otamot

in another life

2009-10-06T00:39:00.000-07:00

strange how it feels like more than a year, when it has really only been months. maybe that's how we sometimes kid ourselves into thinking that eternity is something measurable, containable, or even possible. i have such a warped relationship with time. i spend it, yet i hate to. i love it, yet i waste it too. i sense it so well, but i always count it wrong. and i am always pining for more, even though i'm only heading for less.

my life since october has spiralled off in so many different directions that i feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. in a feeble attempt to sum it up there are three main milestones i should mention: the end of army (although, not really), the stint with the paper, and my ticket to california.

in october all of the above were just hopes, dreams, possibilities, prayers and musings of the future. but they have all happened, and curiously, i absolutely believe in them. i do not think that i might be hallucinating. i do not fear that this might be some cruel, tasteless joke. i am sitting here blogging on a mac for the very first time. i am breathing the dry chill of the night. i am hearing the sprinklers go off at this odd hour of night, drenching the grass with cold, cold, man-made rain. i am postponing, almost rejecting sleep. i am living it. and i know it.

i love it. but my adolescent pang of melancholy has followed me all the way here. at night i start to ponder, almost too much. i read and see what my friends have for their lives, and i am filled with both hope and sadness at once. i hope for a life that can be just as exciting, just as diverse, and not so predictable. i hope for something that is not my own, nothing that i have tasted before, nothing that i have to be responsible for. but when i think of how none of that is possible, and it digs itself a hollow in me. i have always loved acting, not for the limelight, but for the chance to be someone else. to be someone i am not, and have everyone else see that i am. for this same reason i hate to be characterized. i keep thinking that maybe, just maybe one day i will be spectacular in a different way, so why stop me now? why make me believe that this is who i am and stop me from becoming someone that i will be?

in another life i will be a star. i will be everything that's good in me, and i will be adored and envied, and there will be nothing bad to remind me that i am anything lesser. in another life i will be better.

i really do believe that.

yakult

2008-10-07T09:08:00.001-07:00

so i opened the fridge for some night time gratification just now and was presented with a choice.

green yakult or red yakult.

and then i started to get superstitious because clearly the green was nearer to me, but my official favourite color is still red.

thoughts collided:

now if i choose the red i'd be staying true to myself, but i might be changing something in the course of fate.

if i go ahead with green, i know i will still enjoy it. but i'd still be thinking about red the next day.

clearly, in my semi-hunched position, face in the yellow light, i was frustrated, not only with the fact that i had to make every trivial thing a life defining moment, but also because i realized that as much as i might resent having to deal with them, i will never escape choices.

and so i made a choice, because yakult will still be yakult.

okay, now don't ask me if it was green or red. looking back now the mentos solution would've been to choose the orange or the purple. but i don't enjoy being neutral.

the important thing is, after poking the straw in, i noticed that the expiry date was (none other than) 11 november. which incidentally spells ord for me :]

so i guess i learnt a very important lesson today. no matter the color, we all get there eventually.

thanks for your time, you deserve a yakult for reading this. when was the last time you had one?

yesterday once more

2008-07-31T06:51:00.000-07:00

something about the oldies that just gets you feeling sentimental, even though you've never actually lived through the era, there's an alluring quality to it. almost like a forgotten archive of treasures awaiting your discovery, however belated, however anachronistic. and it's precisely because i don't know it well enough and i never know what i may find (or better still, like) that truly excites me.

really glad i borrowed the total recall cd. it's got me hooked onto 80's music. always so happy, dancy, catchy and groovy. all this while i've been a today's hits snob, rather dismissive of the golden songs of yore and extremely selective even when it comes to experimental listening. i guess i tend to stick to the familiar and avoid the great unknown. actually, what do i fear? is it because there's just so much more talent and things i can appreciate out there that im worried i might be overwhelmed or intimidated by them? perhaps, or maybe i don't believe in having to put in any effort when listening to music and trying to enjoy myself. because they are the oldies and i seldom hear them, why should i go looking for some music when i know that other kinds of music will come knocking at my door- over the radio (mostly), the internet, the good music stores and what not?

but yes, this unexpected venture into the decades before my time has left me very humbled. while i might scoff at the primitive sounding tracks, the lack of cool sound effects, enhancements and other audio thingamajigs, i admire the way they have proven themselves to be timeless. i love that the internet has made it so convenient for the young to connect with the old in this way. i always enjoy asking my father about music from his time that we hear over the radio. in some sense, when i see his face brighten up when he talks about the classics, shares more than he was asked, i feel like i begin to understand him better. it's just a feeling, but it's always a start.

the song we built this city (on rock and roll) by starship has such a monumental quality to it. it's like looking back on an unspoken former glory, a sentimental commentary on the civilization now through the lenses of what it was then. in this tune i sense a communal achievement that involved not only the people, but also their pride, their dreams, their sacrifices and the continuous relationship between them and the society they have created. do we still recognize what we have forged, what with the chains, games and corporation names?

of course this little research of mine led on to many other things of the days gone by. i don't think i will ever truly understand it. you must live to know it. what i have now are pieces of the past, all parts of the puzzle, lacking the big picture, itemized and duplicated to fuel desire and feed the common consumption. in a way what i hold in my hands will then be a mirror of what i am in this world, a small piece trying to fit in, and better still, trying to figure out what kind of picture im gonna end up piecing together. and do we even belong anywhere in this picture? are there other pictures out there?

since im veering dangerously on the philosophical i thought i should take down this quote. was reading about death in a local paper the other day and this was surprisingly satisfying to digest, albeit the recurring uncertainty and morbidity of it all- but heck, some people just have their way with words that i may never hope to have.

"If she is not now, then she never has been. I mistook a cloud of atoms for a person. There are not and never were any people. Death only reveals the vacuity that was always there. What we call the living are simply those who have not yet been unmasked."

- C.S. Lewis, from Joy, in A Grief Observed (1961)

ah, another abstract from the land of yesterdays. it's almost like you are ready to make love to the world for being the way it is, despite all its flaws and laws.

today i will declare that i love giraffes. just saw a documentary on them just now and there's something about their quiet, knowing demeanour that makes them probably one of the most graceful creatures to, well, grace this planet. i especially liked it when lynn sherr said: "i am proud to share this planet with giraffes." aha, this is when the animalover in me emerges. perhaps i see in them what i don't always have: patience, beauty, and possibly height, haha. nah, gotta love the sentinels of the savanna.

speaking of giraffes, rather coincidentally, we were talking about it outside partyworld today- which was a blast. thanks much to the fun bunch- snee, joy and shumin, with christine and her cameo appearance. i can't wait for us to sing again.

joni michelle

2008-07-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

i'd almost forgotten how much i love listening to michelle branch. be it her pouty drawl, the countless yeah yeah yeahs and woah woah woahs between the proper lyrics, or that emotive guitar girl image that i just cant seem to erase, even though she's since appeared on maxim, given birth, and moved on with life. anyhow, i never felt like the wreckers were gonna last anyway, for some reason. they sounded awesome together, but deep down it seemed that they had so much more to offer on their own. on that note, good news and i really cant wait for this:

Michelle Branch will release her third solo album with Maverick, Everything Comes and Goes, in the summer of 2008.

apparently summer has been pushed back to the end of this year, but instead of being disappointed i've come to realize that that's very common nowadays. good music may take time, but time will never take good music. i just made that up incidentally, and surprisingly it actually makes sense, especially when the brain's not really functioning at this time of the night.

i realized that a lot of my favourite music comes from females. im not being sexist by mentioning an obvious fact, but i guess there's something about female voices that i always find comforting, and most of all, hopeful. i love coldplay, but they seldom deliver that element of hope- except maybe for viva la vida. even so, it's not in the voice, but rather in the orchestra. perhaps im also into the lullaby quality.

anyway, this whole discussion of gender in music came about because i was reading about joni mitchell, on wikipedia, quite honestly. for those of you who still find this reliable, it says that joni mitchell was once listed as one of the most influential women in rock. she was also ranked no.72 on the world's best guitarists- and she was the top ranked woman. i guess this shows a lot. while eric clapton and santana have their way with the strings, there is no way someone like michelle or kt tunstall can come anywhere near the recognition that they've received. once again it's the question of talent versus the public eye. i figure i tend to disagree with the public a lot, and much more these days.

i never expected myself to be so much in awe of an "oldie" artiste, but i think joni mitchell deserves this accolade, however insubstantial it may be, coming from me. she's not only an amazing musician, she paints and everything about her is oozing artistic fervour. there are days like these that im so glad that such talents exist in our world, and for that same reason i feel so proud to know that underneath all that the world might be going through right now, there is always a voice or two, singing about things greater than what's on the newspapers, the television; bigger than what we had for breakfast, why we quarrel, and what a mess the world has become. this is why art is important, because despite all this, it gives us something to believe in, something to hold on to, and that i firmly believe in.

to this artistic awakening, i want to share one of my favourite songs from joni mitchell herself, a legend in her own right, not only for the music that she sings and plays, or the paintings that she does, but also for the clear and feeling soul that she is. interestingly, i thought i knew what she was singing about just yesterday, but now im not so sure anymore. maybe that's why i really don't know life, after all.

Both Sides, Now
by Joni Mitchell

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

d f t l

2008-07-14T07:29:00.000-07:00

Who is your idol?

Ashlee Simpson.
Her songs speak wonders to me and she has fought very hard, amidst criticism, to sing for what she believes in and to make music that rocks.

Favourite Song? Why?

All You Wanted by Michelle Branch.
This is the song that saw me through my stressful days at school. I feel that it comes deep from the heart and listening to it or singing it never fails to make me happy. Indeed, it is all I ever wanted in a song.

List your five favourite singers/ bands

Ashlee Simpson, Coldplay, Michelle Branch, The Beatles and Alanis Morissette.

Who knows you best?

I believe that only we know ourselves best.
As Ashlee Simpson once sang: "I've walked a thousand miles while everyone was asleep- nobody's really seen my million subtleties"

the sign

2008-07-13T09:36:00.001-07:00

i've been getting signs from almost everyone. and this whole commencement thing really set me thinking about whether i've lost sight of the lighthouse.

"i saw the sign

when i opened up my eyes i saw the sign

no one's gonna drag you up

to get into the light where you belong"

i think it started with the chat with mark above the fish pond- it's been a long time since i've been so forthcoming about the topic, especially when it's something that i've been foolishly avoiding all this while. it's about time i faced up to it and rise to the challenge, no?

then bumping into brenda and denise, more pandan valley kids who have made it beyond our shores. if only that were me too.

and then meeting rachel and darren today, and talking briefly again about life abroad.

and now, more crucial than ever, dear velda comes along with the most hypnotic words: "pomona's beauutiful"

finally someone who seems to know, who seems to understand: "yah go for it!!! call them. i know the feeling of inertia you have now... but things might start happening once that's gotten over eh?"

so i have decided, that im gonna translate this fear, this hesitation, this inertia into something useful, forceful. im gonna do myself a favour and stop bumming around under the heavily guised pretext of army and what not.

i know i want this. and even though i think of the possibility of disappointment even before it all, i know i'd be even more disappointed with myself if i didn't try.

so here it is, and now it begins :]

jerusalem bells

2008-07-05T20:28:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you how it'd be

You won't get with this you see

Cuz you can't handle me

It's a simple fact that you can’t seem to handle me

No matter how you act with them you can’t handle me

I don't really feel you got my back

Cuz you’re a selfish narcissistic psycho Freaking bootlicking Nazi creep and

You can’t handle me

i will always miss june. i take pride in that month. i love that it loves me.

but hey, it's july, yet another month closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. i can almost smell the christmas bells.

what might make my christmas complete:

1) ashlee simpson's bittersweet world

2) speed racer manga box set

3) speed racer mach 5 model

4) coldplay's viva la vida

5) a new nose

probably in that order- because im not too sure about number 5.

these past two weekends have been quiet. i kept last night free thinking that i could sleep and wake up early for brunch this morning, but nobody seems keen on going out anymore. eastern promises became empty promises. yeah, i shouldn't bother myself over this.

i recently sent some of my favourite photos for printing, and pimped up my office cubicle with the lovely snapshots. i feel so much happier just looking at them, knowing that perhaps, just perhaps, i still have a life beyond my nondescript existence. i still have people worth breathing for.

met up with vanessa the other day. it's been way too long, and i was surprised how we could talk like all those years in between didn't happen. things like that make me smile. it's always the little things, you know, so constant and so kind. reminds me of that night of deception (are you free tonight?), with alan junyi and zee. the movie was nonsense, but chilling at coffee bean more than made up for it. i think it made me realize, although ive probably realized it before, that what we have is good. even despite all the things we could possibly gripe about, i suppose i wouldn't exchange my life thus far for anything else. this is the stable me speaking. on other days you know i'd be a hollywood actor anytime. i'd be on my world tour. i'd be physically abusing the paparazzi. i would have no time for friends, only socialites. my family will be my publicity.

but then, like holden, i would start to miss it all. for that was when i ruled the world.

I used to rule the world

Seas would rise when I gave the word

Now in the morning I sleep alone

Sweep the streets I used to own

evangeline

2008-06-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
what do u do when u feel like uve so much pent up...energy?

Auftragstaktik says:
run
haha
depends
if its mental energy or physical restlessness

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
ah! both lah

Auftragstaktik says:
well sometimes when i think i'm thinking too much
i write stuff
write down some of my thoughts
on stuff i read and such
or i do math problems
or i run
or i find projects to do

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
u are something amazing

-
mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
haha

Auftragstaktik says:
i dunno i envy you
your life is so exciting!
haha
you're like doing all that stuff
going places
haish
haha

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
];
dont say that
i think, i dont have any direction in mine
i have fun moments, all over the place, but i dont really know where i belong sometimes
i don't deserve envy, no.
but i do hope that we keep in touch years from now

Auftragstaktik says:
mm direction is overrated anyway
i mean maybe you should just have fun
and live in the moment
and not think about the future too much
: )
cheer up
in the end, you'll deal with it when you need to deal with it
future planning's for old soon to be retirees anyway

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
hmmm yeah but you know, sometimes when u enjoy the moment, the following moments are even more, quiet. when the music suddenly stops, you suddenly feel more alone than before. and it's scary

Auftragstaktik says:
hmm
well then i guess in those moments what you should do is look forward to the next ones

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
i think that's why one fine night last year i smsed you saying how alone i was. i apologize, it was such impulse, such emo nonsense, but i cant help but feel i still have a long way to go in that respect

Auftragstaktik says:
haha hey i liked that
not that you were lonely la
but that you considered me enough of a friend to tell me that haha
it isnt emo nonsense but yea
i guess we all feel lonely at this point in our life
its the Hormones

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
haha the big H. well of course ure a friend, enough cant even begin to quantify it. i dont think we can, quantify it, that is.

Auftragstaktik says:
well

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
but i have to admit, it helped a little that we weren't super close as well, because it made the coming forth so much easier

Auftragstaktik says:
yea
that was what i was about to say
sometimes
its good to talk to a stranger
or people you dont know too well
i mean at the very least you wont have to worry about them possibly judging you
or what they'll think of you
; )

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
sometimes, when u think u know someone too well, you really don't.
yeah. i know. i knew about something like that once, a few years ago. but now it's not about pple judging me, i think i dont care to some extent anymore. and even when i do, it would be so much more, obvious. i don't care to hide my insecurities so much anymore. it's too tiresome.

Auftragstaktik says:
haha then you're a better person than i am

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
(gosh coldplay really plays the mood)

Auftragstaktik says:
somehow i think i'm still always worried about how people might see me
haha

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
there's no such thing as a better person

Auftragstaktik says:
hmm

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
dont get me wrong- i still worry abt what others think of me. but sometimes, just sometimes, we all go beyond that, no?

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
tears stream,
down on your face,
when you lose something
you cannot replace

Auftragstaktik says:
ah sry d/ced
anyway that was coldplay?

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
yeah man. fix you. haha. one of those from back in the day.
both dampening and uplifting at the same time. isnt that amazing, how it does completely different things to you? in just those few minutes.

Auftragstaktik says:
the magic of music i guess
i mean not to be trite or anything
but its really amazing

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
haha why wld i think it trite. we have so much of that around us already.

Auftragstaktik says:
i mean i realised it while running my marathon
i think if i had to do it without my ipod
i would have been in alot more pain
haha
and amazingly my ipod lasted 6 hours
woot

-

Auftragstaktik says:
whats this anyway

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
haha u'll see

Auftragstaktik says:
omg
is it dead?

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
haha. i'd prefer to think it was sleeping.
twas during livewire, we saw this panicky sparrow who cldnt fly. moments later it was silent. we picked it up with the economist and buried it. before that i took this shot. i think in death there's beauty.

Auftragstaktik says:
oh dear
sounds quite morbid you know
in death there is beauty

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
i know how it sounds haha, but seriously, i thought so. u had to be there, to see it, so peaceful, under the hot sun, while everyone else was talking army, here we had this soul, leaving us in that moment. what cld be more important? why didnt it matter more to us?
i dont believe in god, but i thought i heard nature's voice

Auftragstaktik says:
ah
i mean i dont really understand but i sort of get it
or at least i get what you're trying to say

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
yeah i dont get it entirely too, but i just felt there was some greater calling u know? i dont profess to be frost or anything. but i was at peace.

Auftragstaktik says:
i guess
i mean from the sound of it i guess you just got some perspective
god knows i need some perspective in my life

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
haha. god. does he really? and dont we all?

Auftragstaktik says:
yea
he probably doesnt need any
but i certainly do

mot keep the tentacles whole and they will swell like chrysanthemum blossoms says:
whywhyyy
what do u mean by perspective? i mean, the very fact that ure thinking abt perspective, doesnt it mean u already have the power to see?

Auftragstaktik says:
no i mean
and about perspective i mean the thing is you realise that you dont have a big picture understanding
that things you think are important arent really all that important at all
but you cant convince yourself of it
or you cant see what the really important things are
i guess thats what i mean by perspective

three things

2008-06-02T07:23:00.000-07:00

what i've been up to...

1) reading running with scissors

"so, i do know what it's like, augusten, to love somebody who doesn't deserve it, because they're all you have."

2) laughing at ruby pan

"nunsince, singaporh so many dipperend kinds of english, of course the baby cunpewsed"

3) finger gun fighting, with stef, joel & russell

ashlee is pregnant

2008-05-29T06:42:00.000-07:00

i cannot believe she's actually with child! for real! all this while!

sigh. maybe people will be kinder to her from now on.

wait, maybe not. look what happened to the spears.

anyway, say hello to ashlee simpson-wentz from now on.

ceteris paribus, that name will go on her fourth album.

while im obviously not thrilled, i really hope she doesn't go down the divorce path either.

come to think of it this picture here's quite endearing.

"right now i am solo but that will be changing eventually" - from Autobiography

i guess she was right after all :]

bye bye

2008-05-25T07:18:00.000-07:00

for once i will try to ignore the fact that it's a sunday night, again.

okay i failed.

i think there will come a day when i wont dread the end of a weekend. but then again it's not so much about having something to wake up for the next day. even if i have the day off, the fact is everybody will be away from home, out there accomplishing their occupational tasks and hazards. when one does not have the excuse for company, even if it's a weekday, and especially when it's a weekday, it's still a day that one might dread the night before.

then again sometimes things turn out better than expected. sometimes i wonder if i truly thrive in company. yesterday could have been a good example of how i was probably better off alone. in fact, looking around at all the happier couples and groups of friends, or even families, i found myself at the losing end, gripping on to whatever was left of my rope. i refused to believe that something was wrong with me but after much careful consideration i guess everything's about perspective. perhaps i was too shortsighted in that respect to acknowledge that i was finally externalizing all that negativity ive been harboring all this while.

but oh im a proud person with possibly everything to lose. and everything, as we know it, is subjective.

despite that i can still see clearly where i was coming from, and it's strange because i didnt think it would bother me so much but it certainly has seeing as how im spurred to go on about this for this long. in time to come i will forget this, it will be all behind me, gone with the wind, but for now the air's not moving and my only hope of getting over this is to launch into an emotional tirade of sorts, a vocabular diarrhoea that would purge the poison from the pipes.

ok i feel much better now.

nash said that i was schizophrenic, and while it's tempting to embrace that element of danger in one's identity, i also feel it borders on a lack of sincerity. i don't think it's fair to claim that im mentally disturbed, neither is it legal for me to profess my love for a vampire.

thankful(ly) for me, maybe, i just found kelly clarkson's my december much too depressing, even for a sunday night. i ejected the cd from the drive and in doing so, also avoided a slew of unnecessary emotional self-indulgence. sometimes, to know that one is less depressed than one once perceived is enough reason to be happier than one would have been if one were not depressed at all to begin with. but then again i think too much.

on a much more positive note,

TODAY I GOT MY SPEED RACER SHOES :] felt really good and i cant wait to wear them and ride the mach 5 out and about yo!

and thanks to this video STEF AND I are now FAMOUS :]

i have also signed up for driving, FINALLY, so it looks like i should be able to drive by this time next year, with much luck and enough determination.

i really think all this started from speed racer. where would i be without it! probably still waddling in my quagmire of inertia and uninspired trappings.

and i have rediscovered the joy of listening to mariah carey in her latest offering, bye bye. i think somehow this song really speaks to me, because in a lot of ways i have been preparing myself for something which we all fear: loss. just had another dream the other day, and this time the coffin was really hard to ignore. but i shall leave it at that. sometimes it isn't good to listen to the BFG.

for better or for worse, i have been evicted from my bunk, so this might mean more weekday nights at home for me. we shall see. somehow knowing that i'll be back home at the end of the day really helps. which makes me realize how much i took it for granted during my schooldays.

writing an article is harder than i thought. i think i might need to spend more time mapping out them ideas. a pulse of creative energy is coursing through my veins at the moment. i am very tempted to install photoshop once more. or grab that sketchbook and start a little portfolio, in the name of posterity.

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say
Bye bye

starbucks once more

2008-05-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

thought i should type a little something about today. it was just about to be another ordinary day, but it turned out to be one extremely pleasant saturday. one of the best ive had in a long while :]

so i woke up early to cut my hair at good ole ghim moh, had a heartland breakfast with my parents- a nice kaya toast with tea and half boiled eggs, opened my own bank account and got my very first atm card :] and then bought my first 4D ticket. haha. that's a lot to accomplish in a saturday morning for me, considering most weeks i just sleep it away. and so much growing up for all those years lost. with all that in place and thanks to my parents and the lift i trooped down to somerset to meet stef for the freeze. had a simple lunch at cine food court and met up with mark, who was pretty much in his own world, but we still love him.

the freeze was hilarious. we were supposed to be like totally undercover but ended up 'late' because some of them lousy pple synched an earlier timing than the one we got. it was 5 minutes of doing absolutely nothing, and somehow it felt like we were doing the world a favour. stop and stare. you and your busy lives. wake up and smell the coffee. when i was young i had this notion that if everyone in the world, and i mean everyone, collaborated to freeze all at the same time, we would be able to stop time. the fourth dimension will be in our hands! imagine that! and although ive come to accept that it's just not going to happen, ever, i remain frustrated at everybody's failure to see things from my point of view. to believe that it is possible. i don't think it, i know it. you may say im a dreamer, but i tell you, im not the only one.

we were a bit lost and perhaps disoriented after that short stint which made us feel much more important than we normally would on a saturday afternoon, but after getting some drinks to neutralize our bodies' reaction to global warming, we carried on with our lives, as did everybody else in cahoots with this conspiracy, with a renewed faith in the collective human spirit and of course, facebook. i hope we made the director's cut :]

sat outside zara after that for the longest time waiting for stef to finish her slurping. she was up for another kind of freeze, the 711 brainfreeze. it was enough time for: mark to come up from his burger king solo lunch to join us in watching the world stroll past; a woman to lose her pouch on the same bench we were seated on and come back to claim it; random pple like alan lim and gary to pass us by; me to find out that genevieve and kenneth wong are really siblings (no kidding), to which im still traumatised and utterly convinced that the world is going on a diet; and us to pounce on those whom we felt were suspect when it came to gender identification- not literally, of course.

by then it was already approaching evening and we headed over to city hall, waving goodbye to mark on the way and meeting up with nash zee and eventually cc. had a nice sitdown dinner at sushi tei (incidentally my second after monday with liyana), but not before laughing at the ridiculous jordin sparks album cover at sembawang. the food was good, the company was even better, and we were full with both laughter and japanese cuisine. nash actually liked his present, much to my relief, and i really hope he appreciates the lovely bones as much as i do. sometimes i realize it's not about getting, it's about giving, and seeing how a simple act of generosity can light up someone's eyes and put a smile to one's face. it's amazing that feeling. and no words of thank you are needed to know that you've done the right thing. im so encouraged by the simplest of human gestures sometimes.

somehow along the way we lost stef, but like mark, she knows we love her as well :] made the usual migration to suntec and saw my one true love: the puma speed racer shoes. i really think im going back to get them, or i shall never forgive myself. i think it's about time i treated myself, esp since my birthday's almost here. somehow we settled at starbucks (oh and we met zaidi and js too), after much mucking around, playing with sesame street puppets, eating hard candy (ok they were really soft, but i had to throw that one in), looking at more avuncular (must have word for shopping, along with major) clothes, and indulging in random conversations and the mandatory dose of gossip.

my cafe latte was really bitter, but the night was, for lack of a better word, sweet. and so i would call it my bittersweet night. the conversation, as usual, was so easy, so fun, so free. we just never run out of things to say and laugh about. cc and zee indulged in their usual affectations. we played around more with my camera's color accent, which is always a gimmick one can't get enough of. and what did we talk about? oh a million things. it was the same place where the other few of us, back then before jonasache juzeal was coined, thought of the scrapbook idea. i think it's not impt that the book hasnt materialized. what ive just suddenly realized, in this very moment, is the fact that starbucks has helped this special group of us think of so many random ideas. the scrapbook. the group name. cryptic cross word puzzles. future aspirations. itenaries for outings. you name it, you have it. it's almost as if the mermaid's our muse. and if it isn't about the future, it's about appreciating the past, savouring that sweet taste of nostalgia with the actual olfactory assistance of the coffee, cakes, and the occasional cookie and crumbs. tonight we remembered and paid tribute to the emotional moments in school. the a levels. the chemistry test. the poems, ever so deep, and always so dangerous. drama feste. and of course the confusing times. cc's awkward emails. zee's internet strike. nash's multiple strifes. and it seemed inevitable that being all humz, as fate would have it for this week's outing, we extended our reminiscence to the adorable days of price discrimination, fake prepared position papers with random scribbled words and page long introductions, mr kwok's deliberate mispronunciations, the long lethargic fridays with hist ass and remedial econs, mrs perry's lovable procrastination, her pressing on, her licking and thumbing, the many silas marner books, mr mac's voice and so much more. at the end of it, there was no end. i think we sorta knew that such memories will stay forever, though always different and personal to each of us, at least we have one another to fill in the blanks and spaces, the moments that we might have lost and left behind, not by intention, but ironically, by the sheer tide of memories, overwhelming and relentless but ever so pure, always so inviting.

as always our time was up with the last train home. we could have gone on through the night, and into the morning, just with our words, our shared history, and our lingering lust for the cherished footages of our yesterdays. it was a peaceful night, it was a glorious day. i cannot wait for more of these. it was simple, yet perfect. i only wish everyone else was there to breathe in the moments with us. but on second thought, i guess maybe sometimes it be that way. and if we didn't believe in that then we wouldn't have had the mental movies to look back fondly on. we wouldn't have the many serendipitous strands of time that we now wrap so carefully around our fingers. just because things aren't really in our hands, it doesn't mean that they will never be within our grasp. yes, i think i know that now.

mach 5

2008-05-17T10:27:00.000-07:00

i know what i want for my birthday,
and my heart is bursting just thinking about it.

i can't stop smiling,

because while i'm gonna be one year older,

i feel younger already.

okay, maybe not the car.
but the shoe!

sigh, i think i deserve this.

simpson sparks

2008-05-15T10:14:00.000-07:00

since i've been harping on this for the longest time, it's about time i broadcasted it. seems like i'm not the only one who noticed THIS. dr callie torres anyone?

Jordin Sparks Asks For A Tissue As She Enters The Worst Album Cover Of The Year Race

This has to be a mistake, right—why would any executive out there want to try and sell a record to people by using a photo that looks as if it was swiped from a paparazzo who lucked out and caught an Idol winner sneezing while standing in front of a scrachiti'd-up window on the 6 train? Of course, given its abject crappiness, watch it come out that this cover set Sparks' label back $60,000, too. -taken from idolator.com

now i finally get why her single's called No Air. this is her now. actually, i really like her as a person. i think she's a genuine soul, with a good voice. and i believe she washes her hands after using the loo. but this is really bad bad bad. i mean, didn't she get a say in this at all? i wonder what really goes on behind the scenes.

that said, i don't think ashlee's latest album cover is gonna do her justice too. people are just gonna talk about her fake nose or think she's a boy. ah but i love her so i shall defend her. at least she looks focused and naughty. it's vicky valentine baby.

