otamot

Mot: means witty saying. Short for Mote (speck of dust), reverse of Tom (Cruise), which is in turn short for Tomato.

Ashlee Simpson, Big Fish, Just Shoot Me, Red, Tomato, Blueberry Cheesecake, Rockstar

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006
grarghh

hmmm.
i wonder if some things will ever change.
it's like, im caught in this rut, swimming my way out, but to no avail.
with age, it gets deeper, because it means ure mature enough to think and control your temper and all and the pple you hurt know that too so they probably regard you with some form of disappointment because yeah they probably think this kid's not gonna get any better- well, will things ever change?
ive been wondering although one might feel sincere and patch up after saying sorry and all, the relapse that comes once in a while, what does that signify? obviously the root of the problem has not been solved right. but then if ure the one who feels the relapse, then doesnt that mean the problem is with you.
this is very difficult to sort out, and tiring as well. lousy is the feeling. sucks shit.
i wanna eat up all my words. all the horrible things ive done and said i wanna take it backk. but there's so much of that that i'll probably take forever- and i jolly well know i cant. when a person forgives, he does not forget. you cannot forget. how can you?
i have knocked those nails in hard. but now, as they lie bent and dead and cold on the ground, i cant help but notice the holes from which they fell from. say i make new fences, the old ones will go to some dump, but never disappear. the scars i have put on others, i inflict on myself tenfold. guilt. regret. all of it lah.
i cannot look at myself in the mirror and feel truly proud ever again. what kind of nonsense have i become? a monarch in some ways, a monster in others.
sorry really seems to be the hardest word. is it even worth the trouble?

8:36 AM