otamot

Mot: means witty saying. Short for Mote (speck of dust), reverse of Tom (Cruise), which is in turn short for Tomato.

Ashlee Simpson, Big Fish, Just Shoot Me, Red, Tomato, Blueberry Cheesecake, Rockstar

CREATEUR ALLEY

Alan Cheng Chai Jun Yi JonK Nash Zee Breakfast! Snee Navjote We Spank Shirin Christine Shumin Jean Trixia Victor Kenny Liyana Jo Jun Sheng Ajit Shib Yam Alps Mike Aparna Sarah Stef Jasmine Shimin Reuben Ziing

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Sunday, November 06, 2005
in another life

heyy i was sitting in the same spot on my room's sofa just now thinking how i have been spending the past two days. it has been the most unproductive, esp relative to all the fun rehearsals that i will continue to sorely miss.
i guess, sometimes being busy is a bliss.
there are a million things awaiting my intervention, like pw, and tons of stuff to occupy my eyes and mind, like woman warrior and econs articles.
been bloghopping quite a bit lately. i guess its always nice to hear what pple have to say abt your performance. or rather, read. but after a while, i guess the search just makes you feel so tiny. ok i dont know how to continue, so i shant.
just saw mr reeves on tv, and i realize that i got a rather similar haircut. now that's fun.
without a trace was a great treat for me, esp the last part abt vivien and her heart condition. i can just imagine how she had to put on that amazingly brave front- that scene with her crying in the car, then wiping away the tears and walking into the crime scene. man.
it then occured to me that just exactly a week ago i was watching without a trace also, rediscovering it on tv for the first time in so long, and having the performance week ahead at the back of my mind. look now, its come and gone.
how our lives just flicker, like butterflies and candle flames.

i forgot to make mention of ihc after the promos. i guess i just didnt bother to blog down everything after that cuz maybe for once, i was really having that much fun in a long time. yeah, without having to fulfil this unsaid obligation of putting things down into words. shaun had to remind me that i dont have to put it down. you know what- so true. why do i have to? maybe because i want to. but, what do i really want? do i know that for sure? one thing's certain- im a confused kid.
i will not forget the fun i had playing table tennis. i was unspeakably proud of the pple who really came down and gave their all. junxing was amazing cuz she swept away the women's singles. kudos also goes to matthew and the other guy (shucks i forgot his name) for winning all our male doubles. they were, in short, unstoppable. there were pple like alvin and sandhya whose utmost sincerity really touched me. we need more pple like that! i figure i got down to naming all those pple cuz of obligation again. cuz of the near impossibility that they might be reading this and feel disappointed if their names aint mentioned. well so much for obligation, to heck with thinking too much, and here you go. i was really proud of my 3 dear friends, namely nash, alan and ccc for their enthusiasm. so much for reliving the 2a table tennis days with animal farm textbooks eh? how cld i forget christine- we rocked! it was sweet success for a while. mt ended up fourth for tt, but i guess we had fun. at least pple turned up and played well. busted my left wrist after that from breaking a fall. i still cant believe it happened. but i kinda miss not being able to lift up my hand without feeling that pain. a part of me wished it was a fracture. so i cld have the cool cast and all. of course, it wldve been my first fracture! but noo...xray proved otherwise. oh well by the next day it went away. haha. track finals came and went. mt climbed to third i believe. and guess what? we won decor! by sheer originality i assure the cynics from mr. whether we deserved it or not is another matter. this cld not have been done w/o help from jonk and alan. see, such friends, they dont need to be in house comm. they are just the nicest pple u can count on. i almost lost my temper i think. i hide my face in shame. jerry was kinda upset with the results i think. but i guess he doesnt know how much respect he has earned from me. i guess i must say despite my trying to do what i could to help out, i just wasnt doing enough as a house comm member. i mean i look at junyi and dani and the rest and sometimes i wonder if im really doing enough. aesthetics events are coming up, and nash is gonna lead us to greater heights, i just know it! cant wait. if anything, the new mt noticeboard really speaks for it all. moor tarbet rawks!

open house also came and went, as all other things do and did. i was looking down from the second floor at the amphi full of ri guys and i realized that all of them probably dont know how lucky they are. saw iz and matthew the other day after friday's show and i presumed they wld be sad but yeah iz acutely pointed out that all of the same pple wld be moving on with them. dang! you know how much i wld pay for some pple to be in rj with my batch too? how many tears were shed during the after 1st3mths period? gosh. but i guess im glad. i have an olvl cert to be proud of. i think the incoming batch, well, let's hope aside from the few pple i know, that they are all equally decent. and it sucks that very limited places are open to non raffles peeps. do u know how much more dynamic the place is becuz of these peeps? i cldnt imagine it w/o them. thus im thankful to be in my batch. ahhh. we shall see. oh yeah so i was a befriender and it was kinda cool busking for rp too. and doing the hums noticeboard! ahhh that was enjoyable really. was incredibly honoured when i had to do the cca board painting too. i guess i felt really satisfied completing 3 works of art for open house. busy, but fun.