Ashlee Simpson – Jessica's sister, and the one who actually sells records – will perform June 19 at Ruth Eckerd Hall, 1111 McMullen-Booth Road in Clearwater.

what i would give to fly there and watch her just for that one day...

why is her mv for little miss obsessive taking forever to film?!?! i hope she's not skipping that for the wedding now That would suck.

speed racer

2008-05-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

this will be a short post, but hello nice to see you again.

been to taiwan and back, my second time, and surprisingly it took me this trip (and especially eight long days in the field) to realize how much i miss reading. i am game for more nerdy intellectual pursuit. i want to enlarge my mind all over again. i want to smell those brown pages of papery pulp and lose my senses to a world in my hands.

oh by the way, if you haven't watched Speed Racer, go do it now! it's possibly one of the best films i've caught this year. heart thumping wachowski action. the ultimate psychedelic odyssey. wasn't expecting much but thanks to samuel and darren im deeply in love with the mach 5 now. somebody get me that car! pimp my ride. (crap i need to learn to drive, for real)

it was awesome meeting up with jonasache juzeal all over again. as always. our regular saturday nights. some things change, and some things stay- this i find ever so comforting.

it's a sunday night, but im not moping. i think i might have learnt to be above certain things. today i just wanna say that my mom rocks.

go speed racer, go speed racer, go speed racer go!

p.s.

i want to write private notes to my friends
i want to draw and read and write
i want to meet those that i still yearn for
i want to let them know
that no matter what i do i will still think of them
i want to accomplish
all of the
above.

i was a diver

2008-04-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

i think im very good at taking people for granted. i keep making promises to myself to stop, but over time these promises become, as most are, futile and forgotten. there will come a day when i will have to pay for my mistakes. i do believe in karma. i just dont believe in doing good with karma in mind. that would defeat the purpose.

had the pleasure of catching we will rock you the musical yesterday. twas a rocking good time! you know there's something about Queen's music that will truly live on forever. i think many will be hard pressed to have as much influence as them. even mariah carey. speaking of whom, i cant stand those people who keep comparing her to elvis and insist on making biased comments like how she's fizzy coke that will rot your mind. as a self-professed promoter of pop i shall sentence those haters to a decade of silence. i think there's a heaven where some screams have gone. how's that thought for you? i mean, give it up already. you have your opinion, but if you can't appreciate some music, it's your loss, not someone else's misjudgement or unenlightenment. get over yourself.

ahhhh so many good songs out there. i feel like rocketing all of them except i get this music block when i try to pilfer. it must be some intellectual property spirit interferring with the process of procurement.

anyway, had the pleasure of catching a slew of movies recently. gonna make lists because they make me feel accomplished, although i know better:

- be kind rewind with zee & alan
- three kingdoms with stef
- spiderwick chronicles with stef
- vantage point with jonk

and then there were the very nice dinners:

- with zhifeng trix elly hanyi and jean @ xiao long bao
- with joy stef and xtine @ soup restaurant
- mummy's cooking tonight :]

truth to be told i really live for life beyond the camp. ive been losing my motivation for the organization recently, though ive always seen that coming, i think it might actually do me some harm. gotta start pulling up em socks. that said, i do not appreciate toilet talk. you never know who's listening behind closed doors, and it's the stench of cowardice i smell, not ammonia, when people choose to talk behind your back and leave you wondering how fragile our human interactions are, especially when your pants are down. just a few words because youre not happy with your own existence. if you want your fair share, take it, nobody's stopping you. i dont have anything to defend, because i do my part, except with less worries and inflexibilities as you. im not sure if i want them to know i was listening, but actually, that's just another way to say i don't care. im not apathetic by nature, but some things are really not worth my time.

i believe i will choose to be happy. im flying off on sunday, and even though it's always unsettling going with the organization, i guess i have no choice and i'd rather make the best of this. gonna put everything nasty behind and start on a clean slate. just like i said i would at the start of this year. i think that turned out pretty okay. for the most part. i cannot wait for my turn to unbutton my shoulders and see pink instead of green again. but there's no reason to rush it either. i still need to figure out a lot of things in the journey ahead. i think ive been running away more than anything. ignoring good advice: see the doctor; sign up for driving; get a checkup. maybe i dont really want to be in control. maybe i need someone else to make the decision for me, even though i know id probably not be happy not knowing.

dont go for second best baby
put yourself to the test

watched 'how to make an american quilt' today. was actually quite a depressing outlook on love, not to mention very female oriented, but i cldnt help but fall for sophie's story. she seemed to have everything, and it seemed to be in her control, so how did she end up diving into some place that wasnt her own? kinda reminded me of rebecca davitch. i think, and i really do, it's important that people stop thinking that it's too late to turn around and change their lives for the better.

sophie: "i was a diver"
finn: "i know"

i think i shouldve taken swimming seriously all those years ago. i was actually good. but then again, regrets, i have a few. and although they arent 'too few to mention', i still feel like everything happens for a good reason. i may never understand why, but it's all good. i cant spend the rest of my life wondering about the choices i make, or even kick myself for them.

anna: "it's better to wonder about them than to kick yourself for it"
finn: "i think i'd rather kick myself"

before i go i would just like to ask, why is it that pavarotti isn't getting HALF the flak that ashlee simpson got for lip synching? being dead is not an excuse. the world is flat and absolutely unfair.

feedback

2008-03-30T06:02:00.000-07:00

crank it up give it to me come on
crank it up give it to me come on
im gonna feedback feedback!

this past week has been nothing short of crazy and fun! my guitar has been strummed, and my amplifier totally blown! two orgasmic concerts, both awesome in their own right, and a great saturday of more good company and singing. it didnt seem to matter that we didnt get the marksman badge. the week was already perfect to begin with.

maroon 5 was an absolute BLAST. it's been such a long time since i last let it ALL OUT and i couldnt have wished for any better opportunity to do so. everyone was on their feet, and music was loud loud loud, big pink hands in the air, and so much grooving to tunes that will truly define OUR pop era in decades to come. thank you joy for the great company, and my cousin lin!

kt tunstall was simply DRASTIC FANTASTIC. the crowd was almost a let down but the star herself did not let that get in the way. she was funny, personable, and incredibly talented beyond words. it was a mesmerizing experience to say the least. im so glad i got to spend it with chengchai, without whom i couldnt have gone, and my favourite bees stef and joel!

saturday was zee's bday- blissful. great time with great friends. due to many unforseen circumstances, such as jonk and his calves, nash and his tuition, our iceskating trip morphed into lunch by the raffles city fountain and a boisterous kbox experience. i wont forget:

1. bring me to life with nash
2. hold on with chengchai
3. makes me wonder with jonk/nash
4. like a virgin with zee

haha i'll let the pictures speak for themselves :]

here's to a wholesome week behind me, and many more to come!

vegas

2008-03-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

you know how you download, wait, i mean, procure, whole albums and then you don't really wanna listen to all the songs because you really only downloaded (ah heck) it for a few hit singles? well, i must say im glad i gave Sarah Bareilles the benefit of doubt! Love Song's amazing, one of the best songs ive heard on radio this year, and it's always a treat to hear that familiar piano staccato in the midst of mundane office trappings. but hell she really delivers on every other track with that "little voice" of hers. she has, as bonnie mckee would sing, "a voice that carries". i cant say im familiar with ALL her songs, but im a truly convinced fan of Vegas, One Sweet Love and Many the Miles. and that's enough! like wow.

gonna sell my car and go to vegas
somebody told me that's where dreams would be

and im listening to this and im thinking omg yes i wanna go to vegas NOW. no i dont have a car to sell, and "i aint got no money and no red american express" as timbaland would put it, but heck i wanna go to where my dreams are, and im prepared to drop whatever i have (are you kidding me) and fly there even if it's on some budget airline. next stop....vegas please!

have a deep sleep upon a sweet dream i'll never realize

but then reality kicks you in the butt and reminds you that your bladder is full and you need to pee. you go to the toilet, let it all out, and wonder to yourself: is life really as simple as i need to go to the toilet, so im gonna go? or is it more of, shit i wanna go to vegas, but i just cant do it now because of a million reasons you don't even need to mention? it's a freaking paradox! it always is. i know how nature would have it. we would be free spirits and journey across the venetian sky.

i hope to make my vegas one day, but i know im gonna have to put in some effort. and im determined to. there's just no two ways about it, and no whinging, as mr reeves would say. just- so- much- in- er- tia.

starting tomorrow things will change. im gonna go wild at the concerts, but i'll also ensure that before i fly in april im gonna leave with less regrets and more hope for the future. im gonna come back with a newfound purpose that was never really lost, but rather, obscured by the legions and layers of Dust that ive allowed to accumulate. and i have post-its to back me up and remind me to never forget.

speaking of forgetting i finally watched Memento today. it wasnt quite what i imagined it to be, but it was certainly better in some ways. not entirely confusing, and very intelligently crafted. i liked how we were made to look at things through his perspective with absolutely no clue of what was going on. imagine how the fella felt. turns out he wasnt really innocent after all eh. i guess, then, "a memory is really yours to choose". haha. i like how all the quotes are just flowing today. like ive been to places and read them faces ya'all! hmmm. im not sure whether i should pity lenny, or despise him. he chose to forget, even though he didnt. wow. teddy had such an irritating voice though, i couldve sworn he was the crook.

"She's gone. And the present is trivia, which I scribble down as fucking notes."

obviously i couldnt bring myself to wake up for elizabethtown but i think im just gonna get the dvd anyway. own time own target that way, which is always friendly.

there are many friends i would like to catch up with. im glad to say i'll be seeing joy at maroon 5- we'll have the most fun i assure you. and more of the gang this friday or saturday for zee's bday hopefully. must meet up with jean before i fly again because it's been ages since our last rendezvous haha. maybe supper this time, instead of tea? and i'd like to see the class! maybe step up 2 on saturday eh? how about that. and then there's sarah, always busy with the dance. and of course liyana! hope to catch her at the audition. and hello jon! newly commissioned and already hungry for dinner i see! haha next week please!

ah well. another weekend comes to a close. it's already monday for heaven's sake. i can't say ive wasted the weekend, although i feel like i have, but it was good time spent resting and doing what i wanted to do at my own time. that alone i know is precious and should never be taken for granted. but i cant help but feel that im always running to catch up with time. always losing my focus and struggling to hold on to what i should be hanging on to. hmmm. like i said. all this will change, for the better.

i feel like i should be ending this with some kinda oomph, but sometimes the actions will have to speak louder than the words. i swear.

i don't have a future figured out

2008-03-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

this is very bad because instead of doing the important things that are supposedly on the top of my priority list i feel the compelling need to fulfil my facebook and blogger obligations first. i am hopeless!

and i no i dont wish to remind myself that i woke up at freaking 6pm+ today to once again realize that more than half my day has gone on without me. and then i called victor only to find out that all bunk plans have once again 'fizzled out'. bah humbug.

mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
i hate myself
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
i just woke up
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
and im alone at home on a saturday night
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
]:
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
hahahahahaahaha
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
I love you
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
don't feel lonely
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
anyway when this happens to me
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
oh i dunno THINGS happen
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
I always feel like the world is so... still.
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
it's like nothing is happening.
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
oh. what things happened
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
yes! but i also feel it has moved on without me
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
oh no i mean shit happens you know
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
nothing specific haha
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
that's why you must remember to catch up with it
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:

mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
haiyah i feel so cheated really...
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
all the world is waiting for you sam jo
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
i actually had plans with my bunk tonight but they fell through AGAIN
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
why?
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
we all love yu
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
don't feel aloe
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
it's silly
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
would oyu like to come out tonight?
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
I'm going clubbing
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
anyway all you have to do is call someone
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
and you'll know they didn't leave without you
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
who are you going with
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
haha i have half the mind to stay home order in kfc and watch a movie on HBO
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
a mishmash of friends
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
li ching
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
and her friends from rgs
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
alrite then it will be awkward if i went really
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
abel and his friends
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
a couple of law friends I will run into
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
hahaha nothing is awkward with alcohol
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
social lubricant
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
anyway you have me!
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
ok you have a choice
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
kfc and a movie
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
or come out and maybe make new friends
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
hahaha oh christine
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
just know that you're not alone and we're all waiting for you even though it seems like we've all gone off on our own lives
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
i am gonna crawl into my shell and choose the former
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
thanks
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
oh I do wish you'd come out to raralala
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
let's meet soon though
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
with joy!
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
and let the singing commence
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
I met her last night
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
jolly good singing
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
we did down orchard road
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
haha really where did u go
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
she's only back on a 2.5 week holiday so gotta catch her soon
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
haha i have enlisted her for full time singing before maroon 5 on tuesday!
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
oh and i just saw ur wall post....i found joy the macaroon haha
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
have fun tonight sam jo
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
don't hesitate to call me
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
I will go off now
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
remember you are NEVER alone
Christine 'All our love is true, and blue is just blue.' what-a-thrill.blogspot.com says:
I love you

so here i am about 5 hours later, very full from downing a kfc couple meal (the irony of it all...dinner was really spent alone, but i was so hungry) and watching the rather uninspiring black dahlia. either i didnt get it, or it didnt get me. either way, i think i wanna watch elizabethtown at 5am!

my sister prides herself in being the coffee connoisseur in the household, and of course the occasional kitchen wrecker, much to my mom's annoyance and wrath. today miss coffee bean turned down my offer of ordering in kfc and attempted to toast some baked rice for her dinner. when we watched ratatouille, i swear she saw herself as remy, she being born in the year of the rat after all. anyway, while waiting for my couple meal i decided to pit my culinary instincts (not that i have much, but i work the toaster and microwave pretty well) against hers and came up with this:

i must admit im pretty proud of it :] my very own DIY pizza haha.

blogger is dying on me but since the hate is mutual im gonna make it work and keep this going.

random thoughts surface in my mind at times, and it just occured to me that ive not actually met new people this year. not many at least, not those that will eventually become friends. i wonder if it's true that past a certain point in someone's life, he will have to stop making friends that actually matter. that's excluding the love of his life, whom i guess he will love no matter the huge gap of history and memories that they dont share. what's important, then, between two people who meet, is whether they actually see a future with the other. for me, the future is never clear. i just let things happen, except on the occasional whim when i feel like im suddenly in charge and my horoscope says it's okay to take that leap of faith.

Nash says:
actually i have no idea why you like taking chances so much?
Nash says:
i'm more inclined to ehr other songs
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
haha i dunno why
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
i guess it speaks a lot about what i try to believe in
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
"i dont have a future figured out"
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
but "what do you say to taking chances?"
mot it wont be soon before drastic fantastic says:
it's so uplifting and inspires confidence

im suddenly reminded of the conversation that cc jonk and i had at delifrance yesterday. it was heavy but i was detached in a weird way. like now. i hope we all get our heart's desires.

saving my face

2008-03-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

this past week ive been feeling like the hoax of the century with all my blatant ignorance and lack of substance but you know what? i thought i'd be pretty bothered by it, much more than what im feeling now in fact, but i guess i was wrong. i am after all a genuine gemini.

then again so much has happened since then to warrant any remnants of feeling like a lousy louse. i am, actually, very excited about what's gonna happen in the not so distant future. and why i say that, because the very distant future is still scary, but if we're only talking about next week, then that i can deal with.

and why is this so because announcement to everyone around the world people you better lock your eyes on this screen and hold on to your seat because!!! : cheng chai that wizard of words has won two tickets to KT TUNSTALL! i am extremely estatic and proud of him! and he gets to meet her in person! and all her music and stuff in a hamper! who wouldve thought? i guess it was all fated ever since the day he asked me over the phone if i wanted to go! woo hoo! so that makes TWO concerts next week! MAROON 5 and KT. which i cant say im a true blue fan of either BUT i live for the concerts...so what the heck! i'm still gonna have fun and there'll be great company to boot! on that note- welcome back joy to the sunny shores of singapore! you have been and always will be my best singing partner :] damn right we're gonna be famous!

haha wow so much for oozing with excitement i hope you can tell that after next week i will probably just drop dead from the subsequent boredom that will ensue. but i dont care! it's about living for the moment, and right now, "this moment is bigger than me", much more than i can comprehend, so im gonna take it all in without any inhibitions. "drink in the moments that take your breath away"

disturbing revelation today that there might actually be someone out there with the same name as me. which shouldnt bother me as much if my name was robin or lysander, but heck! i have never in my life prepared myself for this. ive always wanted to meet an evil twin of sorts, but i guess sometimes i draw more of my identity from my name than from my looks. facebook search has yielded negative results so far, but google has sprung up with a few new entries, which irked me even though they turned out to be unsubstantial coincidences. but whatever will be will be. i may be nobody's long lost friend, but i can still be myself and know that somehow or rather the world has just shrunk in on me again. i think im beginning to like this now.

at this present moment i am hungry but there is hardly any food in the kitchen. i tried the lemon biscuits but im not gonna eat more because i feel they should be saved for proper tea time consumption, complete with the nice cuppa camelia sinensis. plus ive already brushed my teeth, and i dont dare to touch the leftover chinese new year goodies. i only lose the sentimental attachment when i see mould or other miniature organisms try to cash in on our humanly abundance.

I HATE IT WHEN BLOGGER THINKS IT'S OK TO KEEP DELETING THE BOTTOM HALF OF MY ENTRIES. GOD DAMMIT.

so yes i forgot what's supposed to come in after this. something about how i love this long weekend blah blah blah and how im gonna make the best of it and this will be the beginning of a new day for me when i will wake up later and swim away my wordly worries. and i will try my utmost to make liy's audition next week in hopes of finding fun and possibly fufillment. at the very least i will have nothing to lose by taking the first step in a very long time towards the stage again. and then i had a lot more to say but blogger decided to be a bitch so here i am sounding like an incoherent fool because my memory really isnt that good and who wants to listen to me ramble when they have youtube and facebook anyway. argh. see lah. mood totally ruined. i am only the blanket because someone poured dirty water on me.

ok anw i picked up the book back when we were grownups which i really loved as a movie so hopefully i will be able to feel as much about it as i did before. it's almost impossible, you know, experiencing the same kinda emotions again after so long. but sometimes it happens. ok it's all coming back to me now. memory retrieving data slowly but surely. but you see im too lazy to craft them words all over again. so im just gonna summarize by declaring that i do like watching movies alone at home sometimes because then i can be truly honest with my emotions and not be affected by other people's opinions or reactions. it's only then that i can truly immerse myself in the nuances of the show. and then when im done with it i can only wish that i can recreate that kinda magic with whatever little talent and capacity i possess.

sigh. this being the easter holiday i will ironically lose the religion that i never had. because i think life's too short to compromise whatever time i have with the things that i do not enjoy doing. unless i dont have a choice of course. but for this i do. and to be honest ive never been a fan of religion, especially not after unnecessary evangelism that verges on inexplicable indulgence. i do not appreciate having beliefs imposed upon me, and how can one possibly know that what makes life better for him will necessarily do me the same good? it's preposterous! it's not even advice based on personal experience. it's like oh youre sick like all the rest of them unwashed masses so you need this medicine to cure you and make you come to your senses. bloody xmen antidote. except the injection's in the form of joining the ranks of what might possibly be the biggest mother hoax of all and buying the albums of a talent-less skank and fuelling her contrived career in the entertainment industry that honestly doesnt need another gimmick to pollute its integrity. but hell, i cant be bothered, and for the sake of my good friends who are self-respecting in their faiths, i will let it be right about now.

cant wait for timbre with victor and the guys. and cant wait for a new day to do things my own way. i can do it, not always alone, but i know i can.

leave it all to me

i will do the right thing

too much phantom punch for judy

2008-03-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

something about saturday nights that makes me want to stay up and do nothing. there must be a thousand things going through my mind right now, but because they're in their hundreds i cant seem to put my finger on any, except the keyboard, which, computer screen and everything as we know it aside, really feels like a typewriter when you're editing html in the courier new font.

the week went by pretty quickly. got a little surprise on tuesday when i met rolly at too much punch for judy. as things would have it his daughter was acting in the play...which was more of a moralistic tale of caution than a work of art, but not without fine acting from a group of young teens. there's something about that youth that screams out to you: what have you done with your life so far? how long more before your chances run you out?

everyday has been a rainy day but i cant say ive been disappointed with the weather. in fact, although i hate the cold, i also love the melancholic feel of it all. the sound of them droplets, smacking the floor and tapping the roofs, relentlessly, sometimes leisurely, as if to remind us that nothing could be so important to warrant getting out of bed from under those warm cosy sheets. this i say, but by thursday my nose was dripping uncontrollably. storm clouds up my nostrils.

so it didnt begin well on friday, for i woke up feeling chilly and clogged up in the lungs. until i ran like i never ran before. i think im very lucky- it's not often that many actually improve after commissioning but well, i guess i do things my own way. and for the first time in a longest time (maybe since december) i felt a sense of validation. like i actually achieved something ive been working towards. solid gold baby. and supposedly two hundred bucks more. personal reminder: count ang bao money for chinese new year is many yesterdays ago and it's about time to smell the cash :] then i'll either spend some or save the rest for more of those rainy days.

sondre was another surprise in my week. thanks to cc's introduction, and of course my dad, i can say ive attended one of the coolest live acts this year. i cant say im a huge fan of his slow songs, but his phantom punches and them guitar rifts are too awesome to deny as pure strokes of genius and talent. it was a great way to spend a friday night and the wee hours of a saturday morning. there's something about being engulfed and consumed by the music at night that's irreplaceable. i enjoyed settling down at glutton's bay, just eating and chatting with cc. there's nothing like catching up with a long time friend, because the conversation's easy and never pretentious. very stupidly, i took the wrong nightrider after that. and i shouldve known. i couldve sworn i was more angry with the entire east region of singapore than myself, because why should it exist at all if its only purpose was to get me hopelessly lost in its godforsaken magnitude? ended up cabbing the rest of the way, and felt incredibly lousy, but also happy to know that i was finally on my way home, after yet another long week.

i enjoyed beef steak with my family. and holland v. i pray that there'll be more of those, even if i can't see the humour in life all of the time. i just want each day to be better spent. and other than that, there are a few things that im looking forward to right now. maroon 5. we will rock you. and of course, another timbre outing with songs and company that make me smile.

nunchuk

2008-03-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

i keep making mini comebacks on this page without enough patience to explain what 'a lot has happened recently' really means, but as much as i believe in the importance of writing for posterity, i also want to know that im not just living with my autobiography in mind. i am, simply, living for the moments that count.

february was quite an interesting month. i always look forward to the lunar new year and this year was no different. the usual relative stuff, with the not-so-traditional visit to junyi's and dinner at a veggie restaurant, complete with dessert at haagen dazs. it was all good fun. and that nice little quiet outing at vivo last week proves that im not always searching for a crowd to drown in. sometimes i just wanna lean back on a couch, sip my tea, inhale the warm vapour and seriously, just chill with those who matter.

to slow down and to rewind, as paolo would sing.

"no sleeping at night, but i'm going from bar to bar. why can't we just rewind?"

i need to start working with words again. i dont care if it's reading or writing or speaking, but everything's coming out in a mess right now. i think im losing focus. no, practice wouldn't be the right word, since it aint some motion that you can memorize, but rather, it's about making conscious split second choices that can set apart the eloquent and the vocabular-damned. i am in search of linguistic salvation.

tonite was some excellent time spent watching the superbly scripted (and directed and acted...and everything twas just great) black comedy and light tragedies. i just cant help but marvel at how witty a play can get- it never fails to impress and entertain all at once. speaking of plays i'll have you know that christine aka xtine me love has made it to the grand finals of theatre idols! everybody go support numb now! haha so happy for her.

stayed over at different places for two friday nights in a row- not always accomplishing things that im proud of but last night was particularly fun. mike's party, and the ever inviting Wii! i cannot get enough of it. if not for all this typing my hands would be itching to play some more virtual tennis again. haha. the little players bobbing on the court. cuteness.

word of the week: nunchuk

i am THIS close to getting my gold at last. i didnt think that it would matter much to me, but for once it's actually attainable, and im hoping all my hard work won't go down the drain. haha, without the army context, i'd say i sound like silas marner. anyway, things are getting better in office, i really hope it stays this way. i can safely say that on wednesday we enjoyed some good measure of success, based on the general response (and thank god for the kind weather)- i really dont know what i'd do if it were otherwise. and im saying this not for myself, but for the rest of the committee who have worked so hard all this time- good job guys. for now, it's back to the mundane business i guess. unless, of course, victor decides to pop in :]

vic says:
WE ARE FREE SPIRITS
vic says:
FREE SPIRITS!!!!

anyway i think i've lost sight of who im supposedly waiting for. i will just do my own thing and not let this affect me anymore. it's just too much trouble and not worth the time. im gonna dedicate more time to self-development and growth. gonna learn them skills and work those juices. why have i been waiting all this time?

the music world is really heating up, which is really good! if i had to summarize it with what excites me the most, it'd go something like this: pop chanteuse ashlee simpson invades the local airwaves, at long last, with her smash timbaland-produced hit outta my head, just as she turns into little miss obsessive on the internet with her second single of the same name. michelle branch looks set to return solo this summer with a brand new album, about time after her brief stint in the country genre with jessica harp. meanwhile, sara bareilles and flo rida climb the charts with love songs and low jeans, while ex-sugababe mutya buena cruises in with her take on the all time chapman classic, fast car. gotta love music. i almost forgot how amazing the grammys were this year. hats off to alicia keys and amy winehouse. and i cant wait for maroon 5 later this month. looks like im going after all :]

ouch look at the time. im gonna go now, esp after blogger threatened to abandon this entire post. dust? anybody? no?

sub ver sive semiautobio

2008-01-25T10:32:00.000-08:00

yeah so anyway i was blog hopping and figured i should say something before i get all tired and lose all form of inspiration. not that im particularly inspired now...in fact im very sleepy but i promise just a quickie here and i will be asleep by 3. see i just need to type out things sometimes. let it all out and then i can sleep better. it's true. but i have no means of proving it. only my tortured soul.

well been catching lots of movies recently. special thanks to (alan) jonk zee nash cc for the savages. thoroughly depressing but a much needed kind of rude awakening to the harsh journey that life takes us all through. i wonder how much is being selfish, and how little is sparing a thought for others and serving out one's obligations? i am not looking forward to a midlife crisis. i hope it isnt compulsory, or anything. and if anything i dont wanna be stuck with something that i dont enjoy. i dont want to live a lie. eventually.

"we are horrible people. horrible. horrible. horrible. horrible."

tuesday was 27 dresses with xtine. fun movie and i was very impressed with katherine heigl's astute portrayal. nothing too corny, too ditzy, too preppy. it was just right, like a good measure of tea and sugar, ultimately sweet but without making you feel like you're gonna get diabetes. and cow i am totally not making sense now but you know, i was never a fan of romantic comedies, but this one (and hitch) might have changed my mind. and i always like happy endings. or sad ones that were inevitable yet eventually acceptable because perspectives have shifted. priorities, different. lives, changed. that kinda thing. in any case it was a colourful affair- it always is with xtine anyway- and i really counted 27 dresses. thaipusam that night was an eye opener...until it started killing the traffic. i actually felt lost in singapore that night, like i didnt belong, just as much as the curious tourists with the dvd camcorders felt somewhat bewildered in awe.

wednesday was a very nice night of strolling out to lot1 with jonk. the perks of being in the same camp. and the stay out/nights out life- it was great catching up although the first thing he mentioned was the very unsettling piece of news about heath ledger's death (which i still find very disturbing- it's not fair, is it?) but yes, we basically roamed that place till the max and to be honest we didnt really talk about anything in particular, but yet it was such a good evening to look back on. i guess with old friends it's always good that way. there's no pressure to impress. i find myself trying to impress a lot of times. and that's both exhilirating and exhausting.

my phone died on me come thursday but i still managed a successful movie rendezvous with liyana- le grand chef! i guess we both agreed that cc the vegetarian was better off not seeing it because boy were they brutal with the animals. i liked it though. i wish i could cook half as well. i think that i want to be a rather homely kinda person, but something out there is pulling me away. but i will still try. i always try. i need to learn korean too! and so here i begin, conquering the world and surmounting the improbable peaks of my imagination. but there are always limits. on a random note, i do truly miss acting. did i just say that? liyana, i hope you tide through with the tight situation and make it through the rain. you always do.

i also lost a bag of blood this week, but for a good cause. i think i was furious when he first told me that my pressure was too low. i actually drank cold water quickly for the first time in years just so it would go up.

and i am beginning to find my way in SI. my wish is that i will stay calm and maintain a generous sense of humour when it comes to the many twerps around me. but there is this sense of, well, Purpose growing, and i cant wait to unravel it completely. and because of that i will win this. i must.

sometimes i get very confused with how im feeling. i was somewhat happy to see them today, but then i realized i actually felt like nothing. weird. and i cant go on without reciprocation.

anyway, today my ipod will return to the road. which means im joining jack sparrow and gang. mot joe black's back!

p.s. movies i (still) wanna watch:

sweeney todd
diving bell and butterfly
american gangster
eastern promises
darjeeling limited
jesse james
atonement
juno
lars and the real girl
the golden compass

the e awards 007

2008-01-19T02:34:00.000-08:00

before i forget...

