. and i do believe that at the end of the storm there will always be a place in you which you can call home, where you can feel safe in your own skin and be not nobody but yourself. it's a waste, especially when all around you people are dying beyond their will, helpless and fighting for one last breath; or worst still, being confronted with a sudden robbing and tragic loss of a loved one. that aint fair. i cannot bear to think of things like that because they make me feel...squirmy. and once again i am inarticulate. hmmm. i pause now because i realized that a lot of things dont make sense, especially when we try to make sense of them. enough, no more.
6:10 AM
Friday, September 29, 2006
looking limbo the past week has been simply great- catching up, unwinding, putting things in perspective, and mentally preparing myself for a lot of things. i more or less spent the weekend slacking and moping around the house and the swimming pool, in front of the tv watching movie after movie. in other words, vegetating, as ive said before. but tuesday saw me embracing the newfound freedom! woke up rather early for KBOX with class! hahaha. it was the most fun i had in days. pure enjoyment and merrymaking and silly singing and shouting and just having a great ball with great company. somehow one can never go wrong with the class, and im very thankful for that. naturally i appreciated the english songs more but i realized that chinese songs aint that bad after all. the food wasnt super but all that singing really made up for it. colourful experience to say the least. and it was my virgin kbox round...so that's another first for the keeping! i have a malu-ating video of the rest of them singing YMCA with the moves! hahaha. they're gonna have to pay me off to stop it from leaking onto youtube with a full list of cast :] but you know. things like that. moments. they just come and go. it was joy's birthday...gave her milo which she sipped like a baby, as usual. anw while writing the card a lot passed through my mind and i realized there's so much to talk about each person in the class. but that for another day. in a tribute to joy, i will always rmbr her as the moon orchid wannabe, the aspiring pussycat doll, the nibbler, and the albino girl who tap dances and who only LOOKS innocent. we went to MIND cafe after that! boy i enjoyed it. zhifeng xtine joy and myself played on one table by ourselves since the rest ousted us with their strategy game of sorts. grrr. but i wld like to think we had more fun than them. haha. anyway we were head over heels in laughter over this game called Faces, which prompted xtine to exclaim that its the most number of ugly pple she's seen at a go. the animal pictures were hilarious. anw two rounds of it establish joy and myself as psychic buddies. xtine cldnt believe that she was actually losing in a game like that and zhifeng and her cheated!!! haha actually so did joy and i but wth it was still good fun! after when some of them left the remaining pple played this Idiot game and it was great fun too. shumin was an excellent teammate and those trivia questions were delightful. liked it when daryl 'the idiot' gave the answer as peanuts and he was actually right...haha. the free flow of drinks rocks. shld go back there again someday. well the walk back from paradiz was peaceful and suddenly most of them waved goodbye and trotted off to the mrt. zhifeng xtine and i were left. i mentioned that it felt like survivor and we were the last three standing. ok that was lame but yeah. roamed abt PS for an hour or so. enjoyed the relishing of freedom. just soaking in time. visiting ntuc and lego and what not...oh amd i bought interview with the vampire (dvd) for $12.50 woohooo! eat that! anw we finally settled at the foodcourt where zhifeng ate fish soup and xtine came to the conclusion that he was her dad. and the girl refused to eat despite time approaching 9pm but it was nice of her to accompany us anw. then at 9smthing i found myself alone and arriving ontime for possibly the first time in a long while. it was great hanging out with the ole bunch again! i was actually extremely zombiefied by then- having walked around town the whole day. but somehow we slept late, as with all sleepovers. i figured there was plenty of lazing arnd and toying arnd with cc's computer but eventually we got down to games of categories inspired by 987's shan wee and each of us had the chance to be 'authorities' on our areas of expertise, which was funn. then godknows what else we did to pass time. i rmbr making them watch lotsa rockstar videos- but obviously not everyone cld appreciate. oh well. bummers haha. alan amazingly finished his comic books and was busy most of the time havin sms sex. jonk was being a prig. cc was flirting with joy on the phone. anw those little things just came together eventually and i liked how we cld still hit it off after so long lah. it has been a long time, really. anyhow, the next day- late, as expected. but seeing ms heng again was the best reward ever! nash joined us and we went to crystal jade for lunch, then roamed arnd the opera gallery and kinokuniya before settling down at the coffe club for tea. ahh it was nice catching up and ms heng's become more of a friend than anything and im so thankful for that. a lot of advice from her and i will always respect her for that- teaching us kindness and respect and love and well, let's not talk abt the chinese. no prizes for guessing that yours truly was worst in chinese but well i tried and im gonna brush it up soon. nash gave a wonderful rundown of his mother and i really