i reckon 3some rhrsals were not full force yet. hey no, actually we alrdy had night rhrsals. our first week i think. sigh. see. i cant seem to really leave it all behind. i guess it will take sometime. im just glad i dont have an exam to face anytime soon. after cut, it was truly sucky because i had prelims to think abt. come to think of it i was so lucky. nvm. im content. at least im secure in some areas of my life to draw strength from. yeah. so speaking of art, there was also artsalive at the library! yeah for those who dont know philip won first and then serene, a j2 and myself bagged merit awards! wheee! was actually so elated to have actually won smthing. strangely no 2nd/3rd. but kudos to philip- tho no doubt im sour that bb had to win again! mt is so gonna come back with a vengeance i tell you.

i realize i never really gotta enjoy the milk tea with my fellow roadrunners. here i go again. i can safely say that I Am Me will probably bring this experience to mind. you know, just like how certain songs/cds will bring u back to a certain window of ur past. yeah. and for me to say that, knowing how big a part ashlee plays in my life, i'll have all the trouble in the world forgetting it.
i guess all of us are darker than we seem to be. so many of us put on facades in life, it is really difficult to discern who is who, and where the real ends and the falsity begins. i thought i knew a lot of people. but things have happened that made me realize im just naive to think that i wld ever get to know someone completely. not even the person i eventually fall in love with. what separates one person frm another, no matter how close, on a spiritual level, is secrets. yeah. there will always be that invisible barrier. and its not always a bad thing i guess. sometimes i wish i didnt know some pple as well as i knew them. oh yeah and the phrase 'caustic facade' came out in one of the little notes. i wonder what that means, and how its actually still applicable to me. notice i used the word still. yeah. i really honestly thought iwas past that stage.
sometimes i feel like im in another life, doing things a lot more differently because i see the brighter side and broader end of things. and im thankful for that. i can deal with things so much more maturely now. but my past will always come back to haunt me i guess, to put it very bluntly, and to exaggerate it. heh. i shudder to think how pple like xtine might compare me today and me then. its not fair! im this whole new improved person now, i wonder if even my dearest friends will acknowledge that. i wonder if we will ever learn to grow together.
why do i feel a little apprehensive whenever i type dearest friends? what am i afraid of? i think im really in a clear state of mind now. i havent seen so many of them or properly talked to them in such a longgg time esp since threesome rhrsals began. i miss my friends. i need to get back in their lives, and i need them to know that im opening up my life to them once again. not that it was ever closed though.
i wonder how many chose to read that.

im such a sucker with time. its almost 2am now and i plan for a fruitful day ahead. yeah, before all the hectic shit starts streaming in. i wonder when i will get to see my teachers from ri again. i miss them dearly. somehow i feel we have less and less to talk abt. will that happen to the friends i make/ i have made? how well do i know the pple in my so called circle of close friends? yeah youre reading this now. so u know if ure in the circle or not. so do i know you? cuz i dont think i really do. and i guess u dont know me well enough too. then...shame on us- there's nothing else to say. what countless outings we have had, and will have, or intend to have- why do i feel so ambivalent abt it sometimes. i guess, somewhere along the line we have stopped growing. or maybe, more aptly put, stopped growing together, but instead, grown apart.
trust me, i did not intend to write all of this. it just happened. i cant wait to see what will happen though. we have like what, a little more than a year of assured friendship. after that, it's free for all. who knows what will happen when some of us go overseas, get attached, then married, or get jobs all over the place. things will get pretty messy huh.
i wish it didnt have to end. and it doesnt.

yeah, let's see how productive my day can be then. starting in a few hours, after i catch some shuteye. u know what, this is a shout out to everyone reading this. sometimes i feel so ashamed of the friendships i have made because i keep thinking theyre all so fragile as compared to so many seemingly strong ones i feel around me. here's a challenge- i think im gonna start trusting in what i have a little bit more and challenge your friendships, which i dont think necessarily are that robust or unbreakable. i dont think any can be. we are all items of circumstance, happenstance, whatever. forever, just isnt possible. we can only try, which is most admirable, but what we really get is the opportunity to try. without the chance, what are we? look at the friends that went away to other schools. do i still know them? i dont think so. how their lives have spiralled out of control without me. and mine, gone wrong in their eyes. so there, prove me wrong. haha im not a cynic, ive just been doing some serious thinking.
but i always trust in hope at the bottom of the box. miracles can really happen, when we believe. and when they do happen, we dont recognize it as a miracle, because we take so many things for granted that only the parting of the seas or smthing like that can make us believe in miracles.
look at the pple who love you- they are miracles that have been there - (and can i say it) - forever.
p.s. if you know of a way in which i can truly enrich my life, do share it! till then, im content.

8:50 AM