The e Awards: 007

and the nominees are...
(winners in orange)

best male song

- apologize (timbaland introducing one republic)
- stronger (kanye west)

- last night (diddy ft. keisha cole)

- beautiful girls (sean kingston)

best female song

- damn easy (paula deanda ft. bow wow)

- umbrella (rihanna ft. jay-z)

- girlfriend (avril lavigne)

- no one (alicia keys)

- gimme more/piece of me (britney spears)

- big girls don't cry (fergie)

- taking chances (celine dion)

- candyman (christina aguilera)

best group song
- cupid's chokehold (gym class heroes)
- makes me wonder (maroon 5)
- home (daughtry)
- hey there delilah (plain white t's)
- rule the world (take that)

best breakthrough
- i fell in love with the dj (che'nelle)
- tattoo (jordin sparks)

- handle me (robin)
- here in your arms (hello goodbye)

best collaboration
- song 4 mutya (groove armada ft. mutya buena)
- beautiful liar (beyonce & shakira)
- give it to me (timbaland, justin timberlake & nelly furtado)

song of the year
- the way i are (timbaland ft. keri hilson)
- umbrella (rihanna ft. jay-z)
- makes me wonder (maroon 5)

- girlfriend (avril lavigne)

...and here's to a new year of great music!

in this life

2008-01-11T09:15:00.000-08:00

I was nurtured
I was sheltered,
I was curious and young.
I was searching for that something,
Trying to find it on the run.
Oh and just when I stopped looking,
I saw just how far I'd come.
In this life.
In this life.

the year went away without my permission, so here i am, picking up the pieces from where i last left off. even yesterday seems such a distance away. but im stretching...as i always do.

the last few days (and moments) of 2007 would not have been possible without jean, sinni, stef, junyi, sharapova, chakvetadze and family. those few days, it was like, walking on ice cream. short, but sweet. at times surreal, star striking, but nonetheless, sublime.

the first day of 2008 would not have been possible without the class. we had breakfast in the afternoon. a pancake affair with hats and crusty conversation. tea at essential brew at holland v that evening was, well, essential for me. i guess i let insecurity get the better of me, which soon proved unnecessary the next night. much thanks to elly, huanna, xtine and darren('s voice).

life has been pretty random and unspectacular ever since. but i have to be thankful for the nostalgic dinner with liyana, sarah and cc. maybe one day we will take to the stage again. dinner at yingsze's,the nigella incarnate. beauty world with xtine. unimpressive, but always a treat. kbox with the class! amazing although only joy my duet partner understands me haha. reservation road with shumin. predictable, but how can one turn away from such fine acting?

and then there was army. there IS army. (exactly one year today!) im just pretty piqued about not being able to do anything. to do it right. to feel comfortable with where i am and who im stuck with. i cant say i dont feel condemned to some extent, but i think if i choose to look at things with all the good in mind, to know that there's definitely much more to life (cue stacie orrico- i never knew she was so good live), then everything will be just fine. and i can open up more doors for myself and not feel so perpetually trapped.

i think singing helps unleash a lot of my pent up emotions. i cant say i do it too well, but at least i get it all out. i just told sarah to 'just tell him u like him' because 'life is too short'. hmmm. i say we should all learn to take our own advice someday.

i feel very safe and contented at home. packing and cleaning today was extremely cathartic. it was like giving my things (and hence myself) a new beginning. but i need to do so much more. in the meantime ive been gaining inspiration from youtube and the likes of stacie orrico, delta goodrem and the all american rejects.

there must be more to life- in this life that i am stuck in. and even though it ends tonight, we just have to move along, with all our dirty little secrets and innocent eyes.

You give me love,
You give me light,
Show me everything's been happening,
You've opened up my eyes,
I'm following
Three steps fight an honest fight,
Two hearts, that can start a fire,
One love is all I need in this life...

stand still, look pretty

2007-12-25T09:07:00.000-08:00

xmas at xtine's came back for a second year last sunday and it was swell even though the rained threatened to, well, rain on our barbecue parade. spent most of the earlier part trying to complete my last minute christmas cards but in the end i triumphed- not in time for lyl though, who decided to leave early- what a bugger. everyone was in happy, high spirits- some back from a new home miles away, a different continent, some local 'regulars', some fellow new officers...whatever the case...all still very happy to see each other because frankly we cant get enough of one another haha. oh and i finally got to see xtine's house and invade her room. super cosy. a room of one's own. she also decided it was time to gimme an xmas gift from last year (i feel bad for not reciprocating)- a small jar of marmalade (which unfortunately expired in april) and a button magnet which read: BREATHE DEEPLY. oh christine- "the whole world loves her and, has to have her"

everyone was looking positively radiant. the turn up was actually quite reassuring and it was just so easy talking to everyone- like we never left school at all. well i guess to a large extent we're all still jc students in our hearts- nobody really wanted it to end anyway. after the charred food we made our way up to xtine's apartment for dessert- namely superb ice cream from trix, a cake which ramu bought, and wine from snee. i think im addicted to rum and raisin ice cream now.

after some bumming around and a little bit of america's got talent on the telly i made my quiet way back home on two buses. 156 almost didnt come- but having served me so well along the same route for 6 years, i guess i knew it wouldnt let me down. caught the last bus home, appreciated the xmas lightings at pandan valley, and almost didnt wake up in time for gawin's dimsum lunch the next day.

i think i might like
the quiet nights
of this empty life

gawin always pours in the best gossip in town- but it was definitely nice meeting him for other reasons, of course. catching up was great, and so was the food- although im more of a whatever-tastes-good person rather than an i-want-my-cantonese-food-authentic guy as gawin is. once again, the world is small, so i bumped into glen chiang whom i have regretfully failed to meet up with all this while. trooped my way to cityhall after that to shop for a last minute present before meeting up with the guys. because the world decided to shrink even more what with globalization and global warming, we bumped into shibani and evie at canele! in an effort to dispel my embarassing same-clothes gaffe from their memories i hastily squeezed out two xmas cards for them. but to be honest i enjoyed the spontaneity. just like how jan and i walked into marks and spencer and came out with my cards and biscuits which i so very kindly treated. it's christmas everybody! no time for scrooge.

anyway we exchanged presents quite quickly and jonk surprised me once again by giving me the hitchhiker's guide book. wooohooo! whenever i get down to proper reading im gonna have a heyday. anyway we spent most of the outing eating. next stop was soup spoon, where we saw a certain singaporean celebrity dressed like a tasteless newurbanmale and i bumped (because the world is really more puny than small) into valerie! i guess it's a good thing that i could recognize her. zee got a music-themed gift combo from me (oh how i like to overrate my creations and embellish it so- but like it said it's christmas! what's life without a truckload of decorations and unnecessary distractions?)- a singing dancing santa and a maroon 5 cd for the music explorer in him. most disturbingly we stopped by ben&jerry's for yet another binging session after that, where joyce was chatting with her friend because the world is really running out of space, and where evie happened to be on shift :] extra large scoops we got!

we whiled our time away saying extremely bad things about alan the absent (i hope you are reading this, dude. haha) and before we knew it it was time for jonk to leave for his family thing. next stop was hmv and as a belated gesture of both kinds zee and i bought celine dion's las vegas dvd for nash the rash. i still insist that taking chances is her best song to date but then again i never really considered myself a fan of hers. not even the paper kind. but the wreckers! oh thanks so much zee for that splendid belated bday gift. yes i chose it myself haha. so that makes two new country albums for christmas this year. dad got me carrie underwood- whom ive always been wary about. but we shall see! new music is always welcome.

lingzhi veggie restaurant. chengchai could finally eat freely, without qualms, and the atmosphere was perfect. our own little private table. comfy sofa seats and avant garde backdrops. i actually enjoyed the food- too bad there wasnt more to go around. when we got to united square everything was closed- so much for christmas shopping, but there was this new ice cream place called, much to nash's delight, Udders- and i indulged in more rum and raisin :]

for some reason we never tire of sleepovers although when you think carefully about it we never quite accomplish more than a dozen youtube videos, a movie maybe, and some good conversation. a tick each for all of the above- we (or rather, i) finally watched Undiscovered, and i must say it wasnt quite well worth the wait but i still enjoyed it nonetheless. ashlee simpson rocks lah okay stop arguing with me. they weren't the best fellow movie goers for this particular one (given their inherent prejudice) but i suppose i will still thank zee nash and cc for attempting to watch this with me. i hated saying goodbye when the one night stand ended, but i guess im finding it easier to do so nowadays. not because anything matters less...but rather, on the contrary, because i have confidence that the 'goodbye's gonna be more temporary than ever.

by the time i made it to my family party the fatigue was setting in quite painfully so i spent most of it sleeping on my aunt's bed together with some of my other tired cousins. haha. when i woke up there were only 3 hours of christmas day left. i spent most of it looking at the face of time (and wishing it would stop)- youth. my cousin's little toddler, finding his own cheerful way in this world he probably thinks is humongous (but will probably grow up to discover otherwise, as i have). and then i thought about all the things that made this year. that made it happen. and i guess i will look back with a smile on the heart. i dont think i could ever do it all over again.
the food was a feast though.

i am still fully booked (and happily so) till the end of my leave this friday. even for the weekend actually. facebook is about the only thing that i can make exceptions/openings for. how i wish everything could be expressed in pictures. i guess you know im joking, though, seriously, i think i am hooked.

merry christmas little world.

a day with the bees

2007-12-22T23:27:00.000-08:00

so i was closing my eyes, hoping that by the time i woke up the train would be at my station and i could happily head home, touch down on the pillow and make my cold go away, for good. the door opens, something damp and furry brushes past my calf and i open my eyes only to see...a DOG- on the MRT- running frantically in the opposite direction from it's even more frantic pursuers (which comprised the owner and the purple-uniformed mrt staff). by the time it came sprinting back towards me it looked like it was actually having fun in this game of tag- the woman across me was petrified white, and clearly not amused when they started wrestling with poor wellington on the floor- it was then that i noticed how this dog was a perfect shade of golden brown. almost like, a hash brown. i would have taken a photo but my reflexes were no match for this hyperactive canine. plus i was in a bit of a daze- still in a state of half-belief and still itching pathetically in the nose.

other than the dust that got just about everyone in the room sneezing by the end of the night, shibani's house was fantastic. we just felt so at home lazing about under her sheets, throwing random soft toys that went 'boing', eating krispy kremes, or krispy kringles as they call them during this season, munching on cupcakes that looked like the ones claire bennett made on heroes (they are actually having a heroes party next week how cool is that), listening to her dog bark disapprovingly at us, chomping on pizza, playing non-19 year old games (including og games and pictionary junior) but still getting a kick out of it, watching random videos on youtube etc. really glad i got the opportunity to crash in on 1b's gathering- cant say i felt out of place though- they were all so warm and welcoming. as for the indecisiveness and such, let's just say- what's new? i think every class suffers from that chronic symptom. so for a fun loving day with fun loving people, i thank 1b for the generous hospitality. and i must apologize to rich&zhenghao for not making the bbq in the end. i think i wouldve collapsed by the time i made it to tampines. but let's do it next time please!

today i will be seeing more familiar faces...1a's turn! i cannot wait, but i also must find a way not to go empty handed. ah bummer. but at least all this feels like christmas. and that makes me very merry, indeed.

little wonders

2007-12-21T06:53:00.000-08:00

today i woke up a very light and pleasant person. the sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, everything was nice and easy. a few things threatened to turn things around. dead fish (now fishes) in the tank, butterfly flying out from slippers, car accident outside pandan valley. the sound of horns. the demonic dispersal of debris. the wanton smashup.

but then i chose to distance myself from it all and, for the first time in such a long time, i took the overhead bridge. it was like, looking down on human folly- for once, then, nothing. on the bus, everybody seemed contented to have something other than their handphones to look at. the spectacle beyond the window, out there in the baking sun- i didnt think they quite understood it as well as i did. some third parties just...know better. in a way i tried to claim ownership over that (beautiful) disaster. red on blue. or was it blue on red? that's something i'll never know. but id still like to think that i have something to say about it.

borders is a freaky place. and the world is, as xtine would put it, 'terribly small'. but i enjoy such pleasant surprises. meeting up with snee this afternoon, we bumped into shumin! and a few seconds into our newly inspired conversation we saw...uglen! plus may i mention it was the exact same spot in borders that i met trixia about one year ago and we took that photo and the woman told us no photos were allowed. heck, we took another photo this time round anyway. nobody said anything. you cannot deny destiny! my aunty AND my cousin. sitting beside jenny. russellchen on that same spot. so many people, too many coincidences- i love it.

walking out of borders shumin and snee chanced upon their ex-teacher. after a wonderful tea time chat at marmalade pantry (shumin's the bomb- welcome back!) snee and i trooped around town and in our own walk of 'destiny' came across a certain matthewleehao across the parallel lido escalators- we werent even watching a movie! serendipity at it's very best. okay wrong word maybe, but you get the drift.

anyway snee was a huge pleasure to talk to. thanks for brightening up my afternoon. may silversurfer get well really soon and may you get all your data back.

took a solo bus ride home- waiting time was ridiculous- stopped by holland v to pick up dinner. something about that feeling of independence on a rainy day, going back to an empty house all to myself that made me quite pleased with the way the day turned out. not spectacular, considering i started it at noon, but still, twas divine.

photos make me happy. there's no two ways about that. shall go feast my eyes once again, and procrastinate with the things-i-ought-to-do.

the blue ball

2007-12-20T21:22:00.000-08:00

the salmon was not so good after all. but everything else was great :]

i think last night everyone was happy, or at least they looked happy, which is always a good thing. now that it is over, complete with the anti-climatic feel at the end, i am back to being just a little bit empty inside. but the memories live on.

congratulations to me for conscientiously planning out my day's schedule, only to wake up at 3pm and have no choice but to throw half of it away. well i did not get the blue shoes after all, but thankfully our outfits matched- which i eventually became pretty obsessed about. anyway it's always nice spending time with sarah, and considering she spent half the time on stage and went home with possibly the most 'awards', im guessing it was both fun and tiring for her. haha. all the girls were pretty sporting i must say. just looking at the photos makes me smile.

really great seeing familiar faces all around. for some, maybe the last time, you never know. what disturbs me is nobody really knows the details for reporting and all. everything's just a blur for what lies ahead. but i guess a part of me is much better off not knowing.

the music, we all agreed, was horrible. it went from techno-nursery rhymes to canto-techno beats and eventually a warped version of scissor sisters (read: bootleg). the food was for some reason almost identical to acpc dining in- im not sure if it was deliberate but haha i guess the company was good enough for none of that to matter.

i had a lot of fun. there i said it. i guess ive always held back saying something like that just in case something better comes along, but i just have to be honest with myself sometimes. it was a fine evening. plus sleeping till 3pm that same day meant that i didnt feel tired at all, not even after that when the group of us (zhenghao valerie rich aysuria edwin evie mark stef chinks nina) headed to cafe iguana for some magaritas. mark was pretty wasted by the time we were done, and i have photos to prove my point, haha. stef the poor girl puked all over the bushes- i hope she's feeling better now. i still owe you your snake! and apple pie!

so, to a great night, and hopefully more of such to come, i offer a toast of top 10 anti-climaxes:
1) majlennon came down with chicken pox! (i wonder what feifan did)
2) "god put a pimple upon my face"
3) cafe iguana (bad service) rushes us for our order and the bill and closes on us.
4) darren ye decides that after making us walk all over fox/levis/puma/g2000/fcuk/zara/johnlittle etc. he would NOT wear the corduroy pants.
5) they gave us tic-tac-toe boardgames for shaking our booties on stage.
6) victor's iphone did not win us table prize. like HELLO it's an IPHONE.
7) no lucky draw prize for me. haha but everyone else was lucky!
8) edwin sprains his ankle and remains immobile for most of the dinner.
9) mark lim gets the exact same new camera as me- canonixus860is- save for the black trim.
10) we missed our bus stop and had to walk back to clarke quay.

alright i shall troop down to town and catch snee. will figure out how to upload photos from the new cam soon. if you are reading this i probably need to catch up with you before my leave ends next week so get in touch yeah?

what do you say to taking chances?
what do you say to jumping off the edge?
never knowing if there's solid ground below
a hand to hold
or hell to pay
what do you say?

outta my head

2007-12-19T09:39:00.000-08:00

i know this is terribly random but alan just told me on msn that jamie lynn spears is pregnant. what the heck. the girl's 16. she's gonna be a mom by 17. how do you live a life like that? or does just asking that question make me an insensitive chauvanist? but i refuse to be faulted at bemoaning not so much the choices some people make in their lives, but rather how their lives are exploited by those around them- the media. what i found most disturbing during my reliable wiki research was this: The father is Casey Aldridge, whom she met through church.
ha! church indeed.

anyway, enough big happenings on the homefront to deal with, so all this worldly news will have to wait till i have the appetite for them. commissioning last saturday. it was a blast. i mean just the fact that it's over already- i still can't seem to process it right. where did all those weeks of toiling and training go? suddenly, what seemed like the biggest challenge of a lifetime has been downsized to a few photos, and very fond, deep memories nonetheless. putting on that rank hasn't kicked in yet- i don't feel any different, we are all still learning, still growing, still seeking our way in the dark- except now we've learnt how to do without the eyes and dare to take that step forward. all i really wanna day is, i miss all of it already. on that parade square, a part of me was wishing that it would never end. but it did, as all good things do, and now all i have is another chapter to close, another new path to tread. after comms ball tmr, we will be really really going our separate ways, won't we? i think i will miss my bunk the most.

why do i adore alan so much? because sometimes he does this.
a£an. you and jupiter and venus says:
you and me we can ride on an ashleestar
HAHAHAHA. GREAT song by Take That by the way- very inspired by the closing credits of stardust. which also reminds me of my duty to inform all netizens that ashlee's new video is out so go watch it now! her most creative by far- better than shadow in some respects, and that's a lot coming from me!

anyway signals is really scary. today when i was out with chang and darren scouting for clothes we bumped into a medic AND a lta. both from stagmont. i might have thought we were being stalked but then again each of us bumped into one other person we knew. justin his senior. darren his non-blood aunty. and i saw wanqing! so my only reasonable conclusion is that singapore is just a very small country and this IS a small world after all. i shant even launch into the 6 degrees of separation thing. unless you can tell me how i can get to ashlee simpson in a matter of 6 people.

speaking of which, i cant wait for switchfoot and maroon 5! aaaaahhhhhhh. i need a good concert to feel young again. the last one was xtina aguilera, on the eve of brunei, so the mood was a little sickening, but still had great company in the form of xtine and terence :] but this time....oh man im gonna go mental. just you wait. and if all goes well i can catch sharapova at the end of this year too. whee!

i have come to realize that i might be just another shallow hollywood lusting lad but id like to think it's all about character building and finding my way in this similarly shallow and lustful world that never fails to offer those like me a double-edged source of never ending demoralization and hope. issues...i have issues.

well with the dawn of a new day i hope i have the strength to be more mature and earn my way from there. it's all i ever wanted anyway. i just want to be suitably satisfied with what i do- gain that sense of accomplishment and then im a happy person.

nice seeing some of the class on saturday. really glad xtine jean and elly came. hopefully more will turn up at the xmas @ xtine's this year. breakfast was such a peaceful affair. like we were all at peace with the world. i wish xtine would get over her phobia though. met up with the guys after that for lunch. deplorable (in the words of gawin) service but food was not too bad. during dessert cedele pulled a fast one on us and RAN OUT OF ICE CREAM. if it weren't for our quiet contentment with our company we would have boycotted what could possibly be the biggest anti-climax of the year.

did you know that sarah can really dance? im saying that in awe. the performance was great. extremely creative. im glad i went, even though it got a bit lonely and quiet. had a lot of lone time these few days. i wish i knew how to spend it better, though. it's almost like wasting a moment.

after days and hours at black angus (where the bunk met zhenghao's formidable sister), coffee club (where the service was again too good to be true), and rafflescity/citylink/marinasquare, i am officially done with beef, turkey and corduroy pants. at least for the next few days.

salmon, here i come.

leaves are coming down

2007-12-08T08:47:00.001-08:00

You see I thought that I would get down to this sooner- but I guess I was wrong, as I am on a lot of things, I have realized.

In a span of 38 weeks or 9 months I have come so far in a journey that started out completely different from where it will be ending in about a week. That's right, we're down to about a single digit on the day counter.

Where have I been? What have I been doing? Well, that's like asking a polar bear for directions and kissing the floor with your ass. If I could I would stand atop a super skyscraper and spread my arms like they were wings but instead of flight, I'd attain an acquired composure through the most unstable of methods. Yelling at the top of my lungs, till I'm out of breath. Twisting my feet all over the place, and yearning for someone do do that with me. Making belief, just to try to see if I could be happier than I already am.

I do not think I am happy, but yet I know I am. There is a strangeness in the knowledge of uncertainty in my life- a false sense of security that somehow gives the the very strength I need to counter it, work against it, and make my life REAL. To place myself back behind the wheel and steer myself in the right direction. What's next?

"It's October again, leaves are coming down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing has changed at all"

Today I sit here trying to think back on that empty space between this entry and the one below, but call it anything but empty. I have gone through so much- but have I changed? I don't think so. What I have achieved is a new perspective on things. Things which are till this day very vague. Very intangible. And I love it. Because this is what I want my life to be like. (Sometimes anyway) A rush of blood to the head, a blurring of vision, a gust of hair tussling wind sweeping you off your feet...and getting up with the help of your numb (and slightly shrivelled) hands, you find yourself teleported, of sorts, and of course, you don't know how, but then again, you've always secretly known that you had the ability to do such...things.

"I think I'll tryyyyyyyyy
Defying Gravity"

One year- and I am finally done with Orhan Pamuk's Istanbul. In some ways it was a difficult read, mostly because I always found the right excuses to distract myself from it. Still, I'm glad I made it through. The end was blissful. In some sense abrupt, but it was ultimately life-changing and for me, it connected in more ways than one. How uncanny as I thumbed my way through the pages finding more and more in common with him. Melancholy. Artist. Scavenger. Defeated Sibling. Writer. Intellectual Existentialist. Abstract Daydreams etc. And a whole lot more that is yet unwritten.

Unlike the chapters in the book, my own pages have left behind those whom I have not bothered to speak to or meet up with in the last portion of eternity. For that I can only feel sorry for the transient capacity of my good nature, and indeed, that of nature itself. I have seen and heard myself make the wrong moves, wrong decisions, but I have also given myself so much to believe in. Even more can be said of the people around me in recent times. I thank them for being there when I needed company the most, and even when I dreaded it, they still hung around to remind me that I'm not and never will be an island. Good has transpired, shit has happened, but life is peaceful, and everything's cool now. Maybe this breeze I feel is but the harbinger of a new storm, but at least now I know how to kiss the rain.

"Let me feel
I don't care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I've lived
Just a little"

I will be back with more soon. Need to snap outta this midnight mood mode. Yeah, I'm blogging again dude.

unbroken

2007-03-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

whoever said my life was boring- is wrong!

the past week has been a real mood lifter and even though i miss bmt, i guess i miss being a civilian so much more!
here's to the few good days of freedom i had- a taste i would soon forget for a good nine months- but only if i survive through it all.

saturday
after almost dying from 48 times around the pop square, i escaped to the melodious world of mosaic and tristan prettyman.
sarah, glutton's bay, the random tourist couple, and drinks with shibani and cc from the yamagata league.

PRETTYman!

it's a small world
jojo me sarah shib js sookee vick cc

sunday
with xtine at crystal mirror

monday
life! theatre awards- a first for me and eye opener in more ways than one. i miss the stage already.

the very golden and fabulously funny pam oei.

best actor! + (stranger)

paparazzi! brenda and evie adding sugar, spice and everything nice.

tuesday

futile games of pingpong with ping alan and pong cc at ping's place aka void deck.
lunch at the mall where dinosaurs rule no more, and indulgence in yong tau foo and a six dollars for four instant photoshoot.

dinner later at suntec- pasta and gelare for dessert :]

me alan zee nash @ fountain of wealth

thursday/friday
rather big day with DMS interview at five, finally meeting the very lovely shajee, followed by dinner with section buddies at marina CA. miss them already.
changing appetites, headed a lonely way home, chatted a little with good ole mummy and rushed off to pine grove for the night.

at sarah's movie marathon, only cc sarah and myself- once again, condemned to a Threesome. productive in watching stage beauty, pieces of april, and devil wears prada. pieces of april, the only new show for me, was splendid.

did not sleep till 6am, woke up at 11am in sarah's living room and left for home in less than half an hour. yet another big day ahead. i must say the day that i received the most smses in the longest time.

first up was posting- complete surprise for me.
headed to ri for visiting. had a couple of good chats.
chinatown was next- ms heng :]
day ended by night with class bbq at yeeler's.
i was both tired and somewhat frustrated with myself and the way things might be for some time.

the bestest librarian! and a view i still miss sorely. the one and only joylim!
"sterilize the carrot"

emo shot
alan: 'on how life is'

chinatown baby!
nash zee cc jonk msheng alan me

msheng and i
very very very happy for her :]

the forever friends- where will we go next?

and so i cant wait to live out more colourful memories like those above- they await me, i know they do.
but until then i shall try to move forth without a heavy heart, the one that has been plaguing me since yesterday. no, not that, but instead with the promise of my dream coming true after a good night's slumber.
so here we go again.

'Cos this is the day that everything changes and your world stops turning.
Running, straight into the brake lights you've come to nothing.
This is the day that everything changes and your worlds collide,
but know in time you wake to find you're a little unbroken.

find your way back

2007-03-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

"i used to get away with so much
now i cant get away"

for what has been the longest 9 weeks of my life, i am back!
(sometimes i wonder how i always find a reason to put an exclamation mark and sound excited)
but only for a while, before i disappear once more into the wilderness to live out the life of a soldier all over again.

on this early morning, it could almost seem like none of that ever happened.
but it did, and gladly so. in short, it was a love hate relationship, but i have decided to live life with no regrets :] so here goes!

i cannot bring myself to bridge the gap in words. the gap being how i left this blog with the photos you see below and where i am now. my current state of mind. whatever ive been through. all i can say is that i must have changed. i really am still the same person underneath it all, but i truly believe that my life will never be the same again. now that's scary.
but scary also means exciting.

i sit here not having to worry about A levels anymore...because the results have come and gone. for what once seemed like the biggest event in my life, it has now become but a piece of history, another square on my quilt of memories and thoughts, gathering dust by the day, and shrinking in sight from the horizon of my memory. it will return to testify its presence, to demand a little more retrospective respect, but for now, the sea is calm and calling out to me to take another step. the question in my life is- what now?

and my anti-climactic answer is i have no idea. i really dunno where im going in life. i dunno what im doing now. why im doing this. i only decided to start blogging because i was lonely and had noone to talk to at this time of night. i supposed if i was desperate i couldve woken someone up. but just as my past is shrinking from me, i suspect i might be shrinking away from the world once more. how depressing. but then i am going to wake up happy. and such is my schizophrenic life. do you understand now, why i have no idea...most of the time? because i really dont know what im going to do, going to think, going to feel...nothing's really in my control anymore. not even me.

but these are words of a lonely person. "right now i am solo and that will be changing eventually"
this too, will pass. i guess what i really wanna say is. life is beautiful. sometimes we get lost along the way, sometimes we look up in the sky wondering what this whole game is all about, but eventually it comes to the point where...it really doesnt matter, does it? i mean we have a mind. use it. we can spend the rest of our lives worrying about this, but nobody's gonna give us the answer. but i have this strange intuition that its all going to be one big joke. just one big joke after another. and we will leave this place, laughing, completely unlike how we all arrived, crying.

for all the uncertainties in my life i offer a toast. a toast to the suspense that will grip me and wrap me round my own fingers. i will twirl and dance in anticipation, like a fool, but a desperado at once, yearning for more, until i spin myself dizzy and decide to take a rest. speaking of which i need some so i guess i will stop here. but i love you i really do. so please come back to me and i will really make this all better.

this one's for all of you. there should be no mystery. so why don't you ask me. hold me. tell me secrets. take me out. go to places where even you have never been. id be delighted to join in because i seek the momentary escape from boredom and hey, life's a party, really. and we are the happy merry puppets that lie on cushions and sleep till they dream of many splendid dreams that they never thought they could dream of. we and they dont really go together i suppose.

later, i need to read. sleep. get my things to do checked one by one. and then everything will come true and the sun will rise so i can see again. i want to breathe. i want to talk to the rain. i want to drive for an hour. and i wanna watch chances fade. i also wanna say things i never meant to say. id like to hold my breath and count to ten.

i know you are lost.

well, so am i.

moving on

2007-01-11T08:42:00.000-08:00

bye bye peeps! on to another fun and exciting chapter of my life.
i'll be back.

thanks to all for an amazing past few days on this island:
humanz bbq, crashing onite, mt house cartel dinner, snee/junyi house visit, alan/nash treat & outing etc.

and so it is

2007-01-07T22:30:00.000-08:00

just got back from Brown Interview and awaiting the computer fella and looking forward to Onite (i dont know why) later together with MT house comm dinner. MSN convos make a lotta sense sometimes. anyway, before the keyboard goes wacky again, here's for angie and myself (thanks to mrschan).

angie's aggressive publicity:

angieeee* getplush.livejournal.com says:
hello samjo!

angieeee* getplush.livejournal.com says:
please help me advertise my site!

angieeee* getplush.livejournal.com says:
http://getplush.livejournal.com ((:

shujia's sensible advice:

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
aiyo. u old then wat am i

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
older

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
oops

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
haha

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
hmm i guess what i mean is it's kinda like some turning pt in life for me so it's a big step forward

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
whereas ure all settled down and stuff!

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
then u can spend some time to take stock of ur life

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
ask urself some qns like

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
what have you done well so far

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
what have you not done so well in

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
What changes or improvement would you like to have

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
in which area would you like to venture into

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
take time now also to catch up with frens/ relatives u haven't met for a long time

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
grandparents still around go visit them if u don't stay w them

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
if u stay with them, spend more time talking to them

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
bring them out

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
make sthg for ur siblings or ur parents

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
card bake a cake cook a dish adn surprise everyone

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
]:

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
ok i feel so lousy now

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
har y

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
i think im kinda selfish when it comes to doing the family quality time thingy

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
altho i really wanna sometimes...but i dunno i cant seem to bring myself to it

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
it's quite common among young pple these days. maybe u also wanna spend some time asking urself y u can't seem to bring urself to do it

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
there must b a reason. just that sometimes we are not v honest w ourselves or we don't wan to come face to face with it bec subconsciously, we know the reason reveals the ugly part of ourselves

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
and may i challenge u to take baby steps to change

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
nid not go to the extent of baking cake or cookng dish

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
maybe sending an sms of greeting or encouragement to a family member will also brighten up his/her day

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
mhmm

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
yepyep i know i knoww

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
i think im like rather short tempered with my family...that's the ugly side of me

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
in fact im just generally like that except i tend not to show that side too much in school

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
and partly also my family's never been the type who'd u know be all pro-love and showy with feelings

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
as in it's the kinda understated emotional atmosphere tt perhaps makes it very outta place if say i suddenly bake a cake or smthing

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
haha but i mean if everyone thinks the same then it wont change rightt...