think he shld write a book abt her and how she has through drastic means (for lack of the better word) really prepared him for life. the woman warrior story of spore, with nash's mom as brave orchid. haha. anw...oh ms heng. felt i let her down on the chinese bit but well hopefully i can redeem myself soon. i really dont know if she's realized how much she's given us- at least i feel that way- so much so much. positive love. i miss a lot of teachers. i miss my maids too. problem is, i might never meet a good bulk of them for the rest of my life. and that makes me very sad. i need to keep the people around me, closer. well the whirlwind outing i had ended after that. wish we spent more time together, but it was good unwinding nonetheless. and for a moment time stopped in that limbo. no results. five days of proper slacking. and having a lot of alone time to reflect. anw trip to borders was accidental and guess who i met again...russell! gotta love that albino guy. and it was at the same dvd offer place near the design books which is crazy. haha. that's how small singapore is and how coincidental things can get. had a nice chat and i appreciate spontaneous stuff like this. i think it just shows a different and real side of a person when that happens. and today lawrence on msn and navjote too were great convos for different reasons. and lunch with class was a return to the good ole times. i love how we're so familiar with each other now. so at the end of the day i believe that everything happens for a reason. even if it's the decision to take the bus instead of the mrt and walking into borders, or bad grades waking us up from our academic slumber, or tuning in to another radio station in the middle of the night and hence winning smthing, i think life has been fair in that the karma police have been at work. one of these days i will get there and im gonna work hard for what i want from now on. and i BELIEVE. suddenly i just wanna throw everything away and live my goals out. some things i want to accomplish in the coming years: - get the perfect score for As. - learn the guitar/piano. - learn russian and visit russia. - buck up and bulk up. and as always become a better person. i wanna travel the world and experience and live the world, like russell said, and not just remain in some corner of the world, even as we are seeking to understand our purpose in this space we call the universe. and i wanna be like navjote and be brave and strive for that accomodating factor in the human element! my grades are teetering at the moment so no point discussing an inconclusive matter. im just thankful it aint any worse than it is at the moment, which is smthing we tend to take for granted. to all those with me, just know that we will get there, somehow. and we're gonna lead beautiful lives from now on. because life is beautiful. "ipod, therefore i am." :]
5:54 AM
Sunday, September 24, 2006
smilerp movies i have watched since the end of prelims: the devil wears prada hide and seek losing isaiah lackawanna blues the brooke ellyson story a lot like love and that's vegetating before the tv for you. it's always an anti-climax isnt it? that's the problem. like you cannot fully enjoy it until it's too late. i dont think i will ever feel completely free until i get back the results next year. ultimately everything boils down to the results, if you think about it. but but im really not gonna worry my life away like that. it has after all been an accomplishment, surviving the late nights and crazy last minute cramming, day after day, stress levels hitting all time highs, and those lonesome nights when you just feel like jumping... the weeks leading up to prelims were probably screaming out for me to start even the teeniest bit of revision, but procrastination for the better of me, again. i cannot emphasize how much that bothers me. but it's all one. ultimately i had to pay the price. but sometimes you feel the knots in your tummy and you cant help but hate yourself and think: what the hell were you doing for the past few weeks?! rock star: supernova! the best weekly entertainment in the longest time. really much more to look forward to than the idol franchise that's for sure. anw lukas won and well i guess it was a blind choice right from the start, but that's the way things go in the industry i suppose. dilana will go far and so will the good ones like storm and ryan and magni...they really didnt need the band! but here's to weeks upon weeks of solid rock and hard thumping euphoria. i was a fan i tell you, a fan of them all. and at the end of the day, who doesnt love brooke burke? haha. here's to an amazing season and hopefully another smashin' one to come! QUEEN please!!! anw that was like midway through prelims, and the going was tough! i must say it has been the toughest mugging spree ive ever been on, and yes i was warned, but i had no idea. my ability to focus is terrible. i stand up every 5 minutes for the toilet or more water or to flip through the papers. in a good way i had tons of water in my system the whole day, and i did not fall back on my knowledge of the world. but oh the temptations all around me. the tv and the computer. two greates evils when it comes to studying. i managed to starve off the com with much success, so pat on the back for that. as for tv, well i also kept it to rockstar so kudos to me for that too. but i was going crazy. although, if you think about it, i kinda grew out of my dependency on the com and tele such that it really didnt matter. but knowing that and facing the cruel books are two different things that should never go together for the sake of sanity. i cannot stand silence very well, so thank god for the radio! announcing my two latest radio conquests! haha with much humility i won 1) a rock star: supernova goodie bag from starworld, which had more starworld stuff than rockstar stuff but still cool! i was supposedly put into a draw for tickets to the finale in LA but that didnt work out in the end, or i wldve flown my ass over and hecked prelims. you bet. so for this, happy twelfth birthday power 98!!!! 