12:39 AM

9:08 AM

something about the oldies that just gets you feeling sentimental, even though you've never actually lived through the era, there's an alluring quality to it. almost like a forgotten archive of treasures awaiting your discovery, however belated, however anachronistic. and it's precisely because i don't know it well enough and i never know what i may find (or better still, like) that truly excites me.

really glad i borrowed the total recall cd. it's got me hooked onto 80's music. always so happy, dancy, catchy and groovy. all this while i've been a today's hits snob, rather dismissive of the golden songs of yore and extremely selective even when it comes to experimental listening. i guess i tend to stick to the familiar and avoid the great unknown. actually, what do i fear? is it because there's just so much more talent and things i can appreciate out there that im worried i might be overwhelmed or intimidated by them? perhaps, or maybe i don't believe in having to put in any effort when listening to music and trying to enjoy myself. because they are the oldies and i seldom hear them, why should i go looking for some music when i know that other kinds of music will come knocking at my door- over the radio (mostly), the internet, the good music stores and what not?

but yes, this unexpected venture into the decades before my time has left me very humbled. while i might scoff at the primitive sounding tracks, the lack of cool sound effects, enhancements and other audio thingamajigs, i admire the way they have proven themselves to be timeless. i love that the internet has made it so convenient for the young to connect with the old in this way. i always enjoy asking my father about music from his time that we hear over the radio. in some sense, when i see his face brighten up when he talks about the classics, shares more than he was asked, i feel like i begin to understand him better. it's just a feeling, but it's always a start.

the song we built this city (on rock and roll) by starship has such a monumental quality to it. it's like looking back on an unspoken former glory, a sentimental commentary on the civilization now through the lenses of what it was then. in this tune i sense a communal achievement that involved not only the people, but also their pride, their dreams, their sacrifices and the continuous relationship between them and the society they have created. do we still recognize what we have forged, what with the chains, games and corporation names?

of course this little research of mine led on to many other things of the days gone by. i don't think i will ever truly understand it. you must live to know it. what i have now are pieces of the past, all parts of the puzzle, lacking the big picture, itemized and duplicated to fuel desire and feed the common consumption. in a way what i hold in my hands will then be a mirror of what i am in this world, a small piece trying to fit in, and better still, trying to figure out what kind of picture im gonna end up piecing together. and do we even belong anywhere in this picture? are there other pictures out there?

since im veering dangerously on the philosophical i thought i should take down this quote. was reading about death in a local paper the other day and this was surprisingly satisfying to digest, albeit the recurring uncertainty and morbidity of it all- but heck, some people just have their way with words that i may never hope to have.

"If she is not now, then she never has been. I mistook a cloud of atoms for a person. There are not and never were any people. Death only reveals the vacuity that was always there. What we call the living are simply those who have not yet been unmasked."

- C.S. Lewis, from Joy, in A Grief Observed (1961)

ah, another abstract from the land of yesterdays. it's almost like you are ready to make love to the world for being the way it is, despite all its flaws and laws.

today i will declare that i love giraffes. just saw a documentary on them just now and there's something about their quiet, knowing demeanour that makes them probably one of the most graceful creatures to, well, grace this planet. i especially liked it when lynn sherr said: "i am proud to share this planet with giraffes." aha, this is when the animalover in me emerges. perhaps i see in them what i don't always have: patience, beauty, and possibly height, haha. nah, gotta love the sentinels of the savanna.

speaking of giraffes, rather coincidentally, we were talking about it outside partyworld today- which was a blast. thanks much to the fun bunch- snee, joy and shumin, with christine and her cameo appearance. i can't wait for us to sing again.

6:51 AM

i'd almost forgotten how much i love listening to michelle branch. be it her pouty drawl, the countless yeah yeah yeahs and woah woah woahs between the proper lyrics, or that emotive guitar girl image that i just cant seem to erase, even though she's since appeared on maxim, given birth, and moved on with life. anyhow, i never felt like the wreckers were gonna last anyway, for some reason. they sounded awesome together, but deep down it seemed that they had so much more to offer on their own. on that note, good news and i really cant wait for this:

Michelle Branch will release her third solo album with Maverick, Everything Comes and Goes, in the summer of 2008.

apparently summer has been pushed back to the end of this year, but instead of being disappointed i've come to realize that that's very common nowadays. good music may take time, but time will never take good music. i just made that up incidentally, and surprisingly it actually makes sense, especially when the brain's not really functioning at this time of the night.