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
im not even sure how far im willing to go trying to change anything anw...whether i have to

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
ya, that's the thing abt the chinese culture

\/Ø† she's a very kinky girl says:
(ya i suppose chinese has smthing to do with it too)

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
but it's a lie tt oh we're family so we know we love each other

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
love not shown is love not received

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
and many times, the pace of life is so fast adn stressful tt such things get left out

Where ur treasure is, there ur heart will be also says:
so i challenge u la. to take a small step. maybe u'll b very surprised at the kind of response u will receive

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

2006

2007-01-05T10:13:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
- ride on a hot air balloon!
- get published on the papers!
- go to zouk
- meet up with pschool classmates
- take part in an amazing race
- a lot of designing
- donate blood!

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
- i didnt have any, except perhaps to be a better person and all. im not the best judge of myself- what do you think?
- a few for 2007:
1) learn driving
2) learn the guitar
3) learn Russian
4) be a better, healthy person

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
- yes! two of my cousins!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
- grandpa ];

5. What foreign countries did you visit?
- turkey!

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
- a certain vision of the future and a greater sense of self-confidence
- more friends and a closer family
-even better health and happiness
- maybe $ and <3 color="#cc6600">7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
- 19 june (as always, but because of the charming surprise and the nice family dinner)
- 29 nov (erm a levels ended? officially that is!)
- 31 dec (uni apps made me Very aware of dates i assure you, esp arnd deadline)

8. What was your biggest achievement of 2006?
- complete the As.
- juggle j2 cca with studies
- learning to give
- winning stuff like raffles trail and tenacious d :]

9. What was your biggest failure?
- not becoming a better person in some respects
- not hooking up with anyone haha

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
- nope!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
- the best things dont get bought.
but perhaps the many clothes and dvds and presents for friends will count.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
- ashlee simpson- who made it to Chicago
- friends who were spontaneous and understanding
- family at times...esp the cute babiesss
i find it hard to be specific.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
- kira! and how the "world is rotten"!
at times some random individuals but nothing long-standing- which is good!
no more wars make love now

14. Where did most of your money go?
i think i spent a lot this year. been gg out more often, esp after the As.
for the holiday season in particular...most of the money went on friends.
so there- im an angel

15. What did you get really, really excited about?
- ashlee simpson getting on Chicago
- death note
- little miss sunshine
- turkey!
- raffles trail, haunted house, orientation, shifting gears
- tenacious D contest
- the As, in a perverse way
- uni apps, also in a perverse way

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2006?
- i dare you (shine down), promiscuous/say it right/maneater / all good things (nelly furtado), tokyo drift (teriyaki boyz), chain hang low, invisible (ashlee simpson), superfreak (rick james), public affair (jessica simpson), fergalicious/ london bridge (fergie), chasing cars (snow patrol), sexy back/my love (justin timberlake), hurt / aint no other man (xtina aguilera), i write scenes not tragedies (panic! at the disco) etc.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? sadder (older)
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter (1kg?)
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
iv. older or wiser? older and wiser too

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
- study, uni apps
- have fun
- family time
- first time things
- exercise, eat
- SLEEP

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
- vices
- slack/stone
- slam doors, raise voice, lose temper
- the computer!

20. How will you be spending New Years Eve?
- technically ive alrdy spent it...but yes, with my family :]]]

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
- trick question! "when i fall in love...it will be forever!"

22. How many one-night stands?
- One? ONE night stand. mwhaha.

23. What was your favourite TV program?
- Charmed- for an amazing series finale
and probably tied with Rockstar Supernova!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
- No. thankfully. those worth hating, ive realized, are simply not worth the effort to begin with. they will rot!

25. What was the best book you read?
- im a slow/bad reader!
but if i had to choose, from my limited reads:
curious incident of the dog?
catcher in the rye?
the great gatsby?
a midsummer night's dream?
ok i choose the last one. shakespeare rules.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
- can i say Dilana Robichaux?

27. What did you want and get?
- a fulfilling school life (ccas lessons etc.)
- 04#! my gibson guitar!
- Mot Joe Black! my ipod video!
- ch V party passes to ryan star showcase!
- nelly furtado's loose!
- scissor sister's $100 hamper!
...come to think of it, 2006 was indeed a bumper year of winnings for me!
well, let's just hope the luck lasts for other perhaps more impt things in life!

28. What did you want and not get?
- a Moor Tarbet IHC win (includes Dramafest!);
- a photo with Ms Sandrilene Lo!
- a soulmate
- a different face and body in the mirror
- an applied award at grad ceremony
- a direct internship with SPH
- good prelim results

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
- Little Miss Sunshine! no contention this time! spectacular performance and surprising oscar runner woo hoo!
runner up would be Pirates of the Carribean 2! Dead Man's Chest. total complete joyride.
others include: step up, death note, the illusionist, crash, closer, shattered glass, x3, over the hedge, helen the baby fox etc.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
- woke up at 1pm, did math practice!
BUT got a great surprise frm snee zee gawin cc jonk! cake + macs breakfast! and presents and cards!
then dinner with family :]
a great way to turn 18, even without booze and sleaze! im clean!

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
- A better perspective on my life and control over studies in particular

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
- 2006 i made some good fashion improvements.
for one i did away with the always glasses thing and got contacts.
i felt my best fashion moments included but were not restricted to:
dramafest, sarah's party, prom night etc.
other than that i was capable of being crap. but more to come! i am a revolutionary!

33. What kept you sane?
- the Night and the Hope i sensed from it.
i was seriously on the verge of mental breakdowns on those helpless A level nights.
but also the pple that i live for, including myself.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
- Ashlee Simpson duh.
but kudos to Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake, Xtina Aguilera for their super comebacks.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
- Russia!

36. Who did you miss?
- So many people. Sigh. Still do.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
- Rating pple = disgusting.
plus who's really new?
some juniors, some teachers
but if i had to choose i would say Ms Lo for her big heart.
p.s. i hope i didnt forget anyone. does ryan star count? i met himmm!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
- Everything happens for a reason.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
- "Forever young, I wanna be, forever young" -Alphaville

yuletide

2006-12-29T13:52:00.000-08:00

the amazing things ive been up to this Yuletide season! and i have really the people to thank...so all friends' names are in bold! tribute. tree bewt.

listening to the version of She's The One that Snee sent via msn. one of my personal paradoxes, unsolvable as yet, is that while i recognize amazing local talent, i always hesitate in supporting them. this applies to corrine may, electrico etc. even genie zomg. (haha i think only Nash will know who on earth genie is) if you dont know what im talking about, visit http://genie.sg she was performing at plaza sing on xmas eve- despite her dubious talent i must applaud her for the charitable heart that resides somewhere beneath all that commercialized crap. you see? sceptical me strikes again. but yes, other than stef sun, parking lot pimp, corrine may...i dont really know who else is worth idolizing. but i speak from ignorance- somebody expose me now!

Uni Apps has got to be the most trying experience of one's life. get through the Essays and the mandatory period of writer's block, which totally gets to you and freaks your balls out, you can probably get thru childbirth, ns, death, whatever. damn why am i being so bloody insensitive. joking i assure you! forgive me, but did i mention the clock reads 6.02am? and yes the sun is rising...i can almost hear the koel (ms kelly!) and no i did not choose to wake up early for my morning jog- smthing which shld commence pretty soon. no, i was up with the essays that's how sucky it is. but i guess it's something that i chose- i cldve very well not got my hands all itchy and kept my paws off apps, but i succumbed to the temptation of getting accepted early to god-knows-where. and so here i am. wasting away before the computer, day and night, trying to speed up my progress (not happening) so that 2006 can end on a celebratory note. i have a feeling tho, that my first second of 2007 will be spent editing essays (which explains why i am blogging at this time, lest i dont get to before 2006 ends) it sucks to be me u got that right...at last!

ah but can i say i really regret this? nah i guess not. the past week ever since returning from turkey has been great to me. or rather- the people. thanks to them, it was a pretty eventful orgy of outings to town- which explains my last minute dash to the finish now! but im not complaining. actually i am- but there's only me myself and i to blame. but i think this past week has taught me that you can have a life here at home, even when the rain keeps pouring, and the sun dont shine. there's just so much to do aint there!

on Wed, 20 Dec, bumped into Sarah online and what began as an ordinary "hey how are you" convo became a spontaneous outing to borders! haha. borders btw, the most cunning monster american store cuz they keep sending out lucrative coupons that actually only serve to swindle more money out of you, but you fall for it anyway...willingly...at least, that's me. so anw met her there in the evening (was late as usual) and we bumped into Trix! In my excitement, decided to take a photo with her but got warned by borders woman that you cant take photos in store. how ridiculous. the audacity! but anw...thanks to trix and sarah...i finished chalking up $150 and earned my xmas 10% card- which i didnt get to use- but was a thrill earning anw. anw we decided that the 3 for 2 cds deal was too good to pass on and went ahead with it. sarah got damien rice's 9 and timberlake's futuresexlovesounds, and i got corrine may's xmas album for nash. anw somehow we managed to trick the system and were charge on the offer price, not the full cd price, thereby paying a crazily low price for each cd when divided out. ahaha. cheap thrill, and i mean it in both senses of the word. mwhaha. and was telling sarah abt turkey and we felt seriously hungry- headed to far east for some turk kebab but anatolia was closed! so we settled for burger king. later on the streets i made us share a strawberry milkshake, which made sarah convinced that i was trying to plump her up haha. the insecurities of girls- beware all. anw it was a nice walk arnd town- my first time soaking in the xmas decos at night given i was in turkey before that. it really didnt look so tacky at night, after all. not bad. i like the xmas tree fountains...too bad we didnt take a photo. anw after spotting the helen the baby fox dvd at borders and learning that i bought it on impulse, sarah suggested coming over to watch it. and so we did! in the end we didnt finish the movie (a nice one btw, touching and the fox is totally huggable and adorable- good for fur coats and carpets!- again i exercise poor humour. shut up) until it was almost 4am. watched a little bit of tv and contemplated having sarah stay over cuz of the rain. btw my parents werent home that night, which explains the relative freedom i had in bringing guests over at wee hours of the morning. anw being the fine gentleman that i am i escorted ms smith back to pine grove- after climbing my own back gate how sad haha- but i must say the walk in the rain was one walk to rmbr...it had all the potential for a romantic scene haha but dont go thinking silly thoughts. so it was one fruitful night, of doing nothing really in particular, but yet in good company, which i appreciated very much. so really, thanks sarah!

below: Sarah the Santarina, and lo and behold, Me, for once, as fat as Santa baby

after Trying to start with essays on thursday i gave in to temptation again and made my second trip down to borders in a bid to make better use of my coupons! this time i had Russell! my borders buddy, for company and the irony of it was that we ended up spending the least time at borders, meeting at HMV before that, and then trooping to subway for a footlong, and then continuing our quest for cd deals at sembawang and gramophone. to our dismay the only best priced cds were those with the ugly Spore Edition labels PRINTED dismally on the front cover, and the sleeves significantly thinner- i swear if they keep that up music prices will either drop first or pple will start boycotting. ok somebody good at econs help me out here but u get the drift! and the cheapest i can get my Razorlight dvd+cd set is 29.95 at gramophone, so i guess im going there soon cuz my dad gave me cd money! whee! a stop over at topman saw me blowing close to $50 bucks, but my excuse being it was a late night discount purchase!...we both got a polo tee each, which i cant wait to wear but it'll have to wait till CNY. happy with our purchases we then moved our sore asses off to borders...anw russell tried helping me by showing me some sample essay books but what found most delightful was the dr suess book, oh the places you'll go! that he also dug up from some shelf in the children's section. smthing abt that message of that book clearly resonated with where we all are- the point of waiting, the turn before the city of dreams, and yes, who knows where we'll go, and where we'll end up....well the night ended at midnight when borders had to close and we did the same parting at the same spot after crossing the road- that feeling of deja vu comes easily after you have many coincidental encounters at the same place.

haha my dad just came in, looked at the spoilt clock and asked me to sleep cuz we have a lunch later. then i asked him what time he thought it was and he said 2 smthing. hahahaha. when i told him it was past 6 i think he almost fainted. hmm ok fainted aint the right word cuz my dad dont faint. but u knoww. how funny. ahh i really do adore my family. they do the darnest things sometimes...did i tell you my sis has this tee which says Nice Lungs? no prizes for guessing Where the words are.

ok continuing with this post 12 hrs later, its 7.11pm now! how time truly flies! anw my keyboard was freaking me out by going into spams such as this: ggggggggggggggg (times a million) so i shut down the com just in case it blew before i submit my uni apps. tsk tsk technology (argh gp noooo!)

alright so where were we? oh yes after borders with russ...had minimal sleep before waking up the next day to rush off to the national museum to meet Gawin and Sarah again! so anw we were All Late how Typical but you know how things are...it kinda saved my sorry non-punctual ass...but yeah gawin was nice enough to show us around, and i cld tell he was very proud of his job, which he shld be! anw the museum is really nice! and tons to learn...we didnt even finish the history gallery (copious amounts of info i almost collapsed with the inundation of it all) so we're planning to go back again. this time with Shib! and anyone's welcome to join us esp if youre a roadrunner! all this planning was impromptu i assure you and not designed to exclude...but to include!

below: Gawin and Sarah at the stamford office...stealing food!after that i accompanied sarah to touch up her pedicure and to her horror walking out in orchard was the ultimate post-pedicure disaster- people all around, threatening to trample on Big Black Toe. ahh sarah and her misfortune with toes. one with the nail ripped off...who knows what will happen next?! touch wood

anw we went to borders (Yes my 3rd time there in 4 days! argh i told u its evil) and pooled together some book purchases and got 40% off... i got alan's bday-cum-xmas present there. anw it sorta ended on a not so nice note but i think xmas made it all better. sarah had to dash off Very late to a party and it was left with gawin and myself for dinner @ Pepper Lunch. it was not bad the foood, and gawin is always funny company- he and his anecdotes...

anw Sunday came and it was Xmas Eve! and the much anticipated ole friends lunch @ Sizzler's! so it was the group of us- saw Jun Yi, Alan, Nash & Jonk and i tell you seeing those pple is perpetually on top of my happy trigger list. actually met Darrenlai there on pure coincidence and what can i say. nice exchange of cards, gifts (in fact i was probably the most prepared this time round) and souvenirs and although the food sucked there was a nice salad bar with ice cream and salad and the company, as usual, more than made up for it.

below: icecream deluxe creations by yours truly (right) and goh junyi. yummy

after lunch we roamed aimlessly abt talking abt god knows what but i think the common conclusion is that jonk has lost his brains after camping it out in tekong. anw most of them cldnt stay for long and before long it was just Nash and i left at PS. how we ended up there i cant rmbr but anw we saw plenty of random stuff like genie singing, a mum scolding her daughter which reminded nash of his brave orchid etc. oh and nash bought some nice nike shoes at some super discount rate! now i need new shoes i yearrn for them. hmmm chinese new year shopping saves the day! anw town was jam-packed believe me...had macs for dinner after much difficulty finding a seat. by then i was Sick of orchard and what not having been there almost everyday so i was pretty happy to land home way before midnight, and cross over into xmas peacefully. (haha now i sound like im dead!)

below: supersize me! spastic i know everyone was staring

xmas was pretty uneventful but i appreciate having time with my family. and i got only one gift which was a clay aiken cd from my dad but i didnt like it at all so he gave me money to get one myself. haha. i feel bad. then before i knew it...boxing day! Xmas @ Xtine's! almost the whole class was there and it was just a miracle seeing everyone together. the food was not bad too. love cranberry sauce and turkeyy (the bird, this time)
secret santa was more or less a success! got Snee a Johnny Depp book, and being the nice gal she is she got me smthing too! a ripcurl belt and of course the magic banana boxers shared with JunYi...thanks guys! Shu-mini was my sanatarina and she got me a very nice topman blue tee! thanks shu-mini! when pple started dispersing it was pretty sad but i know im gonna see those guys again. kbox iceskating badminton mind cafe outings are all in the planning alrdy! woo hoo!

below: ramu snee daryl zhifeng yeeler glen trix navjote angie shu-min elly pek xtine huanna jean me joy!

anw my phonecall to Joy gohmah to invite her to Death Note 2 resulted in a 3 hr long convo in the wee hours of the morning. but it's always nice to do that sometimes. you get to hear the heartbeat of that person you know? sigh. anw met up with Shu-mini and Snee for dinner the next day at Nooch paragon and it was really cute how sinying turned up in her thai express uniform. anw the two sisters headed off for some Sexercise, as snee calls it, and shu-mini the death note queen accompanied me to Death Note 2! a well plotted and fine movie with characters that i aspire to be...L! haha. identity crisis is me. but the surprising thing is that i dont even think im even Half as Weird. i think im gonna get the dvds! go watch everyone!

last in my line up of appointments was 6h2000 nhps gathering @ swensen's holland v! not everyone turned up of course, but it was a start. great to see old faces again and i think all of them are turning into splendid pple. i wish i had more time with them, but after some post-dinner awkward shuffling outside hogsbreath, which we did not enter, the bunch headed to BK for some unhealthy zhongjimima- nice game for bonding- and it was pretty much goodbye thereafter. i think it was ziing xtine liheng terence and i...lingered on and went to eskibar for some Graveyard experience and it was yucks to the core- Don't try it! but very nice to just chill (eheh no pun intended) with them and i think we owe each other another outing...this time at hogsbreath on ziing's 25%!

below: the swensen's giant earthquake and people i will never forget

and Thus i am officially Broke! but it was one hell of week, and one heaven of a 2006.
to better times, good tidings, and love laughter peace joy happiness and health, and before this gets all cheesy- happy new year to all! see you soon...in 2007!

the tantrum

2006-12-29T10:13:00.000-08:00

fergalicious

2006-12-25T10:34:00.000-08:00

Skinny and Sexy
Raw score: 33% Big Breasts, 27% Big Ass, and 56% Cute!

Thanks for taking the T and A and C test! Based on your selections, the results are clear: you show an attraction to smaller breasts, smaller asses, and sexier composure than others who've taken the test.

Note that you scored low on both breast and ass size. This means you appreciate thinner, harder bodies. You are most likely to appreciate a super-model. Relatively, you are less attracted to round, soft, sloppy women.

My third variable, "cuteness" is a mostly objective measure of how innocent a given model looked. It's determined by a combination of a lot of factors: lack of dark eye makeup, facial expression, posture, etc. If you scored high on that variable, you are either really nice OR you're into deflowering teens. If you scored low, you are attracted to raunchier, sexier, women. In your case, your lower than average score suggests you appreciate a sluttier look. Kudos!

Recommended Celebrities: Kate Moss and Kate Moss, but 'em post-coke-binge for a cheaper date.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on tit-size

You scored higher than 99% on ass-size

You scored higher than 99% on cuteness

Link: The Tits, Ass, and Cuteness Test written by chicken_pot_pie on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

turkiye

2006-12-24T06:15:00.000-08:00

hello obligatory post-trip post!

i have been having this vision of me walking towards a crowd of people- people who ignore me.
suddenly, the x-men cartoon music swells in the background and my eyes turn white and some wind carries me up above everyone else.
this time, they notice me.
too late.

maybe it's time we start paying attention to the invisible.

but back on point- TURKEY was fun!

it was a magic ride throughout the countryside, the city and a totally different landscape and place in time. ive learnt so much over the past week and it was totally worth it, despite my initial reservations about turkey. now i just miss it. i miss everything about it. and i mean everything.

i guess im too lazy to do a running commentary on the day to day happenings- but i'll just cover some fascinating things i got to experience. i hope i can recall them cuz i wanna rmbr them forever. but here goes- the highlights!

1) visited the ancient city ruins of Ephesus!
pretty amazing sight to behold. library of celsus, the statues and architecture, marble pavements and wrecked pillars, the occasional stray cat prancing amongst the rubble, the statue of nike, the humoungous theatre with crazy acoustics, the communal toilet, statue of artemis, carvings of hercules, medusa, the amazons etc.
it was a beige and brown day that day- but nevertheless scenic and breathtaking. i felt transported back in time- and i could almost envision ephesus at the peak of its civilization.

2) necropolis and pamukkale!
necropolis or the city of the dead with all its tombs and formidable marble coffins- very reminscent of the sepulchral city of brussels, except this was in your face and the real deal! no metaphorical wishwash.
the walk through the grim darkness of the hierapolis cemetery led to an enchanting view of the cotton castle, or pamukkale. limestone terraces known as travertines that were filled with pools of water and so white and pure it was like cotton. we had a chance to walk down the hill- barefoot in the chilling cold- which the water didnt help. it was excruciating foot reflexology but a hundred times better. a sense of immense accomplishment overcame me and a lot of us when the walk was done. we were lucky to have a warm pool at the bottom of it all, and thus a spa moment that was pure indulgence.

ok im continuing this some time later. it's xmas now. sigh.

3) hot air balloon over cappadocia!
around cappadocia in one hour! birds eye view of the fairy castles amazing formations which the balloon pilot/guide described rather aptly as "incredible"- although he kept repeating the same word to try to excite us and we realized that he probably does this to each tour group that goes up each day. a breathtaking once in a lifetime experience- i dont suppose i'll do it again cuz its super exxx. unless i have to get married on it or smthing. hahaha. pshaw!

4) mosques and churches
turkey is like the one place with plenty of mosques all around. i see minrets splatter every city and village and town and the prayer song comes on each morning. but it was a very calming influence, and learning more abt other religions and cultures was really enriching and it made me feel just a little less smaller in a world that is so huge and so crazily divided.
architecture wise- amazing! blue mosque was simply awe-inspiring and u must be there to experience the intricately lined tiles and the carefully balanced domes and calligraphy. even the carpets were exquisite to say the least! so it was everything look see and go out perhaps a little more less ignorant in that respect.
open air museum saw us having a great view of the fairy castles and we got to see stuff like the apple church and other churches which had unbelievably beautiful paintings of the bible and all inside the walls, ceilings, everything- u walk in and ure surrounded by a holy silence that is also an echo of history.
hagia sophia of istanbul, one of the largest churches in the world, except that while it was once a church it was also once a mosque, and now a museum. so u see how the two religions blended into one magnificent goliathe of a monument. saw the biggest wooden calligraphy and mosaic tiles and paintings- and u know what- i had time to appreciate them all! soak it all in! thats why i love holidays. the time is yours to spend.

5) across the bosphorus
the sea between the asian and the european sides of turkey, connected by the long bosphorus bridge. windy cruise to nowhere but to a realm of knowledge and understanding of the pple's daily life and the reminder of turkey's special position as a eurasian country seeking entry in to the EU- or why it cannot possibly do so for so many reasons. one of the slow parts of the trip but a must have.

6) belly dancing and the whirling dirvishes!
both completely new to me- as in my first time watching and i was impresssed. we actually saw Asena perform at kevaransaray- she's the best modern belly dancer in turkey btw- and plenty of photos to prove that bumpy encounter :]
on a totally diff scale the whirling dirvishes, a much more sacred mode of dance in trance which humbled me very much and inspired me at the same time with a calm and soothing after effect that made me love turkey even more.

and the above big points do not do my trip any justice because i am just describing with my limited vocabulary and modes of expression. i have not managed to capture the rich history of the place that i have learnt during my one week plus stay there. i have not managed to chronicle every sight and sound that amazed me at first but i grew used to eventually and hence now there seems to be nothing more to write about. but let's just say im so tireedddd now and u really have to experience it for yourselfff.
turkey is such an amazing country. i never knew it was so big and bursting with culture and historical links. for all my memories and goodtimes spent there, i will rmbr all of the above, together with ankara and the ataturk museum/mausoleum and the guards who stand in transparent boxes, topkapi palace- ourfirst stop with lotsa plates and weapons and startlingly lavish ornaments and garments and thrones and furniture and what not from the ottoman ages and the time of the sultans which remains very much in the hearts of many there. i also wont forget the turkish delight tasted, the random cats and dogs that followed us wherever we went, the delicious kebab we atee, the super sweeeet dessserts trust me i dont just mean turkish delight sweet- even sweeter and soaking in syrup sometimes, the bustle of the roads without rules, the smoking, more smoking, and endless smoking that meant shopping malls had no dustbins but instead only ashtray bins.

ohhh and the spice bazaar which was way better than the grand bazaaar, but both capturing the rich essence of turkey's clever artisans and those behind the food and homes. colourful plates, gaudy or tasty. evil eyes abound- protecting us, but also watching, almost knowingly. carpets flying carpets silk cotton on cotton silk on cotton wool changeable taffeta. cheap beer. cheap water but undrinkable tap water. the thousands of spices and nuts and hazelnuts in particular and bright chunks of apricots and meat kebab stands which cry out have a bite eat me eat me nowww. and then the numerous signs of which i could understand NONE, except the pictorial ones and those that read Bay and Bayan and WC- the toilets! and so much so much more! words fail me, very willingly.

and i bought fun stuff. nasreddin hodja's statue's one of my favourite- what a funny guy- riding on the mule facing the back. oh the folklore. and that jester hat and turkey tshirt and white leather belt and the arab hat and books such as orhan pamuk's istanbul (nobel prize for literature 2006 ok dont play play a turk mind you!) and some other stuff icant rmbr now.

oh did i mention turkish tea? i felt i was drunk on a new culture for one week, and quite happily so. the underground city where they hid frm mongolians and formed an underground labryinth that defied the odds of survival. my attempt at pot making- miserablee but fun. and of course meeing my extended family there was most wonderful. but this aint a family blog, at least not yet. so more on that another time, another place. but can i just say my cousin's son is the cutest thingg everrr? ok said it.

and then before i knew it i was in dubai again and it was the return journey to rainy gloomy monsoon singapore.

well, i was lucky enough to catch the following movies on SIA:
singapore dreaming
the night listener
little miss sunshine
scoop
the illusionist
beat the drum

and i also caught some shows on the hotel tvs which reminded me home was just 6 hours away:
one tree hill
nip/tuck
smallville
various music videos on planet viva!

ahh well. those were the days. im glad my dad took a video of the trip, so my memories of it wont be just still photos- although they would suffice. but i miss.

thank you turkey. apart from the lack of the correct turk alphabets- tesekkur ederim! and gule gule!

more to say on post-trip outings with friends, but later- im absolutely drained.
i shall now boldly attempt my first slumber before 6am since i got back from turkey. good morningg. and merry christmas!

YoJo

2006-12-21T12:17:00.000-08:00

So i mean i do the internet-ego thing and see how popular i am right. (no not google- been there done that)
and after finding out that my name is the company label for some cheem nutritional techonlogy chemistry organization in korea, i tried a variation and what a fuzzy surprise!

Presenting to you...YoJo!

Hahaha. Ok the following in blue is taken from the website, which you should ALL visit for some nice childhood pleasure: www.yojo.com

This big, blue, wild and groovy creature called YoJo is essentially a seven-foot living cartoon character and was created to perform motivational and educational comedy shows for large groups of children such as elementary schools, festivals or malls.

YoJo is definitely not your simple theme-park character. His personality is MUCH more athletic, animated, and comical. His style of "cartoon personification" is very similar to what a skilled sports mascot performer aims to accomplish. However, YoJo is not a sideshow act at a ballpark ... YoJo is the show! With the help of additional talent and the use of new technologies for sound effects and music, great possibilities arise for hilarious entertainment. We strongly believe that YoJo's unique style of performing is vaudevillian style comedy for the 21st century.

What exactly is YoJo anyway?

Hmmm ... we're not too sure about that one ourselves. YoJo isn't any type of particular animal. He's basically a fuzzy, sometimes clumsy, overgrown kid who's very energetic and animated. To our knowledge, the word "YoJo" does not mean anything in any language, but we did discover recently that there is a important wooden sculpture called YoJo which is in the literary classic Moby Dick.

HAhahahaha i absolutely CANNOT contain my excitement! you know those parts in bold indicate YoJo the monster aint so different from me after all. :]
alright another thing to do on my lifelong list. i need to catch a YoJo show someday. and get a YoJo t-shirt. YoJo is my new favourite monster. he looks like cookie monster, has the cookie monster figure and colour, stole a little fur from oscar the grouch on the brow, and has a crop just like snuffles the elephant! is that his name anw? snuffles? big bird's best friend. ahhahaha

ok yay so i'm a kid again. not that you didnt know that before anw. what a cheerful way to end my night. ok goodnight. more on my past week soon.

p.s. if you want a YoJo t-shirt, pls tell me! i plan to ship it in but can waive shipping charges if it's in bulk. so yeah take a look! (and im serious dude)

midnight in manhattan

2006-12-06T09:38:00.000-08:00

It's a miracle, a true blue spectacle that I didn't fall sick.
This, despite staying up the entire night with the class after Midnight in Manhattan without sleep and my nose and eyes protesting with mucus and tears.

But there was only one reason why I didnt decide to call it an early night and go home to recuperate. After all, it was the last night. The night of nights, as some might put it...