2) a $100 scissor sisters cd hamper :] i must admit to betraying power 98 here. on a night of boredom i switched over to 987 and played shan wee's game of categories, which were things you can cut, magic, and types of dance. won the last two and thus making this by far my most challenging radio endeavour by far. i dont think i was ever made to compete with another person on air for a prize...but i cldnt let this one go, and i didnt! so yay me. the girl i competed with was great though, and i only won by a really close shave. a little worrying that they havent gotten back to me on the prize yet though. like i said, not my territory. but can we get a 'hell yeah"?! so anyway that gave me drive to 'press on' as mrs perry might say. at this point i really wanna thank her for her encouragement. it's really only prelims- and im gonna try to take the results, whatever they may be, with stride and work on whatever needs to be worked on. 'no whinging' as mr reeves would say, and yes im just gonna try to get an early start and not repeat the mad rush that left me peeing in my pants. figuratively, i suppose. tuning in to the radio during exam period would mean those songs will for a good time be associated with exam aid songs. in sec 3 my exam aid playlist was michelle branch's hotel paper. in sec 4 it was ashlee's autobiography. last year it was songs like crow's good is good, switchfoot stars etc. this year's list goes something like that, which would be familiar to the initiated: - london bridge, fergie - tokyo drift, teriyaki boys - too little too late, jojo - dont feel like dancing, scissor sisters - sexy back, justin timberlake - smile, lily allen - you and your hand, pink - call me when you're sober, evanescence - hate me, blue october - boston, augustana blah blah blah i actually wanted to do a run down of all the subjects and how i somehow magnificently pulled through (though how well remains to be seen), but im lazy and some things are better left unsaid. history ass was like an ant that wouldnt go away. when it finally did on friday, i was kinda sad actually. but extremely relieved initially. rolly said: "i know that's your last paper...for NOW" which really made me wanna enjoy myself as much as i can now. then he showed us euro hist results, which was really gratifying for a group effort...all As and Bs! i got a bee, but i guess i cannot be greedy. i dont deserve much for a last minute effort anyway. and yes, everything happens for a reason. that dulled my mood for a while but the classmates made me happy. thank you. on a happy note i actually opened my ipod! VERY belated i know. since april you know. obviously the marlow in me has been yelling: RESTRAINT. but not anymore!!! meet mot joe black people! now i can be happy all the time, because music is my escape for a good 90% of the time. and people and other stuff make up 10% of the time. but if ive learnt anything in this past few weeks, or years even, especially after watching shows like brooke ellyson and lackawanna...its that miracles happen to us all the time- we just have to look for them in the people around us, and we can find them there. and i guess these people might change- the groups you socialize with shift over time, maybe because you change as aperson too, but at the end of the day, we are never alone (i would like to think). never is a big word, but we really must NEVER take anyone for granted, especially our parents, i feel. argh everyone just go watch brooke ellyson and lackawanna! sometimes i watch stuff and feel that i just got a life changing deal...but then inertia takes over and i feel horribly inadequate at controlling my own life. but this is my life and i know i can change it! i just have to stop blogging about it. bleah. anyway, if anybody has watched Contact, the jodie foster one, i shld think i wld wanna travel for 18 hours out into space and understand that we are but bacteria compared to the rest of the universe. and i want my mind enlarged, like the russian harlequin (not by trivial human charisma, but by the beauty of the world beyond us) , and i need to know just what is out there, and that there is after all, no faith but one in humanity and in the universe as a cosmic entity. and i will be in constant search for what i know is the truth. and you cannot sit there and feel you know more than me, because it doesnt bother me what insecurities you have. and for some i just need to know why because i understand the goodness in you. and for once, then, something! gosh i really need to do an ipod commercial with my silhouette now! i must say that i have developed rockstar tendencies over the past few weeks. i think one day i will finally rid myself of the bitter taste that lingers in my very being. but now i feel that i know what so many pple just cannot ever know. and i know it's true. and all i need is to be loved. on a last note, i hope i dont have body dysmorphic disorder, but symptoms are indicating otherwise. this had ended on a totally off note. i know. tomorrow will be a better day.
9:22 AM
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