i realized that a lot of my favourite music comes from females. im not being sexist by mentioning an obvious fact, but i guess there's something about female voices that i always find comforting, and most of all, hopeful. i love coldplay, but they seldom deliver that element of hope- except maybe for viva la vida. even so, it's not in the voice, but rather in the orchestra. perhaps im also into the lullaby quality.

anyway, this whole discussion of gender in music came about because i was reading about joni mitchell, on wikipedia, quite honestly. for those of you who still find this reliable, it says that joni mitchell was once listed as one of the most influential women in rock. she was also ranked no.72 on the world's best guitarists- and she was the top ranked woman. i guess this shows a lot. while eric clapton and santana have their way with the strings, there is no way someone like michelle or kt tunstall can come anywhere near the recognition that they've received. once again it's the question of talent versus the public eye. i figure i tend to disagree with the public a lot, and much more these days.

i never expected myself to be so much in awe of an "oldie" artiste, but i think joni mitchell deserves this accolade, however insubstantial it may be, coming from me. she's not only an amazing musician, she paints and everything about her is oozing artistic fervour. there are days like these that im so glad that such talents exist in our world, and for that same reason i feel so proud to know that underneath all that the world might be going through right now, there is always a voice or two, singing about things greater than what's on the newspapers, the television; bigger than what we had for breakfast, why we quarrel, and what a mess the world has become. this is why art is important, because despite all this, it gives us something to believe in, something to hold on to, and that i firmly believe in.

to this artistic awakening, i want to share one of my favourite songs from joni mitchell herself, a legend in her own right, not only for the music that she sings and plays, or the paintings that she does, but also for the clear and feeling soul that she is. interestingly, i thought i knew what she was singing about just yesterday, but now im not so sure anymore. maybe that's why i really don't know life, after all.

Both Sides, Now
by Joni Mitchell

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

8:49 AM

7:29 AM

i think it started with the chat with mark above the fish pond- it's been a long time since i've been so forthcoming about the topic, especially when it's something that i've been foolishly avoiding all this while. it's about time i faced up to it and rise to the challenge, no?

then bumping into brenda and denise, more pandan valley kids who have made it beyond our shores. if only that were me too.

and then meeting rachel and darren today, and talking briefly again about life abroad.

and now, more crucial than ever, dear velda comes along with the most hypnotic words: "pomona's beauutiful"

finally someone who seems to know, who seems to understand: "yah go for it!!! call them. i know the feeling of inertia you have now... but things might start happening once that's gotten over eh?"

so i have decided, that im gonna translate this fear, this hesitation, this inertia into something useful, forceful. im gonna do myself a favour and stop bumming around under the heavily guised pretext of army and what not.

i know i want this. and even though i think of the possibility of disappointment even before it all, i know i'd be even more disappointed with myself if i didn't try.

so here it is, and now it begins :]

9:36 AM

i will always miss june. i take pride in that month. i love that it loves me.

but hey, it's july, yet another month closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. i can almost smell the christmas bells.

what might make my christmas complete:

1) ashlee simpson's bittersweet world

2) speed racer manga box set

3) speed racer mach 5 model

4) coldplay's viva la vida

5) a new nose

probably in that order- because im not too sure about number 5.

these past two weekends have been quiet. i kept last night free thinking that i could sleep and wake up early for brunch this morning, but nobody seems keen on going out anymore. eastern promises became empty promises. yeah, i shouldn't bother myself over this.

i recently sent some of my favourite photos for printing, and pimped up my office cubicle with the lovely snapshots. i feel so much happier just looking at them, knowing that perhaps, just perhaps, i still have a life beyond my nondescript existence. i still have people worth breathing for.

met up with vanessa the other day. it's been way too long, and i was surprised how we could talk like all those years in between didn't happen. things like that make me smile. it's always the little things, you know, so constant and so kind. reminds me of that night of deception (are you free tonight?), with alan junyi and zee. the movie was nonsense, but chilling at coffee bean more than made up for it. i think it made me realize, although ive probably realized it before, that what we have is good. even despite all the things we could possibly gripe about, i suppose i wouldn't exchange my life thus far for anything else. this is the stable me speaking. on other days you know i'd be a hollywood actor anytime. i'd be on my world tour. i'd be physically abusing the paparazzi. i would have no time for friends, only socialites. my family will be my publicity.

but then, like holden, i would start to miss it all. for that was when i ruled the world.

8:28 PM