In typical me-fashion it was already 6 oclock but nonetheless I found myself still at home, stuck in front of the mirror trying to figure out how the J's salon hairstylist waxed my hair just the day before. By that time it was pouring outside and my plans to take an MRT and save cost was completely wrecked considering MRT = getting suit and hair and sickness-prone body drenched by the rain. Anw my mom ended up calling a cab for me and so minutes later I found myself staring dumbly out at the world-in-shorts-and-slippers while drops of h20 rolled down the backseat window and formed liquid cobwebs. OH the temporal nature of them all. In that moment, as with many moments before, I resolved to make it an unforgettable night. To just give it my all and let go and, well, enjoy. I swallowed my saliva in anticipation and I swear I cldve cursed that numb feeling of a future sorethroat that surfaced within the throbbing walls of my larynx. Or do I mean trachea? Oh screw it. The throat lah.

Anw long story cut short, (since I'm finding this eloquent style a tad trying), I arrived there abt 7 oclock, at which point my bladder was bursting and my cam memory card still full of images from one year ago- the US trip with the historians. I walked back into the place that I was in just one day ago at the SPH scholarship talk (and memories of all those Singapore lectures inevitably flooded back in my mind as well- again, the night of nights- to remember and never forget) saw lotsa pple alrdy there, all glammed up, getting a headstart in camwhoring and exchanging appreciative glances. Nobody noticed me ok. haha. No lah, at first. Or maybe I didnt notice anyone because I was looking for only one thing- the toilet, which I found. I walked past pple whom I thought I would eventually take a photo with later, but really didnt get the chance to in the end (which proves holding back does NOT pay). Anw after my camera took super long to erase all 600+ of US photos Part 1, I was officially in camwhore mode man. Started grabbing lotsa pple I could find and I guess the phototaking was smthing that lasted throughout the entire night. In a way I regret that it almost became a photofest rather than a grad dinner, but I know that if I didnt have those photos I would really slam my head into the wall.

The girls, I tell you- unrecognizable- at least half of them. Haha. But in a pleasant way, of course, well, mostly :] But it's really amazing what prom does to pple. (Or rather what pple do to themselves for prom- ah!) It was really nice seeing everyone dressed in their best, or even quirkiest, even the guys although all of us almost looked the same (esp with the what, striped shirt craze and what have you). But for the most part, it was just nice seeing everyone- take away the clothes for all I care. Behind the colour of the clothes I smiled at the colour that came from the people. Their personalities shining through ever the same as when I first laid my eyes on them, be it in Nan Hua, RI, RJ- whenever, wherever. It was a warm fuzzy night- and from the way the programme started way late, and how Mr Vadi had a hard time getting everyone to settle down, you could tell we all knew that it was really the night of nights. Ok im getting very repetitive- but you know....

Anw the food was an 8 course chinese meal, which is always satisfying except that the waiters chose to ignore our table at the start and gave us drinks only when our mouths were cracking from oral drought. Golly. It was funny how as the evening went on there were only like 3 pple at the table at any one point of time, cuz everyone was busy accosting familiar faces across the ballroom. But it was an evening worth remembering for sure. I felt completely at home with the crowd, the endless blinding flashes, and of course the onstage entertainment wasnt bad at all. Mr Vadi did a good job being funny and lightening the mood of the night. It was nice seeing the usual pple sing for us, dance for us, perhaps for the last time in such a setting for such a crowd, and lucky draw was exciting although I didnt win (grumble). Revision: all on our table didnt win! What a biased night of nominations too. BUT with that said, it really captured the essence of JC life rather well. How cool was Mr Shah and Mr Siva's guest appearance anw! Woohooo! I felt crazy and almost certain I was in some concert when we went up to the front and did the groupie thingg. Wow, I dont know what else to say!

Special thanks I guess to Liyana for her very shweet card that made me feel special- she does that a lot- aww man. Also to Jo for her spring toy she gave me- I still dunno why but thanks anw! Oh one sad thing was a lotta pple either 1) thought I was colour blind 2) thought I was trying to be funny and weird by wearing a yellow tie, but at the same time failing to realize it was a banana! haha. So anw it has to be said so that my reputation wont be like ruined or anything. On another note I regret not taking photos with a lotta pple- Ms Lui, Aysuria, Sooky, Manyan, Sherman, Liyi etc.- but for those whom I did manage to churn out a photo with (out of my 167- though i was expecting 200 at least!), thank you! And if youre reading this but I didnt see you last night sorry but there was just too many pple. I really tried! But we must meet up to immortalize our friendship on cam someday!

And I guess sometimes words can only do so much. Here's to some of the many faces that have made my school life so complete. These pictures each have their own history, and I will certainly cherish them forever:

<<>. Yalps Oh what a cute couple. i pronounce thee man and wife! I like being a lamp-post, as you will see, haha. I shamelessly did the same thing with Alan/XX, Dani/Ryan, Hulin/Shuting etc. Whee

The one and only A01A- We Want Breakfast! >>
In the photo we have trix, huanna, zhifeng, nav, cc, shums, jean, daryl, ramu, joy, snee, xtine, shirin, ms lui, angee, yeeler, hanyi, sam jo, glen & mr kwok!

Highlights of the night include angee's self-designed dress (or so i heard) and of course glen's must see $1600 armani suit! phew!

<< Moor Tarbet House Comm! Where's James?! Haha and ajit and glen and beli and jerry and ms chen! Well it was the best we could get after so many other confusing announcements that were "very important" according to the DJ music guy. and a long delay. But yay!

Red Hot and champions in so many other ways. Dani = stunning and Dennet = juggler who can recite Pi. 3.14159265...

The one and only 3D 03/ 4D 04! >>
Well the remnants of a disinherited race i suppose haha.
Just so happened that all 6 of us happened to meet right smack in the middle of the crowd so it was like ok now or never lah.

Thanks for all the memories from Arts @ TheAtrium to Ryan Cow to TPH etc. etc. Unforgettable class no doubt.

<< Raffles Players

ahh what can I say. Again incomplete but sigh.
For me Le Nick = best dressed guy in Manhattan.

RP- Given me so much to even speak of.
Thanks for all the memories, plays and productions and late nights and rehearsals and laughter and tears and crazy rollercoaster headbanging and you know what?
The show must go on. And it will...

Liyana and Candice! >>>
Two of the many girls I have had the honour of fraternizing with haha. JC life!

Well this is one of the "full coverage" shots I requested and candice tried to eat my banana while liyana tried (unsuccessfully) to convince me that her curly mane wasnt a wig. Mwhaha.

an extension of the RP family no doubt I will miss you guys very muchly. Thanks Liy for the card once again. Away with mediocrity we say!

<<>Stef you might wanna know that when my mom saw ur picture- she said: "Wow this one looks like model" Okay your head is exploding now right? Anw this photo shall rep 1B for me. Haha thanks for being such great room neighbours. Really great crowd. Haha and I personally digged Keng Seng's white jacket, very good taste and smthing I wldve done if i had the chance to buy my own. Ajit, Weiqi did the same with the coats I believe. Nice!

This pic for the perverse fact that Shebarhnee looks like she aint wearin no clothes! Nude! Gasp!
Haha. But you know smthing? One of the nicest pple ive met in JC. Along with Ms Nice girl Snee of course. Thanks shib for marshmallow and other memories.

One of my fav photos cuz Xtine looks like some actress from the Aviator movie and we look very happy in the photo haha.

Anw Xtine goes back a long way in my memory and as of now we are trying to plan a nhps 6h gathering along with some others. Hope that works out.

The individual tributes shld end here, but you must know I have so many more of you in MY HEART i swear.

Anyway although most of the population scooted off to Club Momo, most of class eventually convened and did our own breakfast thing! As expected we spent close to an hour waiting for everyone and then deciding on where to go. But it was worth the wait I suppose. We scooted down to a place called Forbidden City which was really freaky cuz I looked up and found myself surrounded by terracotta warriors all of a sudden. Anw that wretched place didnt wanna give us a decent table-for-10 so we deserted it and left for Kandi Bar! There it was really avant garde (using this phrase a lot i know)- from the red plastic futuristic chairs to the blinking rainbow lights below the see-through squared floorings and the red hot chilli shaped bulbs that glittered above us like crimson roman candles to the cushioned walls made of olive green crocodile soft toys tiled together.

And then there were the tables that were good for sleeping- totally cushion material, furry and with zebra skin patterns on them. Whoa! the ambience was fantastic except for the piece of shit (literally) we saw ensconced on the toilet bowl seat in the gents. I got me-self a Seabreeze! which is a dennis finch classic favourite for the Just Shoot Me fans. haha. Not bad at all. some others had lychee martinis and mai tais etc. anw the silly woman forgot snee's glen's and my orders so we had to wait longer. Second oral drought of the night.

Left the place rather happy and Trix and Huanna unfortunately decided home was for them. quite late by then alrdy. Anw Elly came out to join us so by that time she was alrdy really quite hungry. So we went to Newton food centre! (memories of Roadrunners nights) Glen also went home but not before giving some of us a lift to newton while the rest cabbed. Thanks to U-Glen and U-Gene. haha how cool. Anw snippets of the night will always remain in my mind.

Joy CC Glen Ramu Jean and I waiting for U-Gene and walking some distance before singing Vitamin C's grad song with our arms around each other in the dead silence of the night, by the road- by that time i was hardly balancing on my own cuz of fatigue and cuz my nose was making me feel like a zombie. sniff.

Later we met up with the rest and realized Xtine's gang was at newton too. Around one table the few of us, later joined by Kopi from momo (haha he sounds like some creature now), played Zhong Ji Mi Ma cum Truth or Dare. Very strangely, as it was a night of Strange things- given i didnt win lucky draw (congrats jonK btw)- I was the first one to get hit and had to endure this yucky spoonful of cold hokkien mee with papaya juice. disgusting. but soon everyone eased into it, althought lethargy got the better of us. Anw that game saw pple like Hanyi (777) having to go gay, Zhifeng having to describe his ideal date (with much difficulty), Elly and Joy singing the national anthem out loud when the radio played it at 6am, Daryl doing a banana dance/song with yours truly, Snee strip searching CC, Ramu speaking tamil and trying to get the fans turned on, and bla bla bla etc etc.

I guess at the end of it all we were mostly stoned, but zhifeng's strict body clock insisted that sunrise = wake up time. So while jean and i left for home to recuperate and salvage damage done to our bodies over night, the rest continued to far east plaza for some breakfast. (crazy pple eating all the time!) what happened there I wish i knew, but my journey with grad night ended then- some 12 hrs after I set off from home the day before.

I reached home arnd 7am tearing like crap and sneezing like the earth was going to swallow me. I felt absolutely miserable. Blew my nose a few times, drank warm water, changed into pjs, jumped straight into bed w/o bathing and snoozed all the way till 5pm. I woke up then, feeling a little more than empty. Part of me couldnt believe it was over. I really wished at some point that it was all a dream- that I could now wake up a relive it all over again. But well, things come and go. And we had our time. I sit here thankful for all the good times, even the bad, for I've grown into a new person and gotten to know so much more. I guess I really dont know what else I couldve asked for. And everything happens for a reason.

One day I will look back and understand it all. For now the memories float around in my head and lift me up in a chaotic euphoria that is yesterday's delight and history's plaything. I am still living with the pple i know, breathing in their contagious eccentricities and feeling nothing but wordly love and affection for all of them. All of YOU.

I go to sleep now contented. There is nothing but sincerity in me when I say i hope i will meet all of you again in the future. For now, let me go to sleep and dream of the times both gone and to come, and then I will wake up, hopefully better in the nose, complete my damn essays, and fly off on friday to more than one week of freedom and ease. And finally, something that's truly befitting of the word Holiday. But that's all one. Have fun!

I will remember you, will you remember me?

Grad Night Accounts:
1) Clothes
- Shoes $79
- Shirt $70

2) Cab Fares
- To Manhattan (Mwhaha) $12.20
- To Newton $1
- To Home $7.40

3) Food & Beverages
- Seabreeze @ Kandi Bar $12 +1
- Newton: Tea with Milk $1 (x2)
- Newton: Tea w/o Milk $0.80
- Newton: Pork Noodles Soup $4

4) Others
- Grad Nite DVD $6

TOTAL Expenditure = $195.40

rock steady

2006-12-03T08:07:00.000-08:00

I got my bags packed baby and I'm ready to go
Look at my eyes rock steady and I'll promise you more
I got my heart back baby and it's skippin a beat
I got my ass in check (check) and now I'm ready to be

i distinctly remember having been more excited for the Os. but i guess six years on and ive become jaded or smthing. but here goes: IT's OVER! like- really. totally.
extremely belated- but better late than never. i actually cant tell if it has really sunk in yet. i get those nightmares telling me that i turn up for papers late, unprepared and what not.
maybe im just insecure- at the back of my mind i hear a voice chastising me for not putting in my best and all. the sense of relief this time just doesnt match up that of 19 nov 2004.

which makes it one hell of an anticlimax. and i dont like it at all!
i mean come on almost one whole month, plus the studying that makes it more than a month, and all i feel is a patronizing relief coupled with a tinge of emptiness. maybe because there are no more honeymoon periods after this. i cant be sure of seeing the same old pple around anymore. everything's threatening to change. and change will come, sooner or later. it will come take away all that's familiar and comfortable. it will leave me with mere wisps of memories, which grow weaker in strength and flavour over time. and boy do we know how time doesnt relent. she flies like the wind and here i am, two years from being sixteen and thinking when the hell did all that happen? i sit here not knowing what to think of my past two years. great years, no doubt. and i have less regrets, which is a plus! but it's time for a new round of goodbyes. this time, perhaps for good.

been moping around at home, sitting on my ass all day, waking up in the evenings, just in time for dinner, and wondering what lies ahead of me. i actually know what i have to do. i needa be proactive and turn my life around. prepare myself for whatever might come next. i have all the time now. but i dont seem to be using it well. i am bored. and that's saying a lot. i dont wanna lapse into atrophy again. become this stagnant pool of mash potatoes. well, figuratively. ok now im craving more mash potatoes. in fact im craving for lotsa stuff. im craving for more time with the family (well, there's always my trip next week), more time with friends (oh when will i see you again?), more time alone (doing better stuff), more chances to be myself and just shout out to the world how im loving it. earth's the right place for love. and there's no more pathless wood. it's a clear way ahead for me. but im revolving on the spot. afraid to take another move. i do i know not what. and then you know what im gonna do. im gonna leave it up to fate. which is what i do a lot. sometimes. but then i dont know where to draw the line. when do i start to take control. and when do i just lay back and float on air?

anw. since this ought to be some sort of update on my life. these are some of the stuff ive been up to.

1) the As
this is the biggie. what a nightmare. a never ending sleep. but now that i am wide awake, i can finally be! it was a hectic month. and temptations all around oh i swear. it took all the discipline i could possibly muster. no tv. i cheated wrt the com. but it was for checking email. well, mostly. anw when my parents ask me how each paper went, my reply remained constant: OK. partly because i couldnt bring myself to say anything else. didnt wanna jinx it. you see if i said GOOD, it wldnt really have applied to ANY paper, and i didnt wanna get my/their hopes up. and if i said BAD, i wld be admitting that i screwed up and my parents wld worry and then i wldve just doomed myself to a bad grade and extinguished hope. i believe one must always leave room for hope. it keeps us holding on. it does. but, as i was saying, before Truth interrupted me, also partly because the papers were really OK and there's really no intelligent way of telling how you did. you only go by that gut feeling, which is as opal as say changeable taffeta. and im not the one to stay behind and waste my life away aggressively discussing the questions and announcing that oh i can get A for this and that- well that's just not me. maybe im scared but sometimes it be that way.

honestly, and ironically, math was not the worst. econs came close, hist too with paper 3 esp, and lit was the big disappointment. but i will conveniently avoid talking abt them specifically. let's just say that im hoping for the best- that's all i can do, and all i will do. getting back the papers was extremely disgusting. in the first place the whole idea of collecting them does not make sense. extra. and then putting them in messy piles and mixing them up? some dont even make it to the paper piles. invigilators siphonning off with them or smthing. but oh it's all one. i will look back years from now and have one expression- a smile. i sure hope it's a boy-did-i-get-away-with-it-again smile. but we shall see. i really dont harbour any more high hopes. i dont expect anything. really. lowered my expectations and all- because i felt that attempts this time were not topnotch. i was always faltering and tripping along the way- how i picked myself up each time i dont know. but i made it through and that's what counts. i tried. i really did.

here i guess i shld thank the teachers for all the amazing stuff they've taught us over the mere two years. so much ive learnt. i think it was snee who agreed that she wldnt have had it any other way. humanz- the way to go man. but then i might get flagged for being elitist by some pink sod shite who goes by the phony name of angelique the pig who has nothing better to do but to pry into pple's private blogs- so i shall just return to my point and express appreciation and love for mr mcconnell, mrs perry, mr reeves, mr rolly, mr kwok, ms joanne lui, ms elaine lo, and even mrs jai singh :] id hate to disappoint any of them.

then i have to thank denise and her mum for sending the pandan valley kids to and fro- thanks for the comfort and time saved and just the kind gesture. michelle and brenda too for sharing the pv solidarity and being great pple to talk to after exams.

and i have to thank my dad for always being there for the morning and afternoon papers sometimes- taking me out for lunch and making me feel safe and confident. of course mum for all her care and concern which materialized in various ways- such as fruit juices, quarantining my sick sister, herbs, chicken soup, words of encouragement etc. this was as much a fight for them as it was a struggle for myself.

and all the random pple- i hate that i cant rmbr but u know. like stef sitting with me before hist ass. wow that was magic cuz her presence just calmed me down even tho she didnt say a thing. terenceh for that phonecall before lit (i didnt even know u took lit!). cc for frost consultation, although it didnt pay but well at least it gave me a peace of mind. ramu for the days leading up to v party. oh angie for her calculator for math!! zee and gawin and sarah and liyi and mike and jon and shaun and zhaoyu for nice smses. and ms rachel chen for the chat in the canteen a few days before lit ass, and for telling me abt the venues and saying nice words before econs essay. so many others along the way i really felt this time it was less competition and more cooperation. so good job everyone! give us the As!

and so that's the hardest exam i'll ever take. i hope. i appreciated the intellectual stimulation, i really did. but enough, no more! tis not as sweet now as it was before.

2) Channel V Party!
one of the distractions during the As. i was seriously irritated by the fact that if not for As, i cldve met Kelly Rowland, Tata Young, zoetay, taypinghui, patmok, brianrichmond etc. but NO i didnt get to cuz i had to stay home and mug. so very upset was i. anw it was the week of the horror and ch V party was on friday night. perfect night to take a break right? haha and so i did. but not before getting real lucky on 987's late night show yet again! so anw i tried my luck after failing miserably on dan and young's show and woala! got the tickets! after doing a humiliating round of singing of course. but it was a small price to pay for a smashin' nite of euphoria @ zouk. anw i cldnt concentrate during lit paper 8 due to the anticipation but after that it was seriously party mode i told myself no holding back. so there we were ( i shall skip the part abt the BAD 987 prize service). we caught vanessa fernandez (i love parking lot pimp!), the channel v VJs who were all HOT (like seriously...ouch and ooh kinda hot), the 987 djs (which were less hot save carrie chong who was rather doll-like), river maya (very very goood live! was really impressed), the almost pathetic but extremely hilarious (im sorry) lip-syncher adrienne lau from hk (whoever she is...admired her showmanship nonetheless), some weird r&b sensation who almost wore smthing like a skirt altho he was a guy, hady mirza (good singing altho i wasnt like blown away) and willow (the obese girl who went on stage, danced like she was electrocuted and won a handphone). but the star was saved for the last! not only did we watch ryan star perform, ramu was lucky enough to catch his cd when he threw a few copies into the audience, and we got his autograph, and later took a photo with him! wooohooo! up close and personal never felt that good! i mean seriously. that was probably the closest i'll ever get to rockstar supernova! one of the better memories from the prelim days. haha. so yeah. great stuff. oh we met michelle and a guy called dennis whom she picked up along the way. it was a pair of strangers both of them...but i wonder...haha! anw good night, good fun, and i was dead beat after that. cldnt study for the next few days, which really affected my papers on wednesday. all i can say is, i still tried. dont kick me in the ass pls dont!

3) Tenacious D!!!
as irony wld have it i have yet to watch the movie itself. actually hoping to catch it on SIA :]
but well yes- in case u still dont know- YES i won it!
it was a crazy ride i tell you. im looking at the guitar beside me and am filled with so much gratitude. from those who appreciated the art i did- to those who voted simply for the faith they had in me. THANKS- friends, teachers, family. no other way to put it.
i mustve spammed all on my msn list- wait in fact, i did just that. and the response was just superbly encouraging.

special thanks to those who replied via email or sms or msn:
jingheng, bencai, the vic, trini, russell, erictoh, navjote, glenc, terenceh, snee, yingsze, mdm cheah!, mrs joy lim!, ziing, joy (hyper voter), denise&michell (on phone), mike (at camp), joel, xtine (who did duty as friend), shu-min, lehui, ryans (who in turn publicized his chU stint), jasmine, yeeler (power!), miki (phony), dani, ramu (you get yours soon!), shaun, nash, junyi, zhengyi, alan, cc, ray (buddy!), ms kelly!, isaac, jean (the only non-family to have seen it), hanisah, chengliang, szxjason etc etc.
and THE FAMILY for "calling till fingers tired" and for mass emailing colleagues and friends omg extremely maluating but i guess it finally paid off as seen in the final vote tally.

i shant brag any further. but last word of thanks to ALL (oh yes jeanmarie and photographers and even pat whom i dont know) so yes talk to me about it ok or i shall never get to say thanks personally. and congrats to my cousin yelicia, alan and miki for winning the movie hamper! haha super!

i will rock with the gibson one day. but i have so many things to do i just cannot get down to learning anything- be it russian, driving, much less guitar. so one step at a time my friends. and it will be done eventually. you'll see :]

04#

so as u can see i was really distracted midway thru the As, which wld partly explain why the end didnt really feel like the end because i lapsed into holiday mood rather prematurely.

but perhaps i would just conclude the past month or so by saying that i do love my life- it has been interesting, compelling, challenging and invigorating all at once.

looking back its been a good past few days actually, on second thought, and not futile or anything.

++ ViVocity!
went to vivocity with alan jonk nash cc junyi zee. really fun time roaming abt, going to the contrived and supercold cheena foodcourt- i actually appreciated the decor very much- very 1938, to say the least. then we got messy later during dinner at carls junior. mmmmhmmmm. i LOVE the burgers and the onion rings. have to go back to get MESSY again! some of them tried to buy clothes which was mostly an empty handed affair by the end of the day but it was nice just dilly-dallying and giving opinions and doing some good ole window shopping after weeks of deprivation. omg i think that's what i am. a serial window shopper who likes to look at things again and again before not buying. haha! vivo's nice lah. i like the roof, i like the shops, the architecture's a bit goofy but that's what we need here! no more straight fit oblong concrete standard cliches. we need creativity! i think vivo has that. it was BIg, i was delirious after having not slept before the lit ass paper, so didnt really bother to coverthe whole place. but i will be back i swear! next stop- candy empire! and i need to get some new shoes cuz i crave them. i shall force myself not to get more books or dvds until i finish those at home. i have yet to touch/finish:

-books-
on beauty
atonement
oryx and crake
lady oracle
grapes of wrath
stories we cld tell
well beloved (bla bla)
edgar allen poe's compendium
time traveller's wife
anansi boys
a-z of being single
mystic river

-dvds-
mystic river
interview with vampire
big fish <3
love me if u dare
pieces of april
duets

etc. etc.

so as you can see! a whole list of things to do. and what do i do at home? i watch the tv- lord of the rings (again! but i love), shattered glass (very good movie! im gonna be a journalist now!)- and do nonsense stuff. oh well. i guess the books and dvds will always be there. hee. anw we watched open season at vivo haha! instead of happy feet thanks to alan the penguin. (pray SIA has happy feet too!) it was a, i dunno, i slept thru some of it- but i like animated stuff, except this one actually fell short of expectations. gasp! my favourite ever is still monster's inc. boo! but yeah open season rather cliche as junyi said but ridiculous enough in some parts like the bunny abuse and the melodrama dog and the silly squirrels and ducks and omg actually all those animals were funny. haha i guess i wasnt in the groove u know what i mean? but it was nice to sit down and laugh it out. oh man i need to go out again i feel deprived already. we found a supermarket trolley for giant after that. it was closed by then. but in order to earn one dollar we asked the guard to open up for us. mwhahaa. junyi and i split the dollar- finders of the trolley got rich! whee! so anw it was nice having a nice grp of pple to hang out with. i shant begin to comment on jonk's prom suit aspirations- but i hope he turns out fine. he's a worry that boy. haha. and alan almost bought shoes. and nash proudly announced he had completed his search with brave orchid. good on him. i wished i earned an income like him tho. sigh. cc flew off before the movie- what a bummer. we met trixellyjoy outside the unopened Daiso. then later saw rich/teckheng and gang. then also bumped into ronnnie&hanlong. haha. novelty attracts all! i hope vivocity succeeds and takes away the orchard crowd. ok im rambling. oh page one! it's so gonna trash borders (maybe not kino, yet) cuz it's neat, funky, avant garde and totally new age comfy intimate and cool. i felt right at home there, loved the quirky shelves and the whole feel of that place just made me feel at ease. had a good time flipping thru books which i will soon get but am too poor at the moment. soon i guess. soon i hope. at the same time lit ass memories from earlier in the day haunted me. but oh that for another time. as we left the mall with most shops closed, i looked back on those familiar faces and relished the last few moments i had with them. when will we do this again? i really dont know.

++ Sarah's party!
black tie theme at pine grove club house! i spent like the whole afternoon clearing my locker and then foolishly not taking back my thick paintbrushes after dumping the load in the car boot. so had to buy new ones from laurels and spent the next few hours from 5 all the way till abt 8 painting the present! it was a cat on rock and i really hope she liked it. anw the party was really nice in that it was a very diverse and yet chatty crowd and i felt very much at home there. nice food too from elsie's kitchen and ooh the cake! cheese oreos! simply heaven i must say. so anw it was a party i had very much looked forward too and although we didnt get to play musical chairs, haha, at least we got a nice sit down and a preview of sarah's prom dress. haha. ok so happy birthday girl! hope u had fun!

++SATs
i took it again! yes SAT 1 that is. crazy cuz i effectively had ONE day to prep for it- i ended up slacking and even watched Ghost Whisperer (damn good show- exciting finale next week) the night before (during which i cldve been at the vivocity opening watching stef sun but my dad cleverly failed to tell me abt it and gave away his stefsun segment tickets to strangers. grrr!) anw i like starhub centre so much more. i think despite having abt 3 hrs sleep only, i was able to concentrate more and all. had a back seat, small room, comfortable, aircon, and though it was super draining i had fun doing the mcqs again. it certainly felt better but then again one never knows. fingers crossed!
anw blur as i was i didnt realize that dennet was in the same room as me until after the whole thing. dope! anw it was nice talking and have to agree with her in that it's quite sad that we still had to study or rather do practice after the As. dang.

later i went shopping with parents! finally borrowed my suit, got my shirt, shoes, socks and even some new undies and nice striped corduroy pants for CNY next year. so it was a very fulfilling afternoon i must say. met miki outside pandan valley (after getting stuck like almost 1 hr in the uber crowded people's park parking lot) and passed him the movie hamper. i look at him and the other juniors and im thinking whether i shld be sad that im not young anymore or happy that im done with As, unlike them. u can never have the best of both worlds. anw i might never see him again. but his last words were crazily apt! in holden caulfield's words:

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

and that pretty well wraps up my adventures of the month of november and a little bit of december. hope alan had a great world aids day and well, prom's the next thing to look forward to. and after that, well, im gonna feel real hollow and lonely. but i shall live for the moment.

on a parting note here's to the songs that have featured prominently during the mugging days for As (and will forever be tied to those moments of doubt, uncertainty, fear, fatigue and nights of solitary contemplation on the use of hitler's arithmetic progression towards keynesian employment of memento mori and othello and gorbachev's anthropocentric linear interpolation of the world as we know it) : (ratings in stars)
- Fergalicious by Fergie ****
- I Dare You by Shine Down **** *
- Rock Steady by All Saints **** *
- Original Fire by Audioslave ***
- Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol ***
- My Love by Justin Timberlake ***
- Chain Hang Low by Jibbs *
- I Don't Need A Man by Pussycat Dolls ***
- It Ends Tonight by All American Rejects ***
- Irreplaceable by Beyonce **** *
- Jump by Madonna ****
- When You Were Young by The Killers **** *
- Nothing In This World by Paris Hilton **** *
- Hurt by Christina Aguilera ****
- El Nin-Yo! by Tata Young ***
- Show Stopper by Danity Kane *
- How To Save A Life by The Fray ***
- Lips of an Angel by Hinder ***
- I Don't Feel Like Dancing by The Scissor Sisters **** *

forever young

2006-10-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

Lets dance in style, lets dance for a while
Heaven can wait were only watching the skies
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever
We dont have the power but we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
The musics for the sad men

Can you imagine when this race is won
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders were getting in tune
The musics played by the madmen

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever and ever

Some are like water, some are like the heat
Some are a melody and some are the beat
Sooner or later they all will be gone
Why dont they stay young

Its so hard to get old without a cause
I dont want to perish like a fading horse
Youth is like diamonds in the sun
And diamonds are forever

So many adventures couldnt happen today
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams are swinging out of the blue
We let them come true

again

2006-10-06T09:31:00.000-07:00

i can't believe we are graduating in less than a week.

again.

today i walked into school and the tune of and we will dance aka batch song k'predorus welcomed me with a warm fuzzy feeling. i looked around me for anyone, someone who mightve shared my swelling sentiments at the moment- but i was alone.

i hope that on wednesday, we will all sing and leave as one. after all that is what we have been, an amazing batch, united a lot of ways, divided in many, but nonetheless lovable for all the friendships and quirks and collective achievements.

but when i say 'again', i mean for real. no more raffles baby. and that scares the hell out of me. seems like i took a lotta things for granted after all. one of these days i will understand it all. but now, now i just want to wallow in the bittersweet memories of these past six years- truly unspeakable.

today was the last official lesson day, but it was in no way official. most lessons were relaxing post mortems or debriefs and full of teacherly farewell speeches. the class sneaked up to the rooftop once more with the authority of mz joanne lui, our beloved mrs yeo in many ways, and had a funtime running about aircon things under the bright bright sun and snapping photos. i will always rmbr the first time mz lui walked into the seminar room 1/2/3/4 (pick one), with her longer hair, and with her warcraft theory and personal cards for us to write abt ourselves on. so looking at her making her final speech, not teaching math, was more than surreal.

class lunch at thomson had the best turn out in ages, and it was nice prowling that plaza again, for it brought back memories of so many things. kpredorus (my first time there), zkardia (lunch during external), mini class lunch after second last paper for promos/before econs mcq at burger king i think, buying cables for lyon with lestari for shifting gears, and my memory stalls at the other instances where i would just go with the crowd and enjoy the times we had.
we ended up at the food court at last (after considering prosperous kitchen and han's), but rmbr how everything happens for a reason? we actually saw christopher lee and fann wong lookalike dawn yeo and benedict goh and some other actress who wore a wig, and then proceeded to take a photo with them as a class (sans photographer ramu haha), behaving like besotted fans- i bet some of the girls were anw. so it was a nice wrap. i got me some nice second hand books at the book fair too, atonement and two of atwood, and for a moment i felt intellectually stimulated, until history ass reminded me of my mediocrity (which will end here) when we returned.

it has been a short two years, but it has been a long two years.
i sit here cooped up in a haze free aircon room, sorting out what we call my future with application forms and pieces of paper that at this point seem so important yet trivial at the same time. and i dont know what to feel.

tomorrow i shall start studying. this is probably an overdue declaration, but it's a promise at the very least. i need to work for the goodies, and im ready.

till then, i am invincible. i am me.

lluvia de mar

2006-09-30T06:10:00.000-07:00

this sudden feeling of emptiness has just come over me, immersing me in perfect realization of my strange solitude.

there is no one else at home tonight, and there isn't enough in me to push on.

it's like stepping off a cliff and falling into an abyss of nothingness. aimlessness. swimming in a pool of quicksand- sinking further the more i try, and gosh, im breathless once again...

suddenly things dont really seem to matter anymore.

and this just shows how fickle i can be- how moodswings affect me. and then i realize that perhaps if you take away all the distractions lately, im actually just a sad, self-pitying person who wallows in a vain yearning that cannot be explained.

and deep inside, i dont know what that is. i cannot articulate it, and i feel trapped in myself.

anyway, the recent number of deaths has been brought to my attention a certain thing called the treatment of life.

one was saying how cowardly and irresponsible committing suicide is. but i disagree, really. we only say that because we have no guts to do the same, and because we can never empathize although we think we can.

oh it's just grades- what does it matter? we have done worse.
oh family problems! he hasnt been in mine for sure.

but in that judgement we pass there is a clear disregard for circumstances which perhaps havent befallen us. we are anthropocentric after all, and there is always the assumption that what others do with their lives is so trivial and that we cldve handled it better.

you have no idea. we have no idea.

i dont think i will ever have the courage to kill myself unless smthing bigger than all that has ever happened before happens to me. i know because on many of those endless nights i walked over to the window and faced the blank and the occasional lights in deep contemplation. and looking down, despite forgetting for a moment if i was really living a life that was mine, and despite being engulfed in surreal thoughts abt my existence, smthing in me tugged me back into the room of books, into the lights inside, telling myself that tomorrow will be a better day, and that nights like these just have to come and go.

i wld envision my funeral on my terms. there has to be good music playing, and i would want people to remember me for the good things.

so im not ready to go. i love myself too much. and that's living for myself.

dont tell me it's a sin.

so i dont think it's cowardice, neither do i believe its inconsideration, because inconsideration is the very thing that drove him/her to the other world. and right on if that's what it takes for people to notice you again, to realize that theyve hurt you, to make them feel guilty for the rest of their lives. sometimes things just happen and if it be that way, there's no reason for bystanders like us to pretend like we've seen it all, like we knew that person, like our values and beliefs can be imposed onto an analysis or judgement on their actions.

just let it go.

but i do believe, if i may air my opinions, that it was folly. if only- one more second, another day, things mightve changed from night to day. and i do believe that at the end of the storm there will always be a place in you which you can call home, where you can feel safe in your own skin and be not nobody but yourself. it's a waste, especially when all around you people are dying beyond their will, helpless and fighting for one last breath; or worst still, being confronted with a sudden robbing and tragic loss of a loved one. that aint fair. i cannot bear to think of things like that because they make me feel...squirmy. and once again i am inarticulate.

hmmm. i pause now because i realized that a lot of things dont make sense, especially when we try to make sense of them.

enough, no more.

looking limbo

2006-09-29T05:54:00.000-07:00

the past week has been simply great- catching up, unwinding, putting things in perspective, and mentally preparing myself for a lot of things.

i more or less spent the weekend slacking and moping around the house and the swimming pool, in front of the tv watching movie after movie.

in other words, vegetating, as ive said before.

but tuesday saw me embracing the newfound freedom! woke up rather early for KBOX with class! hahaha. it was the most fun i had in days. pure enjoyment and merrymaking and silly singing and shouting and just having a great ball with great company. somehow one can never go wrong with the class, and im very thankful for that. naturally i appreciated the english songs more but i realized that chinese songs aint that bad after all. the food wasnt super but all that singing really made up for it. colourful experience to say the least. and it was my virgin kbox round...so that's another first for the keeping!

i have a malu-ating video of the rest of them singing YMCA with the moves! hahaha. they're gonna have to pay me off to stop it from leaking onto youtube with a full list of cast :]

but you know. things like that. moments. they just come and go.

it was joy's birthday...gave her milo which she sipped like a baby, as usual. anw while writing the card a lot passed through my mind and i realized there's so much to talk about each person in the class. but that for another day. in a tribute to joy, i will always rmbr her as the moon orchid wannabe, the aspiring pussycat doll, the nibbler, and the albino girl who tap dances and who only LOOKS innocent.

we went to MIND cafe after that! boy i enjoyed it. zhifeng xtine joy and myself played on one table by ourselves since the rest ousted us with their strategy game of sorts. grrr. but i wld like to think we had more fun than them. haha. anyway we were head over heels in laughter over this game called Faces, which prompted xtine to exclaim that its the most number of ugly pple she's seen at a go. the animal pictures were hilarious. anw two rounds of it establish joy and myself as psychic buddies. xtine cldnt believe that she was actually losing in a game like that and zhifeng and her cheated!!! haha actually so did joy and i but wth it was still good fun!

after when some of them left the remaining pple played this Idiot game and it was great fun too. shumin was an excellent teammate and those trivia questions were delightful. liked it when daryl 'the idiot' gave the answer as peanuts and he was actually right...haha. the free flow of drinks rocks. shld go back there again someday.

well the walk back from paradiz was peaceful and suddenly most of them waved goodbye and trotted off to the mrt. zhifeng xtine and i were left. i mentioned that it felt like survivor and we were the last three standing. ok that was lame but yeah. roamed abt PS for an hour or so. enjoyed the relishing of freedom. just soaking in time. visiting ntuc and lego and what not...oh amd i bought interview with the vampire (dvd) for $12.50 woohooo! eat that!

anw we finally settled at the foodcourt where zhifeng ate fish soup and xtine came to the conclusion that he was her dad. and the girl refused to eat despite time approaching 9pm but it was nice of her to accompany us anw.

then at 9smthing i found myself alone and arriving ontime for possibly the first time in a long while. it was great hanging out with the ole bunch again! i was actually extremely zombiefied by then- having walked around town the whole day. but somehow we slept late, as with all sleepovers. i figured there was plenty of lazing arnd and toying arnd with cc's computer but eventually we got down to games of categories inspired by 987's shan wee and each of us had the chance to be 'authorities' on our areas of expertise, which was funn. then godknows what else we did to pass time. i rmbr making them watch lotsa rockstar videos- but obviously not everyone cld appreciate. oh well. bummers haha. alan amazingly finished his comic books and was busy most of the time havin sms sex. jonk was being a prig. cc was flirting with joy on the phone. anw those little things just came together eventually and i liked how we cld still hit it off after so long lah. it has been a long time, really.

anyhow, the next day- late, as expected. but seeing ms heng again was the best reward ever! nash joined us and we went to crystal jade for lunch, then roamed arnd the opera gallery and kinokuniya before settling down at the coffe club for tea. ahh it was nice catching up and ms heng's become more of a friend than anything and im so thankful for that. a lot of advice from her and i will always respect her for that- teaching us kindness and respect and love and well, let's not talk abt the chinese. no prizes for guessing that yours truly was worst in chinese but well i tried and im gonna brush it up soon. nash gave a wonderful rundown of his mother and i really think he shld write a book abt her and how she has through drastic means (for lack of the better word) really prepared him for life. the woman warrior story of spore, with nash's mom as brave orchid. haha.

anw...oh ms heng. felt i let her down on the chinese bit but well hopefully i can redeem myself soon. i really dont know if she's realized how much she's given us- at least i feel that way- so much so much. positive love.

i miss a lot of teachers. i miss my maids too. problem is, i might never meet a good bulk of them for the rest of my life. and that makes me very sad. i need to keep the people around me, closer.

well the whirlwind outing i had ended after that. wish we spent more time together, but it was good unwinding nonetheless. and for a moment time stopped in that limbo. no results. five days of proper slacking. and having a lot of alone time to reflect.

anw trip to borders was accidental and guess who i met again...russell! gotta love that albino guy.
and it was at the same dvd offer place near the design books which is crazy. haha. that's how small singapore is and how coincidental things can get. had a nice chat and i appreciate spontaneous stuff like this. i think it just shows a different and real side of a person when that happens.

and today lawrence on msn and navjote too were great convos for different reasons. and lunch with class was a return to the good ole times. i love how we're so familiar with each other now.

so at the end of the day i believe that everything happens for a reason. even if it's the decision to take the bus instead of the mrt and walking into borders, or bad grades waking us up from our academic slumber, or tuning in to another radio station in the middle of the night and hence winning smthing, i think life has been fair in that the karma police have been at work.

one of these days i will get there and im gonna work hard for what i want from now on. and i BELIEVE. suddenly i just wanna throw everything away and live my goals out.

some things i want to accomplish in the coming years:
- get the perfect score for As.
- learn the guitar/piano.
- learn russian and visit russia.
- buck up and bulk up.
and as always become a better person.

i wanna travel the world and experience and live the world, like russell said, and not just remain in some corner of the world, even as we are seeking to understand our purpose in this space we call the universe. and i wanna be like navjote and be brave and strive for that accomodating factor in the human element!

my grades are teetering at the moment so no point discussing an inconclusive matter. im just thankful it aint any worse than it is at the moment, which is smthing we tend to take for granted. to all those with me, just know that we will get there, somehow. and we're gonna lead beautiful lives from now on. because life is beautiful.

"ipod, therefore i am." :]

smilerp

2006-09-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

movies i have watched since the end of prelims:

the devil wears prada
hide and seek
losing isaiah
lackawanna blues
the brooke ellyson story
a lot like love

and that's vegetating before the tv for you.

it's always an anti-climax isnt it? that's the problem. like you cannot fully enjoy it until it's too late. i dont think i will ever feel completely free until i get back the results next year. ultimately everything boils down to the results, if you think about it.

but but im really not gonna worry my life away like that. it has after all been an accomplishment, surviving the late nights and crazy last minute cramming, day after day, stress levels hitting all time highs, and those lonesome nights when you just feel like jumping...

the weeks leading up to prelims were probably screaming out for me to start even the teeniest bit of revision, but procrastination for the better of me, again. i cannot emphasize how much that bothers me. but it's all one. ultimately i had to pay the price. but sometimes you feel the knots in your tummy and you cant help but hate yourself and think: what the hell were you doing for the past few weeks?!

rock star: supernova!

the best weekly entertainment in the longest time. really much more to look forward to than the idol franchise that's for sure. anw lukas won and well i guess it was a blind choice right from the start, but that's the way things go in the industry i suppose. dilana will go far and so will the good ones like storm and ryan and magni...they really didnt need the band!

but here's to weeks upon weeks of solid rock and hard thumping euphoria. i was a fan i tell you, a fan of them all. and at the end of the day, who doesnt love brooke burke? haha. here's to an amazing season and hopefully another smashin' one to come! QUEEN please!!!

anw that was like midway through prelims, and the going was tough! i must say it has been the toughest mugging spree ive ever been on, and yes i was warned, but i had no idea. my ability to focus is terrible. i stand up every 5 minutes for the toilet or more water or to flip through the papers. in a good way i had tons of water in my system the whole day, and i did not fall back on my knowledge of the world. but oh the temptations all around me. the tv and the computer. two greates evils when it comes to studying. i managed to starve off the com with much success, so pat on the back for that. as for tv, well i also kept it to rockstar so kudos to me for that too. but i was going crazy. although, if you think about it, i kinda grew out of my dependency on the com and tele such that it really didnt matter. but knowing that and facing the cruel books are two different things that should never go together for the sake of sanity. i cannot stand silence very well, so thank god for the radio!

announcing my two latest radio conquests!
haha with much humility i won

1) a rock star: supernova goodie bag from starworld, which had more starworld stuff than rockstar stuff but still cool! i was supposedly put into a draw for tickets to the finale in LA but that didnt work out in the end, or i wldve flown my ass over and hecked prelims. you bet. so for this, happy twelfth birthday power 98!!!!

2) a $100 scissor sisters cd hamper :] i must admit to betraying power 98 here. on a night of boredom i switched over to 987 and played shan wee's game of categories, which were things you can cut, magic, and types of dance. won the last two and thus making this by far my most challenging radio endeavour by far. i dont think i was ever made to compete with another person on air for a prize...but i cldnt let this one go, and i didnt! so yay me. the girl i competed with was great though, and i only won by a really close shave. a little worrying that they havent gotten back to me on the prize yet though. like i said, not my territory. but can we get a 'hell yeah"?!

so anyway that gave me drive to 'press on' as mrs perry might say. at this point i really wanna thank her for her encouragement. it's really only prelims- and im gonna try to take the results, whatever they may be, with stride and work on whatever needs to be worked on. 'no whinging' as mr reeves would say, and yes im just gonna try to get an early start and not repeat the mad rush that left me peeing in my pants. figuratively, i suppose.

tuning in to the radio during exam period would mean those songs will for a good time be associated with exam aid songs. in sec 3 my exam aid playlist was michelle branch's hotel paper. in sec 4 it was ashlee's autobiography. last year it was songs like crow's good is good, switchfoot stars etc. this year's list goes something like that, which would be familiar to the initiated:

- london bridge, fergie
- tokyo drift, teriyaki boys
- too little too late, jojo
- dont feel like dancing, scissor sisters
- sexy back, justin timberlake
- smile, lily allen
- you and your hand, pink
- call me when you're sober, evanescence
- hate me, blue october
- boston, augustana
blah blah blah

i actually wanted to do a run down of all the subjects and how i somehow magnificently pulled through (though how well remains to be seen), but im lazy and some things are better left unsaid.

history ass was like an ant that wouldnt go away. when it finally did on friday, i was kinda sad actually. but extremely relieved initially. rolly said: "i know that's your last paper...for NOW" which really made me wanna enjoy myself as much as i can now. then he showed us euro hist results, which was really gratifying for a group effort...all As and Bs! i got a bee, but i guess i cannot be greedy. i dont deserve much for a last minute effort anyway. and yes, everything happens for a reason. that dulled my mood for a while but the classmates made me happy. thank you.

on a happy note i actually opened my ipod! VERY belated i know. since april you know.
obviously the marlow in me has been yelling: RESTRAINT. but not anymore!!!
meet mot joe black people!
now i can be happy all the time, because music is my escape for a good 90% of the time.
and people and other stuff make up 10% of the time.

but if ive learnt anything in this past few weeks, or years even, especially after watching shows like brooke ellyson and lackawanna...its that miracles happen to us all the time- we just have to look for them in the people around us, and we can find them there. and i guess these people might change- the groups you socialize with shift over time, maybe because you change as aperson too, but at the end of the day, we are never alone (i would like to think). never is a big word, but we really must NEVER take anyone for granted, especially our parents, i feel.

argh everyone just go watch brooke ellyson and lackawanna!

sometimes i watch stuff and feel that i just got a life changing deal...but then inertia takes over and i feel horribly inadequate at controlling my own life. but this is my life and i know i can change it! i just have to stop blogging about it. bleah.

anyway, if anybody has watched Contact, the jodie foster one, i shld think i wld wanna travel for 18 hours out into space and understand that we are but bacteria compared to the rest of the universe. and i want my mind enlarged, like the russian harlequin (not by trivial human charisma, but by the beauty of the world beyond us) , and i need to know just what is out there, and that there is after all, no faith but one in humanity and in the universe as a cosmic entity.

and i will be in constant search for what i know is the truth.

and you cannot sit there and feel you know more than me, because it doesnt bother me what insecurities you have.

and for some i just need to know why because i understand the goodness in you.

and for once, then, something!

gosh i really need to do an ipod commercial with my silhouette now! i must say that i have developed rockstar tendencies over the past few weeks.

i think one day i will finally rid myself of the bitter taste that lingers in my very being. but now i feel that i know what so many pple just cannot ever know. and i know it's true.
and all i need is to be loved.

on a last note, i hope i dont have body dysmorphic disorder, but symptoms are indicating otherwise.

this had ended on a totally off note. i know. tomorrow will be a better day.

old sport

2006-08-22T08:58:00.000-07:00

yo just a quickie

today four girls made my day. haha.
HUGE thanks to JEAN, TRIX, ELLY, & ANGIE for possibly the bestest gift in a long time:
BONNIE MCKEE's TROUBLE :]
been wanting it since sec 4 and it just popped up today. made my day, my week, and they even shipped it in! awww. you dont know how grateful i am.

it's the last proper week of school and i really feel time slipping by
i need it to stop, but all i can do is pathetically tag along and make do with my lethargy and constant proclivity to be distracted by the likes of Rockstar Supernova and what not.

i just have this sudden extreme fondness for our teachers you know, esp ms lo, ms lui and mr kwok, since they usually get sidelined in our enthusiasm for teachers. im gonna miss them so much. sigh.

spent the whole of last week doing up a portfolio which was good reflection. thanks to all who helped and great appreciation to an ever supportive house mistress, ms chen.

friday's spontaneous thingum with stef mark and xtine the cat made my week end on a splendid intimate note. the world was ours.

saturday was liquid kitchen for the 280888 babies and i wish them all the best and eternal felicity from the bottom of the heart (of darkness)- oh shut it. yes it was fun cutting my hair, dressing up as a pimp, buying body shop mix&match perfume (and that tummy trimmer) for them with the other guys and seeing all the people in pyjamas and silly things. i just wished it lasted longer.

i think i might just be done with HOMEWORK. that means mug you toad.
and this will be what i leave you with.

great gatsby calls for me so i will return to its american bosom. i wish everyone all the best and may the powers that be see me through this crazy period.

love you in that baby.

supermassive blackhole

2006-08-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

wow august already.

so time really does fly. in a matter of weeks we'll be coming to school in the afternoons, staying up through the night cramming last minute stuff, having morning butterflies in the tummy, and writing till our hands ache. and then that anticipation, even before it begins, just before it starts, that youre over and done with it and all the things you could do.

and then the anticlimax.

but if there's one thing to motivate me, it'll have to be the results. and i cannot stress how impt this is to me and to many people whom i dont wanna let down. today shib was telling me prelims dont matter for me, but i said it does, not so much cuz im considering applying this year, but cuz it's my leaving exam for this school, for raffles as a whole, and i tell myself- i owe it as much to six years of grooming and invaluable lessons to get a good list of grades.

there's always a reason why i take long breaks. sometimes my body just says no. sometimes i just dont feel like it. but so many things have happened over the past two weeks, and in a sense, has changed my approach to life in general.

the detachment from the computer due to its crashing for a millionth time, hence costing me all my valuable us and drama photos, and god knows what other stuff, was actually perhaps a blessing in disguise. ive learnt to relinquish my overdependence on it.

falling sick for the first time in a long while has reminded me that im not invincible, and i cannot afford to take stupid risks with my health any more. simply because health, or life, so to speak, is possibly the most important thing we have and should cherish.

and that brings me to that. well, i still can't believe it happened. just like that. on the phone. how was i supposed to react. you know that day with the three red cars in a row? christopher boone lied. it wasnt a super good day, by any measure.

i guessed it didnt really hit me how much i could miss someone until that last morning when i just let the tears flow and all the memories came flooding back. it's strange- you really fail to cherish when time is on your side.

"dont it always seem to go, when you dont know what youve got till its gone"

but it wasnt the first time i lost control that week. on my bed too, the evening, after which i tried to sleep off my headache. then at jefferey goh's 7-UPs talk, which was by far the best talk ive ever been too- i laughed so much but when he talked about loving your parents i just realized there's still time with them and there's so much i need to say to them and do for them, and i can, and i really want to. it's just that sometime's it's so hard, you know. but really, he reminded me of my family, how he spoke of the olden days and how we're so lucky now.

you people dont know how much your parents love you, how much they would do for you. really, what they do for you, you can never do as much for them in return.

ive come to realize that i like my cousins a lot. and i really hope that we grow up together and stay in touch. all those silly catching games, parties, spoof videos, hopskotch, hide and seek, performances...all of that, well, will possibly never happen again, and a little part of me dies inside knowing that i cannot turn back the clock (god knows how many parts have died), but i really hope that the future is ours to shape and stay close. but only time will tell.

i appreciate bonding with people, did i say? sometimes i wonder what's the use of the occasional msn chat, the wave from a distance, and the casual formalities on the way. all the people i meet everyday, what do i mean to them, and them to me, really. when the time passes, what will we mean to each other, and how will we look at each other the same, after the world around us morphs into another stage of our lives. i truly think that while we live for the company, and the company keeps us alive, we really do exist alone.

you know back in those ri days, i actually thought that what i had would go on forever. well, it certainly did seem like it would back then. nothing to worry about, except the books, which in retrospect, was really a speck of dust- and seemingly all the time in the world to pursue so much other stuff i could have done, but did not. i know i will always look back in regret, but i cannot help but say those were in many ways the best four years of my life.

i grew into a better person in those four years, just as im trying to grow into a better person each day. and i think, that just perhaps, ive grown a great deal in the past two weeks too.

for now im gonna crawl into this supermassive blackhole and disappear for a while. till then i will always remember, and honour, and live it for what it's worth.

are you happy?

2006-07-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

i dont mind
spending some time
just hanging around with you

joy is the number one lyric spouter. name her a song and she will start singing in her baby voice. get your singing joy now. comes complete with shaking function. batteries not included.
haha. that's joy for you. she has a fetish for slutty songs like stars are blind (which, admit it, is growing on everybody), and buttons. really cracks us up when she does her joy rendition in the canteen. hidden talent never proved more hidden. i mean, look at her!

continuous random variables is bugging me so im taking a break. anyhow, i dont see how im gonna get back my proper routine. i come home, feel so damn shag that i sleep until dinner, wake up, sluggish, bathe, eat, do what little work i can, get distracted by com (like now), then realize its too late for me to have sufficient sleep for day two. how do you expect me to begin any form of revision like that? or much less cope with the homework the teachers are piling upon us? and the weekend- i didnt even notice it!

tonight ive only touched math tutorial, leaving history readings, math revison tutorials, and uni research undone and untouched and totally zilch in terms of progress. and it frustrates me. because i have the will, but i dont see the way.

i must say i dont like the word remedial. sorry, but i choose not to associate myself with it. i call the friday econs thing "supplementary" instead. having it after hist s certainly does not help- im gonna explode one of these days, but it's gonna take that to get me disciplined and settled and used to the fact that i have to bloody well slog my ass off to see any results. ok then, i accept my fate.

some things just happen. considering offering ms lo a free zpop concert ticket. motive: jjlin will be enough of an encouragement for her to feel happy enough to add one mark to any part of my paper. ANY part. 68.5. hello! haha but obviously 1) it wont work 2) i wont stoop to that. today i just felt zen when i realized im gonna get a bee three for gp. eww eww eww. i have fallen. even if i get that extra mark id still be a borderline case. so why not let the grades be a painful reminder for me to buck up! boo hoo. yeah yeah. uhuh. alright. set.

yingsze is ridiculously funny in class- when she's not displaying her yingsze syndrome (of asking a previously answered question say ten minutes later), she's infecting others with it and falling asleep. hahaha. hurray to snee who started filming mini videos in class. priceless digital memories in the making.

today i saw a startling trio! mrs yau, mr mark wee and mrs joy lim! latter two were engaged in separate convos so i only spoke to mrs yau! good ole mrs yau! she's still the same granny with the kind voice and nagging frown. oh i wish she wld smile more! anw it seems ri lost eureka challenge again. oh bugger. we talked abt the old rigour of the o levels. frankly, id rather be doing o levels again than having to tackle the As. ooooooh i miss miss miss them so much! really wanted to walk back to ri. but 1) cldnt bear to see the construction going on (tearing apart at what was once my second home) 2) had to return to nice rp party. so there it was. im so gonna have to catch up again on teachers' day. i love them! and even though i dont take sciences now im so thankful for all that we got from them. oh the memories. allow me to indulge then. the laughter. mrs yau and her nagging during titration, joy lim and her cockroach and lion with vitamin c pills, mark wee with his lame quirks like father mother thumb or whatever physics hand rule there was. haha. and i rmbr the o level practicals. quarantine. prawn. ammonia. bulbs. man those were the days man! i really really miss it for some reason. id probably look back years from now at jc and miss it just as much, but now, at the brink of another national exam two years down the road, you cant help but compare, reminisce, and draw from then to pursue whatever it is we wanna achieve this time round. i need my four As. and i dont know how im gonna get there, but i will try, and do what i can. and that means self control. from tomorrow onwards- be a mugger ok.

i wont forget to enjoy myself. i must study, but i still have lit s and hist s to read up for. movies to watch on dvd, books to read. and i will cover it all. i just need proper time management.

anyways, rp farewell today. huge thanks to the sensitive bunch of juniors we have- it made us feel so appreciated, but more so because we know how much we've accomplished in such a short term. so moving to see jo moved to tears. but the auld lang syne bit. tho not all were there, and it wasnt formal or anything, it really felt like some closure that was almost too painful to acknowledge. i told noddy, my very adorable buddy, that i came into rp not expecting anything since i had no experience whatsoever, and unexpectedly, i got so much in return. i can only look back and choke on how much my time in rp has given me, as a person, a designer, an actor and a friend. i really felt it made me more responsible, made me willing to take charge and take risks and stretch my boundaries. perhaps this is a premature tribute, and i dont think i wld do rp justice by typing out a rush job here, but its thanks a million and so much more. i will cherish this for sure. the mask will be a symbolic reminder of the glorious times spent as a crazy group- drama festes, daisy sets, threesome/roadrunners, 1938, shifting gears, open house...if only i could turn back time. if only.

ah but all that sobbing for another time. im gonna start to take control of my life by ending here and hitting the sack. there's so much to say. but so little i would put up now. (think canteen talk, big laughter, what you would give for the world, and why one lives and what one lives for) let's just leave it at that. life, oh life, oh lifeeee, oh life.

i should stop thinking so much. yeah?

but i never figured out how to answer that.

light up, light up

2006-07-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

yeeler was saying how he saw so many beautiful people at some mrt once. when i see beautiful people, i want to crumple up my face. envy equals vice.

felt horrible for forgetting glenc's bday. if youre reading glen, happy belated birthday! i look back and wonder what happened to the class that was four dee. oh i miss it. on top of so many other things.

this week was an outdoors week for me. cousin shan's bday at blooies and then pirates of the caribbean on tuesday! people, pirates is now officially one of my favourite movies of all time. i was never more entertained in my life, and caught up with all the mystery and ancien mariner-ish intrigue that is dead man's chest. johnny depp is probably one of my fav actors cuz he's super talented and yet always humble. keira and orlando = outrageously beautiful people, but i forgive them cuz it wldnt have been the same without them- so much depth added since the first instalment. anw now i really wanna be a pirate! the best way to experience pirates is to watch it- and im gonna watch it again once i get my free pass: cathay cineplex hall 3 which i was in had a major tech screwup which made us wait more than one freaking hour for the movie to resume. so yeah im getting a free pass. and another one for movie of my choice. i win! im a winner.

wednesday was cc's bday and pity we didnt celebrate it but the outing's coming soon. gave him jewel's newest cd. i actually really enjoyed giving that present particularly. writing the card made me realize i have a million gazillion things to tell everyone before i leave school and never see some of them again. oh the misery. "miserable age" (shut up bosola)

oh yeah which reminds me i spent sunday at borders! it was the best thing to do- having that extra money to buy what i wanted. landed myself with a super deal i felt- dvds got me a twenty percent off the books. yay me! now i will have no problem passing my time- or rather, making full use of it. my grapes of wrath has the nicest papery feel ive felt in ages. it smells good, feels coarse to the fingers and gives me the brown crispy touch that i need to sustain my fickle interest. on beauty has the chio-est cover, albeit a bit girly but everyone says its good, plus it was cheap, so i snapped it. catcher in the rye was a no brainer for me cuz i intend to make use of it somehow, be it lit ass or just plain paperback pleasure. small book in my hands, cup of tea, couch, cool wind on my face, sunny day. time on my side. i was tempted to buy history books, but that's for another time. picked up sandman: dream country and world's end too. speaking of which i absolutely CANNOT wait for at world's end and spiderman 3. hello! there's like venom! and i wanna know if jack sparrow really died! (oops spoiler. serves you right, because you probably spoiled xmen or harry potter for me, so we're even) well anw of course he didnt die. but oh the twists and turns. i also got myself mystic river and pieces of april on dvd, which im gonna enjoy after i read the mystic river book. oh boy.

keep thinking of the amount of work piling up. teachers reminding us we ought to be starting revision now. this is a mess. this life of ours. school. i dont know how we survive. but we do. we have to.

SYF awards show! spent a thought provoking afternoon with snee, and i find that we can talk really easily about most anything. so many insights btw, but more on that later. anw we got there LATE, much to my dismay, and missed cj. met cand who gave us a ride in the cab up the enormous hill that is 0.1 of hwa chong's empire in land terms. met mrs b and hubby. she had red streaks on the fringe, which is actually damn cool without the headband. and i felt that i actually missed her presence, in some weird way. anw i felt rj was the best, although there's so much RP cld learn from the others. aj was splendid with its aesthetics, and had pretty strong acting. did i get the storyline? not really- but my fault cuz im not a very good listener. ac was, im sorry, too overrated, and british accent in an american play is just no-no. ensemble was really what an ensemble shld be- strong, coordinated, powerful, effective and energetic. but amazing grace had too much airtime, and one was faced with boredom by the time they got to bunnie- oh no, not another eulogy! anyhow, goodjob to the rj peeps, cuz watching it again i actually felt extremely defensive when pple laughed unnecessarily. and im just all the prouder of all of them for being the great actors that they are. oh shumin and waikit, that priceless quarrel about george. and jo- was she shining or what. even akesh's rap never sounded better. shumin said that was probably her closest to a real theatre experience- because theyve done it so many times, it was like, their piece. totally agree. and noone cldve done it better!

liyana: "sam jo youre such an impt character in the play!"
me: "hmmm?"
liyana: "people hear your name and go- WHERE?"
thanks hor.

this week isnt my week because ive been made to wait for the longest time. first was pirates screw up, then was fish and co today- glass house was packed. saw james, who was at the booze counter! tsk tsk. anw we were made to wait close to 2 hours. but i appreciated spending more time with meta;fyr! as much as i dont go in the mornings, i really miss the bunch of them. must thank jean for keeping this og together. we enjoyed the new york fish and chips and whiled the time talking about weirdos in school and lapping up extra drops of butter sauce. yummy. quiet moments. looking up, no stars, but under the statue of LOVE, it was all we needed. promised it wasnt gonna be the last gathering. after exams? so be it. at the busstop i met victor.

sister just pointed to keira knightley on my wallpaper and said:
"do you know she's my age?"
me: "yes and look at you!"
she: "yes and what have i achieved?"
me: "nothing!"
she: "so sad!"

maybe that's why im jealous of beautiful people. they get what they want young, and spend the rest of their lives living off it. grrrr. (song playing now happens to be ashlee's beautifully broken. ha!)

anw yes speaking of keira, xtine and i had a great time discussing pirates while everyone else was still clueless. oh man. i think xtine is one girl who pleases everyone. oh oops. okay lemme try that again. xtine is someone whom everyone is happy to see! yes that's better. there's so much to talk about, and i must let it be known that im thankful for the comforting convos on the bus ride home. bus ride convos, although we dont rmbr much of, are extremely important in forming friendships, i feel. when the busride gets awkwardly quiet, then there's smthing wrong. and boy have i had my fair share of that. do i really worry too much?

anw been speaking to snee a lot lately. amazing to see how we've all come thus far. sometimes i feel like telling my life story and i hold back. and once in a while someone comes along, someone who bothers to listen and share. i have met a couple of such people, but i always end up losing them, in one way or another. anw, we talked to rolly on friday. and i want to put my life back in perspective. really, i can be rather oblivious to all thats around me sometimes. oh bugger. on that note, some things around me id rather not know of. but now that i do, come on! who are you to act all sententious when ure spending ur last year of school making someone else's life miserable, on purpose, with no good reason, and even to the point of sowing serious shit discord. im so over it, and i hope you get here someday. to the realization that we dont cherish enough and do things that we will spend the rest of our lives regretting. you dont wanna do this. really. and i say this, as a friend, to you both.

shib- we still need to talk. cheer up please.

and what does this mean?
With a gun and a pack of sandwiches says:
you're a clever boy.
With a gun and a pack of sandwiches says:
goodnight

too much for tonight. i shall end with this. i will be a new person somewhat come the new week.

Maybe I should sleep earlier and get off the bloody com and get my life back.

I love knowing that i have yet to fall in love.

I don't understand a crazy little thing called life.

I lose sleep when i really want to sleep. irony in insomnia.

People say I am the epitome of me. because i am not enough of anything to be something. something other than myself.

Love is a many splendoured thing. it has to be.

When I like someone i act differently lest im just not good enough the way i am. okay and sometimes i google the name- for kicks.

Somewhere someone will be the one. but somewhere someone is also dying, praying, doing something naughty, or being born into the wrong world.

I will always remember the days. the happy happy days, and never let go, for i draw strength from then. i will always try to be a better person, and never stop seeking the truth, that which is not 42.

Forever is being alone with the one you like and hearing time stop in your heart. forever is being young and having your whole future ahead of you and being free of worries. forever is what ive lost but seek to find again. forever is something i cannot see but would like to hold, even for a second. and that is impossible.

I never want to lose my memory and for people to forget me.

I think the current US President is not having an affair with rice.

I will never say never. well, perhaps eat chilli.

My past is a shadow that is always behind me, giving me all the support i need, but also the drawer of times that i want to hideaway forever.

My greatest fear is the fear of fear itself. perhaps facing up to my insecurities of this life, and after that, death and its emptiness.

I get annoyed when i act like a jerk and feel lousy about myself. also when people dont seem to exercise the same amount of self consciousness that i am capable of.

My dog is gonna be the cutest thing ever. i shall name him wellington, and i will love him because he will be there when im lonely.

Kisses are the best when dare you to move is the song behind it all. when sincere, of course. and when a surprise.

Tomorrow is only a day away. a never ending sleep. something which i do not want to wake up to.

I really want to let the world know who i am and be appreciated. i want to be tops in something, and not just an eminent mediocrity.

I have low tolerance for inconsideration and lack of love. oh and chilli.

just missed the train

2006-07-08T01:14:00.000-07:00

so uninspired to write anything here.
but then i might never get started and i dont want this to die.

relieved that cts are over, most definitely. the prospect of prelims in 9 weeks is close to nauseating, but then again, i expected it, and it's not gonna be easy- esp since this time round ive learnt that focusing is really not my thing- but im gonna try. and damn well im gonna try my best.

results have been streaming in, history's a well maintained B, and as much as im impeccably envious of those who managed to ease an A, i think it's not impossible for me. and that's why im gonna work a hell lot harder- do my readings, read more, listen in lectures etcetera.

so far econs has indicated that i can pass. which is a good sign? i just wish i could rise above this trench that im perpetually stuck in. how im gonna get out i dont know, but this is my promise to myself. i guess promises are better left unsaid.

the rest are in limbo. gp lit math. i can only hope for the best i guess. oh and the asses! lit ass was fun after all, and so was hist ass, despite the nerve wrecking hours before the tests, i actually found myself engaging in some real intellectual intercourse- and i enjoy intercourse. so there! will i pull out? i need to take a step back when all the results are confirmed i suppose. for now, i need to try and enjoy whatever free time i have left.

there's always that need to like burn out whatever time i have. to just live it to the fullest. and that's been my mentality ever since jc. but you know, this year's really no joke. and i think much as i would like to avoid it, and as much as i would like to procrastinate, i want to do what counts for once. im not really sure what that is. in fact im very much oscillating between taking time off and devoting it to the books or what not. i had plans, after cts, to read widely, to broaden my knowledge, to have lots of fun, to go out more, to study hard, stay consistent- but it always seems you can never do what you want- at least not all of it, when you want it.

the magic word is balance.

im gonna strike it. for some reason this cts was a pretty trying moment for me- and cuz of that i have no idea how im gonna handle entire syllabi of all my subjects. well, after cts was a particularly low moment for me. there was hardly anyone to hang out with, for some reason- and not that i wanted to anyway. everyone else was having fun but i was just rotting alone. i managed a first swim in ages, and i swam all that pent up stress away. monday was supposed to be the best day ever in a long time, but it was a gathering that failed to live up to its hype. some were sick, some didnt come, many came late, had to leave halfway, and hardly anyone could stay over. i even just learnt that i was treated to this huge lie that day, and im sitting here wondering why i was so stupid as to have fallen for it. i should have known. but can i say i would have done differently? i really dont know.

sarah's house was warm and cosy and it was a nice afternoon of lots of eating in holland v, silly shopping that ended in me getting this felt-like polka dot shirt (dont ask me what colour!). then we watched hitchhiker's guide and marvin was just brilliant. morosely brilliant. dinner was probably the funnest part because gawin came over and we actually went grocery shoppping and did some coooking. cutting onions, chopping vege, tossing chicken chippolittas and stuff like that. and it was not bad at all! in fact it was really good, so thanks for a new experience i suppose. we never know what we can discover. night time we watched frasier, grey's anatomy, the usual monday tv fair, and finished off into the early morning with sliding doors :]

how coincidental! cd just played just missed the train by kelly clarkson, and i was talking abt sliding doors. aha. life must love me. except i dont know how much i love it back.

anw thanks sarah for your place, but now its up to someone like js to make sure the next one has more than 3 pple around at anyone time. oh i miss those days when we were all together and noone could take us away from each other. life was so much simpler then. probably happier too. but who am i to talk about life.

the start of regular school has been tiring- already, i know. really thankful that cca's out of my life. but i think im gonna have to make better use of my time. i can see how the next few weeks are gonna play out. lots of hard work and shaping up about to come my way- and im just gonna have to rise to the challenge, or get lost in it. i dont wanna lose.

after hist ass i wanted to join the 1b/13a peeps for bubble tea but somehow jean ramu and snee steered me towards island creamery. we had banana, nutella, apple pie and cookies & cream! had a really long talk. about life, the class dynamics, and many other miscellaneous things. really interesting stuff too. it never fails to amaze me how much we had inside to speak about. sometimes too many things are left unspoken of. i was in a pretty good mood after that actually. for those couple of hours i connected with those 3 on some utterly random level. and it was therapeutic, to say the least.

this week ended on that high note. no more hist ass looming in the background. birthday presents more or less finalized- haha. apart from nelly furtado's loose from power 98, i got:
sliding doors dvd + v for vendetta poster / snee&cc
the curious incident of the dog in the night-time + wooden basketball toy / alan
anansi boys / zee
g2000 dark blue shirt + photo collage / junyi
edgar allen poe's collection / jonk
kelly clarkson's thankful / nash
voodoo studies charm / liyana
another motorola handphone / parents
to all: thank you!

now that germany's out, i need to find a reason to go to shumin's house on sunday night. the reason will be the class, i suppose. i really enjoyed moments of spontaneity on class's part this week. the basketball game after rolly, before lit s, totally crazy wild fun i havent had in a long while. and the prata house lunch that i followed on impulse. but what will last will last, and what won't, cant be helped.

shibani tags:
Once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 6 weird facts/things/habits about yourself, saying who tagged you. In the end you need to choose the 5 people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs.

1. i live on paper. i smell every set of notes im given, and i kiss my exam scripts before handing them in- superstition.

2. ive always wanted a pet! like a dog who will always be there for me. i need my wellington.

3. i study in my storeroom. that got me through the toughest of times. and tougher times lie ahead.

4. i brush my tongue everytime i brush until i get the vomit sensation then i stop. it wakes me up and cleans my mouth ten times better!

5. i have yet to open my ipod video or drink my barcardi breezer.

6. before i bathe, i am sam. after i bathe, i am jo.

I tag : (all girls, cuz guys dont update)
1. xtine
2. snee
3. liyana
4. jean
5. ashlee simpson

"i think people believe in heaven because they dont like the idea of dying, because they want to carry on living and they dont like the idea that other people will move into their house and put their things into the rubbish."

i pray for YOU.

more to life

2006-07-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

i have the weirdest dreams. (but then we all do)

last night's was a long one- possibly many, but i cant remember anw- involving this navy ship i was on and there was a chase and some competition btwn another captain and i. chaos water ship "goal" from outside sleep sleep dream on.

on tuesday afternoon it was particularly queer. there was kwok, reeves, talking about us students not needing a part b. later was revealed to be the r formula of math, the part that finds tangent- a over b. it was some japanese like setting, and i was in a restaurant. went out with someone, came back saw a couple kissing outside and my grandfather was inside and so was doreenang. and then we took some group photo. snap. flash.

maybe that's why dreams dont make sense. because they cant, or all our realities will crumble at its ability to distort what is stable, in order, and ideal. but then again its all one, whether i tell you or not.

" it seems to me i am trying to tell you a dream- making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise, and bewilderment in a tremor o struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is of the very essence of dreams...."

"we live, as we dream- alone..."

i sit here sincerely helplessly old as i am helplessly young.
there is really nothing left to talk about. not now.

we were more than just friends. we were chasing down every temporary high.

june nineteen

2006-06-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

And this life is a beautiful one
And though I seen it comin undone
Well I know most definitely
It always works out the way it’s meant to be
So baby keep your head up
Keep it on the up and up
And know that you got all my
Love love love

one day passes so quickly, and there's so much to be thankful for. million thanks to all who made today special for me- in any little way. you know who you are!

my dear family esp mum & dad, hanyi navjote snee shum liy matthew/ynwa dani ramu waikit jean jenny xtine beli zongjin glenc aysuria shib yeeler elly iz junyi leslie ajit js cc russell/adam ziing gavin jonk zee uglen alan nash trix kalpana jerrine huanna stef wespank.

i ought not to have missed anyone out- because i write (mostly on hotel paper).

you're all loved, all of you. and here's to another year. a new beginning of sorts. it pains me not to be able to while away more time here. but alice brenda cindy edgar fred gary hector and ian are waiting for me, and i have to go. (see p&c revision tutorial pg2)

haha so there's that! ive been pretty lonely this whole hols, just the world cup, math and me. the surprise really more than made up for it all. here's to a smooth time ahead, for everyone! thanks for being so selfless and sparing a bit of thought for those around you. this is what we should do, always. because it makes them feel special.

trust me, i know :]

the mechanical contrivium

2006-06-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Sam jo!

Japan provides over thirty percent of the world's sam jo supply.
If you drop sam jo from the top of the Empire State Building, he will be falling fast enough to kill before reaching the ground.
South Australia was the first place to allow sam jo to stand for parliament.
Native Americans never actually ate sam jo; killing such a timid prey was thought to indicate laziness.
The fingerprints of sam jo are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene!
You would have to dig through four thousand kilometres of sam jo to reach the earth's core.
Sam jo can taste with his feet.
The difference between sam jo and a village is that sam jo does not have a church.
Sam jo has 118 ridges around the edge.
More people are killed by sam jo each year than die in aeroplane accidents!

forever charmed

2006-06-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

when i think back on those times i think about where ive been and what ive done and i think to myself what a life ive lead. and what a life i have led but to follow the lives of people i never thought i would get to know but grew to love all the same, even if these people arent real.

charmed was phenomenal tonight. and it's really surreal what an amazing journey it's been, and how it ended all in one episode. i rmbr i didnt even fancy the show when prue was still alive but season 4 started and it was kind of fitting that as it began on a fresh note i started watching it too. and what a magical experience these four years have been. i never quite saw smthing like that before- what with energy balls and psychic visions and time stopping and orbing and spell casting...the list goes on. i seriously didnt know how to feel when everything was wrapped up in the last 15 minutes, flashing forward to their futures and how they all got their peaceful happy endings with children and love and how the future generations took on the mantle. it didnt seem right that all the past eight years should end just like that- because for the past few seasons everyone thought that the finales were good endings to boot, but they kepy coming back for more.

thank god for that. today's episode was one of the best, even though i didnt think so at first. what i was looking for was some emotional dramatic finale with lots of grieving and magic manouevring. that happened, but not to the extent i wouldve preferred. but then now i look back on it and think, was that what i really wanted? that wouldve made it like all the other finales, and there wouldnt be enough time to address the emotional issues of the characters. this show did just that- it went deep down into the characters and showed us how after all these years the family bond prevailed all odds to survive at long last. the book of shadows was a comforting familiar sight to behold, and the last scene where all three of them wrote in it was just a tear jerker- voiceovers and a glimpse into their futures. piper finally got her restaurant and leo to play scrabble with, phoebe found true love with coop published her book on finding love, and paige had a successful balance of marriage and magic, embracing her inner whitelighter and teacher. it was nice to see how all three of them had children of their own too, and how leo went back to magic school to teach, and grams and patty coming back to help. one sad ending was billie's however- when she vanquished her sister the anguish that overcame her was extremely unimaginable- cant imagine how it mustve felt. it looked as if she cried blood. at times we have to wonder if what christie said was right- were the charmed ones really too selfish? i guess after all that christie put them through she deserved to die- but not at billie's expense? that's smthing that will never be resolved i suppose. i guess it was a sister that billie was never destined to have.

the travelling back in time was made less cool by the silly cupid ring, but it made us realize that what binds us ultimately is love, and that put simply, everything starts somewhere. going back in time was great in observing how so many things have changed in the charmed ones' lifetime. the deaths, the losses, the separations and strifes. there's nothing to measure what they've accomplished all this time. and i might sound extremely silly treating this like it's some real story- well it isnt, but suffice to say it has inspired me all the same. it wldnt have been the same without all the hocus pocus, and im so thankful that i embarked on this journey, which was lonely most of the time, with not many others watching it as well.

when the old piper and leo walked past the new photos on the wall and the really sad music played, it was just that lingering feeling of soaking up the last moments for what they were worth. i liked how they showed piper cooking again with the port, just as she did and froze time with in the first episode ever. and how her granddaughter closed the door with her mind, just as prue did at the end of something wicca this way comes. one thing to note was they didnt really use their powers in this episode, but that didnt really matter. for once it wasnt about their powers, but as the showmakers have been trying to tell us all the time- they too are humans, and this gift can sometimes be a curse- this time it was about their lives, and what it was living them. if they were real they would have touched so mant lives. i only wished prue and cole and darrell returned, but alas it wasnt meant to be. but really at the end of the day it truly didnt matter. the end was just a mess of tears inside that made us the viewers appreciate it for what it was and how it was. it was a simple affair, a happy ending that was not cheesy, that they so deserved.

perhaps i have to thank charmed for making this whole thing so real to me. because you gave me strength to believe that there is a little kind of magic in all of us, and that like them whatever magic we do in our lives, hopefully we will live to see the fruits of it and enjoy life happily ever after. the charmed ones got the chance to revisit the past and travel to the future (and perhaps that makes it all the more emotional- can u imagine seeing yourself when you were little, like how piper saw herself with grams? or in the future, your kids coming to visit you like chris and wyatt?)- well, we cant really do that, so im just reminded of how much i have to cherish the now. charmed...forever. thanks for the ride of a lifetime. i really dont know how to compare you with just shoot me but let's just say last episodes always find me in a soppy mood. why oh why do good things have to come to an end? well, i just felt i needed to pay tribute to this hellagood show. no more fantasies for me now. it's the cold hard reality of life. how i wish i could stop time.

we live in the flicker

2006-06-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

so tell me what ive been doing for the past week or so.
erm rmuning, slacking, slacking, slacking. which really pretty much sums up everything! given that i promised myself this would be the most productive june holidays ever, i think im gonna let myself down again. why do i have to do this? i can tell that if i dont buck up this time round my mom's gonna be very disappointed too. she's been talking abt me studying and stuff. but no i choose to sleep and watch tv and i dont get why the urgency aint sinking in. at all. argh i just feel like crap when i know i cldve accomplished so much more. there's this car ad on tv which talks abt time. and how we want it to stop and fly or whatever. yes time i need you to rewindd. i dont get why im losing grip and now i only see two weeks before me which is nothing compared to what i have to cram in. this is why i hate myself. and i feel extremely pressed in now. that sinking feeling in the chest. like. i. cant. breathe. my back's been giving me some problems so my left chest isnt exactly painlesss when i inhale. oh yeah that reminds me i feel guilty abt not exercising too. i dont cherish time enough. i dont know what the hell im doing. with. myself.

but you see i also promised myself i would rest. considering the first week was spent on sats and the second on rmun, i think im entitled to all the tv i want- no? well, not when everyone else seems to remind you about the looming cts. and watching The Scholar only motivates me and makes me wanna get off my lazy ass and do some serious stuff. but suffice to say i have no more excuses left. my cca life is officially over, save for a handover ceremony for mt, but other than that, rmun was it.

you know, muns always have me in hesitation the day before. i really feel like pulling out each time cuz i shrink to become this cowardly amoeba who wld rather have no face and form so he wldnt be recognized. but then i attend the mun and it changes my life, in some ways. and i need to thank so many pple this time round. thanks snee for giving me the chance to head press corps! it was my first mun post last year, and boy have i grown with it, what with hmun and all. it's seriously my passion in the mun and nothing can compare to it. there's smthing so underrated abt press corps i swear- and pple dont always appreciate the hardwork that goes into it. i mean seriously- our deadlines are impossible but we still achieve it. well all i have to say is it may not be as "intellectual" as some pple might put it (how snobbish of you, btw), but it has so much more in other respects. i needa thank the amazing team this year- hoho, jenny & yanci for being the bestest coeditors i cldve asked for. made my job so much easier. and the team this year was simply amazing. i hope they had as much fun as i did. well, since i was a hermit in comlab2 most of the time, i can only suppose everyone else had fun too, and i guess it was a really fulfilling experience for us organizers too. kudos to the functioning portions of the hissoc exco who pulled this off, and so many friends and classmates- amazing job! jean i will always rmbr the crisis video filming and you waiting for me and yousendit, huiting our ex-presscorps experience and this time you running around doing everything snee wasnt, lawrence for letting me know a different side of you and our av ventures, stef for being such a great coemcee! and navjote and cc and zhifeng and aysuria and shumin aiyah everybody lah. oh yes musnt forget mr kwok, our un chameleon. btw the longstanding rumour that i have a lookalike culminated in walter and i finally acknowledging that we bear some sort of resemblance to each other. btw i do believe that we all have a twin somewhere out there waiting for each of us, and this guy came the closest for me. haha. well rmun has taught me so so much, be it self taught or whatever. a pity i couldnt make it for d&d, but im sure it was great- everyone said so!

instead i spent time with my family at grandma's bday dinner! it was a modest keppel club chinese restaurant dinner- but it gave me time to settle down and i dunno recuperate? my shoes unceremoniously cracked on me (cc style) btw, so i had to dump it after doing an old man in peru limerick parody. which brings me to the point of needing new clothes and shoes and new everything. fine call me materialistic but as i was saying- i dont think ive a bad fashion sense, it's just that i dont have enough to mix and match around with. ah nvm. im not gonna be anything other than me. i dont wanna be.

it was more or less friends week also, with cc and alan for badminton and table tennis on monday, and cc pissing me off in many ways. but im not one to bear grudges so im gonna let go and forget. thanks to alan for the superman kfc buddy meal and shopping at big bookshop after that- haha, rediscovering the magic of big bookshop. i sorta idled my tuesday away and found myself lacking sleep over the rmun days. i think if there's one thing to be proud of rmun this year it's the fact that we sent the reporters feedback on their writing after editing. i enjoy helping pple on a learning curve i suppose.

saturday was the day i was pretty much looking forward to the whole hols i suppose. jonk's bday outing. we started off at plaza sing's mac's for breakfast at my suggestion. roamed around pretty much and trooped down to marina square for our x3 movie! nash and cc joined us and it was jolly good fun finally catching that movie which so many pple had spoilt for me. all i can say is mystique rawks and she's a kickass babe no matter human or mutant! in fact i felt for her the most- magneto betraying her and all. grrr. anyhow the whole movie was too short. wldve appreciated more action and the buildup wasnt there. phoenix was the best no doubt but when cyclops died i was like wthh and professor x too i mean you better give us a 4th installment esp after that teaser after the credits!!! and i want magneto and mystique to come back! and jean and scott and charles! ok basically all who died. oh i just cant believe it's over. maybe i just didnt want to watch it so it didnt have to end. it's gonna be a long wait now.

anw we went to a lot of places but pretty much accomplishing nothing but eating and slacking and talking i guess. stopped by the arcade where nash got trashed by the cheena bitch shion in kof11. ahahaha! i cant wait to play again! for dinner we settled for kenny rogers, and i got my chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pie! ambience was pretty cool esp with the red lights and all. it was a fuzzy feeling i guess. the kind that you get when you know that for once time is on your side. even if just for one night. made our way to esplanade and passed my this weird harmonic whirlie performance. there was a cool live painting thing going on too...after the presents we went to mos burger but i felt so guilty i got a small piece of strawberry shortcake for jonk- and i really soaked in the few seconds for which we sand happy bday in whispers. it was so intimate and powerful, with just one flickering candle as our focus- as conrad wrote, "we live in the flicker". following which was a very heartfelt conversation which depth i felt couldve have been more consistent throughout our friendship- now that there's barely a few months of jc left it somehow seems, once more, a race against time, to know each other all over again, before we part our ways.

i dont know if there is such a thing as friendship that lasts forever. but i think im gonna try and find out. for now i needa sort out this abhorrent lifestyle that i am leading- sleeping for 3/4 of the day. and then i will bounce back, and gain the momentum i need, and the results that i deserve (while enjoying what's left of this holiday, i suppose). germany!

invisible

2006-06-03T07:31:00.000-07:00

SATs are over!
it's been a week of SATs SATs SATs and seriously im extremely superbly relieved! so phew! there! haha.
been literally cooped up at home the entire week, and it all started on that faithful monday afternoon after the psycho thingyy. who wldve thought i would actually make it through the entire bio princeton review book? oh man looking back i think ive really achieved a lot in such a short time. and for all the effort ive invested, i must say that today it felt good knowing that i could actually do most of it and knowing that i worked my way there myself. from scratch.
so yeah im gonna give myself a pat on the back, no matter what the results say, i think ive tried and really tried and nothing's gonna change that.
there's this bad feeling about lit, but i guess it was a common consensus that lit was -_- i think the moral of the story is you cannot have a lit mcq exam! it's just wrongg. math was thankfully not as tough as the barron's papers, and i gave my all i really did. as for bio, let's just say i love the subject so much- wish i was taking it now actually- that i actually enjoyed sprouting scientific knowledge. so im hoping it went okay. you see the thing abt this is that any wrong answer would get you a penalty and gosh i really dont wanna think abt all those careless mistakes i probably made. alright im rambling but yes great thanks to jean and shib and jon for being such encouraging sat colleagues, let's hope we make it through champions! and honestly, a huge thank you to jonathan, for the encouragement, advice and zapping the bio book for me- trust me it helped so so much. thanks also to my sis and parents for being there! although the former spent most of her waking hours gloating and watching judging amy, it was nice to use her old books, as always. and to those i talked to today! denise, trish, snee, stef etc. wheee. it's over and no point dwelling i suppose. good luck to all of us!

i think i figured out why i missed project runway on wednesday!!! arghh. was mugging bio- sad i know- and also coupled with the fact that i had this sudden surge of fighting spirit after looking at my SAT reasoning scores. hmmm. let's just hope everything paid off :]

so it was one hawt week with very little distractions, except for the occasional distractions such as taylor's do i make you proud and mary j's one and nelly furtado's maneater! on youtube (good stuff), and of course ashleesimpson.net- new single dudeeees! invisible! catch this:
Making of the video for "Invisible" will air on June 19, 2006 and the video will world premiere on TRL that day too. Be sure to mark your calendars!

yea man my calendar's always marked on that day anw :]

so now it's time for a little bit of slacking and relaxing before i get started on the big cee tees. so much to do in so little time. im really excited to meet up with friends and just chill out. hmm. junyi mentioned smthing on his blog abt family and friends and whether i would spend time with family? i think i would actually. well, not on a daily basis- i think cuz we see them everyday we take them for granted?- yeah so im really excited when it comes to bday parties and dinners cuz i can see my cousins and grandparents and aunties and uncles and that makes me happy just seeing them i suppose. i used to be so excitable- i guess im less of that now but i wanna cherish it for all that i can and all that it's worthh

oh well before i forget, here are some random quotes from all over. sometimes we say the most darnest things, the funniest, the nicest and whatever it is, i guess they mean something. so here's to that.

[Soulstice] says:
you realise
[Soulstice] says:
that mcconnell's mum LABOURED to have him born today!
[Soulstice] says:
so labour day has diff meanings for all of us
my Labour Day is spent labouring

Till I regain my sanity. says:
don't be sorry. life goes on, however much we wish that for one moment, it will just stop.

jo ai piah jiah eh yiah! says:
i can't wear a lot of clothes
jo ai piah jiah eh yiah! says:
cos i'm flat
jo ai piah jiah eh yiah! says:
HA.
jo ai piah jiah eh yiah! says:
straight As.

junyi. you're says:
get me a lifesize doll

jo ai piah jiah eh yiah! says:
i like ur face when it's broody
jo ai piah jiah eh yiah! says:
you MUST be broody to be sexy

jo ai piah jiah eh yiah! says:
when you brood u hv a gravity that is incredible!!

lose my breath

2006-05-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

school's out!

this is why i hate junyi sometimes (aside from the fact that his mouth is an endless ghetto):

say you study only for 20 days (considering weekend breaks), and study a grand total of 8 hours each day, you will have 160 hours in total.

and then u take 4 subjects. and if each subject has an average of 20 topics (some like econs only have 4 but each topic is huge), then u have 80 topics to cover.

that leaves one with 2 hours to cover one topic.

that is provided u study for 8 hours a day and over 20 days and absorb every topic so there is no need to go back again to other topics.

and if u alr r going for holiday tt means no weekend break for u too.

and if it is 2 hours per topic, then it also means tt the only time left u have to do practice qns is in the other 10 days left from the holidays.

which means in actual fact we seem like we have a lot of time. but tt's not true.

good luck. and ggxx.

got it dude! we dont have much time time is ticking out we're gonna die ah screw it.
haha. i rmbr those days when i used to plagiarize junyi's blog entries. and he used to plagiarize mine! so what point am i making? he makes so much sense. ah and i wish he didnt.

so yeah school's out and we are fast approaching my favourite month of the year! june is summer june is rain june is everything im insane

today we had a psycho test. it was in all truthfulness, pathetic. im a sucker for time but i just do my best i guess. there's nothing i can achieve without being me. i hated it when i looked all around me and saw smart asses. i dont really like smart asses no more. maybe cuz im no longer one.

mrs perry said on the last day of school while discussing karlsbad caverns by ted hughes with 3 lucky students- "we make one big drama out of our lives". isnt that true? i find myself doing that so often. and when she said it i dunno. from a woman who has been through so much in her life, especially recently- it's crazy how sometimes we hype up the drama in our lives when all we actually want is less of it, and more of the peace. you know what i mean?

today's psycho test came with a personality test- by far the most intriguing thing ive done this holiday. rediscovering myself, i suppose. and i realize ive changed a lot, since the last test i took, that is. years ago i wouldve preferred seeking personal meaning in life over securing a job that pays well. but today, i chose the money. i dont know what's come over me- maybe im just growing up to practicality. but what happens to the young dreamer now! he floats away on a cloud of candy floss. and i cant figure questions which ask how others feel about me. well, ask them, not me! i dont know what others think of me. i wish pple would tell me more often. then maybe i would feel less incomplete. i hope im not living a life which depends on the approval of others. but often we do that- we seek comfort in knowing that other pple are behind us in what we do. but what happens to the ladder that sticks out now! it breaks a few rungs and topples to the ground. no more bad luck to incur. i couldnt tell if i was cooperative or assertive anymore. ced said im more cooperative. but you see, i wasnt always.

anyhow i just got reminded of how much i wanted to be an architect, and how im hungry now. today was also spent getting serious with sats 2, which im sitting for this jun 3. i feel demoralized now but i really hope things pick up and work out. i really want this to happen. i really want to work my way to a place ive earned. there is so much in me that wants to prove that im more than timed exams and a mediocre top dunno how many percent. but i also know if i go on like that im not going to survive a levels. i needa chill, and trust me i will- but also take comfort in the fact that im far from done- one of these days im gonna shine and shine on.

in this time and in this hour, i thank the powers that be for my aunt's safe return from the hospital. i dont think i will be wearing that yellow wrist band anytime soon now. she's okay, and that's all that matters. visiting my grandparents for the first time in dont know how long was saddening because i dont really talk and i just felt so helpless. it's like a withering plant you know that no amount of fertilizer or water can save. i only wish that before all the leaves drop and shrivel, i will have one to keep. i guess im far too selfish at this point. but i want to make this work.

i have really been neglecting my family.

i couldnt go to previous cousin's birthday dinner, and given she's one of the closer ones, i felt and still feel horrible. all because of that history s presentation. i wonder what my priorities in life will be eventually. will i become too consumed in my worklife? well it seems im on my way there already. so anw i managed the latest dinner and even though it was boring i felt happy to be there idling my time away- in pure family company. i find this to be one of those points when im drifting from my cousins again. argh. i dont know what to say.

anw over the dinner table the issue of sibling bullying came up. and across two family units there were clear parallels. except that my reactions grew increasingly much to the annoyance of my mom. but you see, if i have to blame anyone, i would not hesitate in blaming the very pple who made my childhood a nightmare. a wretched existence i wish i could paint over. in fact, if the conversation went on i know i wouldve cried. indignation was already beginning to secrete tears. tears of fears. tears of what i have kept inside me for so long. my dad asked, incredulously actually- "it bothers you?" wth? what do you think? "yes of course it bothers me? it always has" it's just that we dont always speak of it and you guys didnt control the other two and i was too young to defend myself or speak up because i was lost and all alone and nobody was there for me. this is sickening self pity and i shld stop it. but yes. it hurts, for the record. it still does. im glad i dont have to deal with it anymore. i hope.

live 938 came to school to talk about sex. i think pple shld stop being cynical and realize that you are not above all of this. thank you for giving me this education school and radio. i choose to be appreciative and not scornful. and proud. and conceited. oh man please let these pple come to their senses. today during psycho personality i said it was true that i pretend to be friendly to those i actually dislike. well, some of you. so beware and look in the mirror please. i dont want anything between us to explode ever.

so i resolve to spend the next few days diligently preparing for sats. and then it would be common tests full speed ahead. and i dont think i will have to look back. i appreciate all that has happened thus far in j2. ive actually accomplished quite a bit. at least on a personal level, and i must always be thankful for that. as much as im looking forward to consolidating my studies this summer, i cant wait to spend time with friends and family. oh have i dismissed this for too long. and i will try to build up my immunity and get that face working once more.

so why am i whiling away my time, 3am in the morning? well for one i dont have to wake up 3 hours later. secondly, erm i dunno. got carried away. which is why com sucks. sometimes. fatal addiction. but i will balance it from now on, i promise. i guess i just needed to collect my thoughts. those floating things that have inhabited my mind for the past few days over the past few weeks. ok how long has it been anyway? i lost count. we lose count.

why do we count at all?

argh crap stop thinking! ive been thinking so much over the past week it almost drove me crazy.
nevermind. school came to a very slack end because teachers were either in uk or what not. we celebrated ms lui's bday early (for june 14) and man all i can rmbr now is a lot of bumming around. but yeah it was pretty rough and if it wasnt for pple like shaun and shib i wldnt have made it through! so thanks for just being there, listening and talking!

i dont like the way my organizer shows that i have something on each week. it means there's no uninterrupted studying or what not. cuz there's this looking forward to the event kinda feeling if ure stuck in the middle. but yes, there's actually very little time if you think about it, but i will make do with what i have. i will not make the same mistake i made last year- wasting the hols away like nobody's business. somehow when the instalments are in weeks you feel your time here is much shorter than you think.

weeks are like almond cookies. they're gone before you know it!

hmm everyone's away nowadays. somewhere, doing their own thing. ccals are at camp, and others are having fun in the uk even as i type! grarrr. if nobody excites me then i shall excite myself. but you know what, other than the very unhealthily addictive youtube.com, i have my justshootme dvd to complete! yes from last year! and i saw wendie malick in jake in progress yesterday hahaha. and so many tv shows to watch. and there are pppps to look forward to! pray they happen. and for now i will hold off x3 till june 10 comes and we go out celebrate jonk's bday. oh man junyi why are you grounded!!!

i dont know what to do for my birthday ]:

maybe i wont.

p.s. grease was okay only. thanks to trix jean and cc for company.

p.s. taylor won ami and im happy!

p.s. i better go sleep before i fall sick, and wish me a fruitful week!

who am i talking to?

shifting where?

2006-05-21T06:30:00.000-07:00

hello. no more shifting gears. which im surprisedly aloof about right now. maybe one of these lonesome nights im gonna wish it all back to the start, and then i wouldnt feel so empty and lost.
but no, now i dont seem to have the luxury of doing that and feeling sorry for myself- not that i want to.

it was a splendid two nights, and i thought rp did itself real proud- everyone, from the actors to the front of house to the publicity to the backstage peeps to those in the tech box, and even ushers...well all i can say is it came together and i dont know but somehow i feel closer to so many of them now? and i know it wont last that long cuz a lot of such stuff survive for the moment and once the moment's gone then we lose it too, but yes it's an amazing feeling to begin with and it'll be silly not to cherish it while we can.

thank you to all my friends on stage who acted and with each power play made me choke back tears of joy! you were all so gooooooood. there was so much energy and oomph i really didnt want it to end. i was transfixed myself- equally entertained as the audience were. so kudos to you. and you, and you! and it's so comforting working with pple and doing the little things- be it cutting foil gears and blutacking them up painstakingly, or designing the bloody programme till 4am, or painting the toy box, or carrying sets over...whatever it is, i really miss it and it has really really not yet sunk in that that was probably my last time in smthing like that! i dont even want to get started with the names but im glad i took photos with everyone so the memories stay with me...togetha, foreva! if i had just one small little thing i could hold on to at the end of this journey, this new chapter that isnt so new after all, it would be this whole experience in rp and i daresay im really glad i joined in jc cuz it has made my life so much more fruitful.

i need to thank not only rp but also those who appreciated the behind the scenes work, cuz that's smthing that isnt always recognized and given enough credit for- but well, pple worked their butts off for that. so yes thanks for the suppportive audience and friends who came :] i really wanna hug all of you again.

it seems like i cant really be specific here, and i dont know why, but all i really wanna say is thank you. thank you for making me the better person that i am, and for giving me so much more than i could have ever wished for.

for once i dont feel obliged to blog about so many things- all the things that happened these past few weeks. maybe im just a coward who cant face up to the fact that his life is going full speed and he hasnt even woken up from it yet. and maybe he cant stand staring at the days ahead of him knowing that there's so much pressing in on him. maybe im just scared.

"if i could tell the world just one thing it would be
we're all okay"

sarah

2006-05-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

okay i figured i better blog before a new week starts and i get all caught up in a whirlwind that i call my life. this is crazy, really. sometimes i wonder why i push myself to ridiculous limits and for what, you know. like why do i even bother?

there is a good two weeks to update on but as far as i can remember i didnt cover nash's and junyi's bday dinner. we had it on a friday and despite having tons ahead of me (oh i had no idea) we took some time off together to relax and dine out at cartel. a pity it wasnt nash's real bday but it was good while it lasted- those few precious hours before we rushed off for performances and what not. i made the cards for the both of them, haha, which im immensely proud of cuz i did it magazine cut out collage style which is smthing basic that i enjoy returning to once in a while. the surprise was mostly gone by the time we presented nash with the card and he was even demanding that we cut the cake fast. which was like -_- haha. but junyi didnt expect the card i guess and such a pity only 3 pple signed it. you see only jonk alan nash junyi and i were there. junyi did the cutting bread thing which was so reminiscent of him cooking maize and barbecuing at cavendish park some years back (gosh it's been years) as i turned around to take a photo. btw ms kelly's baby elise is soooooooooooo kewt and adorable i wanna squish her...erm ok but yes the pictures say it all- im so glad the family's doing fine now. i wanna visit so many pple. anyhow we sorta ordered our stuff and chatted abt i dunno what- you see it happens- you chat abt so many things and laugh so much and you cherish that experience but why issit you tend to forget the specifics? maybe the specifics dont really matter in retrospects- what matter's is that they came naturally and that was why moments can be so magical and timeless and unforgettable despite being forgettable at parts. yeah yeah im not making sense but yes we had fun, shared good food, and played an extremely weird round of "i have never" which was really really revealing but i shant go further, ahem. we should get together again soon yeah?

BECAUSE blogspot is BLOODY LOUSY at recovering posts, and my STUPID COMPUTER has some STUPID fetish for konking on ME, im retyping the rest of the entry which is SHIT now because i HATE how i cant sleep early now and it's gonna lead to one whole vicious cycle!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

went for cdc with jonk after that and i must say i was suitably impressed. kudos to everyone really (esp those i know: george, liansheng, js, weiping, xixun, phoebe etc) because it was a remarkable experience watching- so experimental in lights and sounds and direction and the sets and props were all so chio and dazzling. i thoroughly enjoyed myself- a good cultured night out considering i cld still understand most of the chinese, haha. and ms heng was there too! im so glad things are going fine with her as well, and her husband! so anw it was rather late when i got back. waited for my father and he finally came in this ridiculous SUV with the company logo all over it haha but thankfully it wasn’t my new car but just a loan for the SUVival challenge. cool stuff but i was so sleepy i just slept the whole night away. it was a night well spent. now it's RP's turn to steal the stage and claim back the limelight! SHIFTING GEARS Doublebill 19/20may 7.30pm PAC $10 only!

may day weekend was spent doing work and catching up on things. i did kwok's sbq, mac's marlow, sats and some math. which made me feel real good abt myself. oh and i did design, which i was soon to realize i was gonna get too much of. basically the rest of the week saw me sleeping past 4am per night, except for one 1am plus night all the way from monday to friday. i was pretty zonked out by the end despite my looking all perky and stuff. sometimes i wonder how i keep up that facade of being so bubbly and happy and energetic and querky inside when actually all i wanna do is fall down and sleep sometimes. like you know, just relax and chill it all away. on thursday night when econs case study and design clashed pretty badly and i really didnt want to sleep late but mrs butler called and launched on me this whole slew of changes i really felt depressed and really almost cried. i guess the only thing that stopped me from doing just that was my fatigue. anyhow friday was a considerably early day for me as i took the afternoon off design for sats- but ended up sleeping haha and waking up, but it was just a lazy cosy night you know, doing nothing, just feeling content and languid and lackadaiscal- and not feeling abd abt it cuz the break was well deserved i guess. slept past 12 which was almost a taboo but the moment i hopped in i was morpheus's again.

SATs. njc. met pple like jonk zhifeng jonong amy lloyd cheryl zengyu aloysius and kenny. in short the invigilators were horrible- firstly scolding kenny and me for talking (during the names shading for heaven's sake!) and later starting the test section before half of the hall came back from the toilet break- stupid inconsiderate crabs i tell you. considering we were their guests i expected some decent form of hospitality but they were complete robots and unfeeling creatures. i wld go further, but karma beckons. the test was only so-so for me. i really wanna do well for it but i dont think i did my best. i hope i did well enough for me not to be disappointed but then again i dont really know what i want do i? haha what would it take to satisfy a guy like me? erm...haha. you know what i really dont want to take it again. well i can only hope for the best now. sats2 coming up in june, and im gonna ace it! im determined to! mathlitbio here i come!

anw rushed back home and did design again all afternoon but to my dismay not everything was in so i cldnt finish all in time and had to rush out of the house and was late in meeting zee at drama centre for aspects of love. anw had nice dinner with parents at hans too bad it was a quickie and i wouldve loved to spend more time with them. i just wish mahjoing didnt come up so often and maybe next time i just need to be nicer and not be so moody ahh i feel bad now but nvm yes we parted on a good note. anw the musical was bleahhh. nice at parts- i liked the love changes everything song and some actors like george and julietta and i liked how it was considerably small scale and had a cosy feel about it- live piano players, blackout scene changes (haha all sounding like drama feste) and easeful tunes whose melodies kept ringing our heads way after it was over. what i didnt like was how weird the music was at times, even zee said it was not impressive and he could see why it wasnt as popular as phantom, being andrew lloyd webber and all. but one thing to note- he only did the music which was actually the show's saving grace for most parts- the acting was not excellent- the leads i didnt like the way they sang it seemed as though they were trying too hard to pronounce the words and sing rather than act and convey the approporiate emotions throughout. so it was a very detached performance i felt, plus the plot was extremely bizarre, weird, off, or what you will. man falls in love with actress, actress elopes with man, actress falls in love with man's uncle, actress runs away, marries man's uncle, uncle has mistress italian sculptress, who then joins in with uncle and actress in some happy threesome, two women kiss (why it was minimum age 14 i dunno) for no seeming reason, actress has daughter with man's uncle, daughter grows up and falls in love with man who still loves her mum, uncle gets jealous and dies of heart attack and it ends with how love never really leaves you quite the same. indeed, love changes everything, and seeing is believing. but i could not believe my eyes when it all unfolded before me. super uncanny chain of events but i guess they were aspects of love that i dont understand at this stage of my life. hmm i must watch it again- it always makes more sense after you sort it all out, and i can sense so much potential and magic from within. monique wilson did a good job however i must credit her for her strong charm of a voice but her direction was lacklustre to say the least. i appreciated the age transition scene and the human sculptures idea and the colourful circus scene etc but it just didnt wow me as a whole. the ensemble was also repulsive and mostly unimpressive. but i enjoyed myself- just relaxing the night away. zee and i thought we saw mrs perry, haha, but it was a fake-o. after that we walked and mrted home and it was nice talking to him after so long, and watching the neon glow of that glider soaring through the sky, like it was my hopes and dreams running past by me. it was like the quiet moments ive been having to myself- today at the lift lobby, the strong wind blowing and lifting me up, me and my spirits. and today after dinner lying quietly in my bed feeling the night slide by like a giant blanket that i have to wake up from beneath one of these days. anyhow, it was a nice long chat and i guess like i told zee and not anyone else yet, im so glad it's all gonna be over soon. and then maybe i can be less inhibited and be so truly happy for once. strange how it ties in with rp's college play shifting. the irony that life presents us with. coffee, tea, or me?

speaking of all that design and rediscovering art, was talking to terence and i realized i would actually do it all over again, no matter how bloody stressful. thing is, i love doing art and knowing that at times when im lonely and sad i can always fall back on it with a little pencil doodle or photoshop tweaking, it really makes me feel good about myself and i enjoy sharing what i do with everyone else. so yes, that said abt art, it was my last day with art club on wed. pretty sad i know. i was guilty but it was worth the effort going- come on, my last chance ever?! plus ive already let down so many friends in there like ruth and beixi i thank them for being so understanding and so kind but yes i ought to have contributed more and not treat it like some come and go cca. well i tried not to, i guess trying wasnt enough. argh. anw not the time for regrets. it was all over that day. i almost collapsed at the exhibition given it was a late hot afternoon and i was sustaining on a 4am night. really didnt bode well plus mr chia was speaking to us and you know how he speaks...s-l-o-w-l-y! haha but he's so inspiring and i respect him for that. really. so sad he only came this year and this year happened to be my absolute ad hoc year. i didnt stay for dinner, but it was all good. i will miss all of them, thank you for making my bright eyed enthusiastic embark on this artistic route end on a better note than it should have- i will just follow mr chia's advice and start a scrapbook. beixi inspired this too, so i thank her and her amazing godlike drawings. was so tired by then but i still got work calls. thank god for the early bus home.

moor tarbet meeting on tuesday i think. house capt speeches went pretty well i thought. now results will be out tmr. funny how at the same time GE is going on. but oh elections. did i mention im politically apathetic? now i have. no apologies. haha anw our whole house comm was there and so could take complete photo right?! wrong! glen liua ran awayyy argghhh. so we had to do without him. grrrr. anyway we met again on thurs in an attempt to wrap things up and it looks like we wont be seeing the last of each other just as yet. man i dont want it to end. but it will, soon, "and im ready, ready as i can be, which isnt saying much i guess".

and you know, my friend, i hope it isnt happening again, because if so i want to know why and i really wish things were different.

thanks to shirin for her inside info, i now know that nelly furtado is all set to get promiscuous with her new album loose, coming this june! haha hint for birthday presents!!! but seriously im so excited- i have her first two cds which are so eclectic and excellent. she looks set to abandon her folklore side of things and once again make us go whoa!nelly by really letting loose. without further ado, check it (her) out!

now for a very special segment: about a girl named sarah.

sarah is a girl from school whom ive fallen in love with, well, not literally that is. then again what is love? haha. but yes, charming as she is, she has touched so many pple's lives including mine. ive always heard abt her but never quite got to know her until our paths crossed in RP's Threesome, where she played Jessica and I played Anthony in The Roadrunners.

Our first rehearsal together on that scene with both of us alone was amazing- cc the director didnt have to do much wrt to our chemsitry because we had it man! it was there spanking and all natural and ready to go. funny thing is we didnt know each other that well, but through our lines, i got to know the real her, and as much as i wldve loved to meet jessica, sarah's a million times better! she keeps calling me sweety and sexie but you know what she's the real sweetheart and bombshell cuz she has a heart of gold and looks that will hypnotize you *faints* she's also a dancer, a line which gives her so much grace and groovy moves that i admire her for.

i may not be religious but she is one person who has managed to move me with her staunch belief in her faith, and i respect her so so much for that. i rmbr the time she prayed for us before we went on stage. holding hands- i felt her spirit connect with ours! in short, she has truly been inspiring and im so thankful i know someone as beautiful (inside and out) as her. i know now that you can never really judge a person until you know them. i know her now, and my judgement is she's just an ordinary girl with an extraordinary heart.

she's forever frank and open, and i try to keep her happy because that's when she's at her best! she likes cats, unlike my other dear friend xtine, and her acting as Jessica has proved she can be one feisty feline herself. whatever it is, sarah, you are loved, and please, despite us not seeing each other that often, despite us not having orientation to goof around with each other and lock hands from the GO to the hall, despite us not acting together anymore (although, you never know do you?)- dont ever forget our pact to meet up for tea sometime in the future. thank you for you. (p.s. sorry i could not go for Amarante- but im sure you were magnificent, as you always are)

2006-05-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

i feel like crying ;[

chernobyl

2006-04-26T10:58:00.000-07:00

what about chernobyl?
what about deprivation?
we dont know

time is ticking out.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12489639/
http://todayspictures.slate.com/inmotion/essay_chernobyl/?GT1=8019

life this week has been one $1 ice cream a day, watching reruns of holland v, which means reaching home before sunset! it felt good leaving immediately after school on tuesday.

but my habit of sleeping in the afternoon has returned. i guess it's better than sustaining on purely 3 hrs of sleep per day, but it really rips time from me. and time is something which i desperately need more of- even when ccas are beginning to fade away.

today i went for art club for the first time in god knows how long. elections- how quick. i must say it was quite heartening to see some people so humble and with so much passion. i really appreciate the truly humble, guileless people. they might be meek, shy, but there is something about them that sometimes makes me feel ashamed of my outspokenness. but i guess we are all different. anyway, it was probably my second art club attendance of the year, and my second last. found out that next week will be the last time for oldtimers like us. i really regret not developing my interest in art- today mr chia's talk was longwinded and at times inarticulate but he really makes a lot of sense and i respect him because he managed to inspire me. i think it's about time i reshuffled my priorities and start enriching myself all over again. but more of that later.

met heather and junxing after that- a rainy afternoon and all of us took the same bus home. realized i missed the second of three ra workshops, which means i have one left to redeem myself, and an overdue article to write- but here's the catch, ra and art are both on wednesday. and next week's art finale will be some german pollen artist exhibition- which sounds way too fun to miss. i suck with committments. anyway, so much can change in one year. and i wish i spent more time with some people- because sometimes when you see them again after so long- so much has gone on without you knowing. like your knowledge of them freezes with your last encounter, and ignorance isnt always a good thing.

anyhow my sats are in a week and im hopelessly behind schedule. but i think i can pull through if i try. dance night i will miss- but i hope it will pay off. going for cdc already, and i have to support ray in her co endeavour. oh gosh i have so many things to say- i guess i can never keep it short. but yeah this monday was junyi's bday, and im glad navjote took the initiative- so sweet a friend to have. i hope junyi had fun- it was a surprise gathering at the flag pole, with presents and cake- leslie gave him a cake facial, and i still owe him a present. true that. haha. and i need to get someone else a present too, just to remind her that i care.

all of us are growing up. nash's bday will be this saturday- and honestly it's all too quick. some pple i know- their bdays just elude me. rather, we dont bother to find out do we. i guess we cant do all, but i know it wld make all the difference to me if pple actually rmbrd- no matter how obscure an acquaintance you are to me. more on this soon- im looking forward to and cherishing every friendship gathering or moments now.

if my ice cream plan pulls through i shld be able to gain some weight. plus im very into the canteen cheng teng- im glad the class is very much in agreement that the western stall sucks anyway and the aunty is super stingy. in the first place- chengteng and western stall dont go, dodos. haha is this biting the hand that feeds me? ahhh.

i think i can be conscientious from now on. it wont be easy, but i see myself making better use of time. the computer will be my biggest challenge, but i shall persevere! in terms of televison, other than holland v, no new distractions. im safely resisting so you think you can dance. it's very sad though, that charmed will be ending its run after this season. for real. i only started in season 4, but it has brought me on this amazing journey. i guess it's like just shoot me- they just leave us viewers hanging and kicking and screaming for more. so many dvds i wanna buy. charmed, grey's anatomy, pieces of april, duets. the latter i can get for 2for$30 at borders so i might just use my voucher zomg it just dawned on me! now my lit s is really screwed haha. coem on save me what books what books?! talking more to christine nowadays and i wanna watch more nip/tuck.

been reaching school late every single morning- it sucks, esp when the pe teacher gives u a chance and you show up sheepishly the next day in front of her again. plus mac was irritated with the class today o_O rare indeed. i will make it a point not to be late for anything ever again. watch me on this- and stop laughing. it's my grand plan to become a better person overall :] yes i will be more hardworking, enrich myself more, be more concerned about others, be carefree and open in nature, and eat more icecream. jean we have to fulfil our island creamery fantasy soon please. ok and sleep more too. here goes.

it's just a ride it's just a ride
but dont forget enjoy the ride

dare

2006-04-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

welcome to the planet
welcome to existence
everyone's here
everybody's watching you now
everybody waits for you now
what happens next?

it's barely past 8am and im awake. despite having slept the whole of yesterday away, through dinner and through the night, i like the feeling now. that for once time is seemingly on my side. that i have the whole quiet morning to myself. that instead of feeling wretched abt the waste of time at least im awake now, fully rested, and ready to take on the new week. i ought to feel wretched abt throwing yesterday behind me but i needed that i suppose.

i really enjoyed yesterday. to think i was worried that it would take away most of my saturday- well it did, but im not caught up with that now. dragonboating was fun- the mt bunch was a great group to be with. i felt the common spirit surge within us- and it was all in good fun, no real competitive motivation. jumping into the water was hilarious and we just lived for the moment. even ms chen learnt to let go. i thought it was truly a magical time- the ice broke, laughter erupted and water splashed like fire.

it felt a little weird being there, intruding on them- after all it was a council camp. that's why junyi didnt wanna be there? but i guess im not one who lets go easily. and you can ask me for my honest opinion on the new structure and i would say obviously housecomm has been swallowed by council. oh bring me to justice for this you rats but yeah come on look at it. my only hope is that the house spirit will just be strong enough to ring throughout. personally im not very sure about school spirit. im very sure we have one, i can feel it in my bones, but if the rationale is to build school spirit through house spirit then how is the new system serving this purpose? will house spirit be something more than an echo or a convenient adhoc inspiration? im not saying it should be the prime motivation, but i really feel it was meant for so much more.

im confident this new batch can do wonders with the house spirit though, so it's their stage now. i just hope they're doing it for the right reasons. unlike some of the current batch. it's one whole big irony if you think about it- but then we are pessimists. and i shall strive not to be one. most of the time i dont have an opinion on such things- i tend to remain neutral, but when my heart speaks up there's no stopping it. long live MT!

guitar's ex-animo was another highlight. i think it helped me a lot- helped me slow down, even if just for a night, and helped me appreciate the music, and hence appreciating the pple who have been making the music for so long without me cherishing their effort enough. jonathan and alan (with xx) you guys were great. im unimaginably proud of them. and the other nice peeps in guitar too- so many of them- james, joel, weiqi, huankiat, liyi, victor, ronnie, hanlong etc. it was like a little 4d reunion too, what with jermyn and glen and jared helping out too. this also helped me break another barrier, and emceeing with snee was really a joyful learning experience. couldnt have asked for a better one. before i forget, my wardrobe was sponsored by the following: junyi (shoes, coat), my dad (pants, tie), and myself (shirt, socks, belt, underwear). so yes thank you all thank you! im glad i took this up- it was a gamble that paid off :]

dreamix will forever be my one true regret this year. regret that i didnt put in more effort into it when i couldve. i admit i was overcommitted to lots of places, but at times i simply adopted the attitude of not giving a damn. and after this experience, esp the day itself, seeing how pple like tetty and diana and enhui were so earnest in pushing for it, i felt bad. i guess i did what i could to help out on that day- walk in sales were fantastic, but then again things cldve been so much better too. but i guess this was a learning experience. when i lost my certificate i didnt really dare to look for it cause i didnt feel i deserved it. it's so weird. when i found it i got excited but that brings us back to why im doing all this- recognition? self-fulfillment? im definitely not altruistic in this respect. i have my flaws and this is one of it. maybe that's why i choose to be a twenty different places at once so that there will always be that chance that i can walk away feeling twenty times fulfilled and accomplished when in reality the more is less. i hope those who went enjoyed themselves. local music does have its perks. i wont forget this.

hmm did i mention i received two white slips this week. of course thanks to two peteachers. if i may be bold- yes they seem to be very good at doing this. effortless really. sure it was my fault, but i dont see why some people cannot be more understanding. i will stick by this- skipping assembly and thursday pe is nothing in relation to the bigger working of things, of life. but maybe for some their lives revolve around an occupation that doesnt give enough satisfaction. do not ask me to compare your responsibility to your job to my responsibility to a lesson that allows me to play floorball for 15 mins while the other 45 mins im either waiting for my classmates to change (because they take 20 mins in their own sweet time) or waiting with them while other classes hog the playing ground. it is just not the same and i cant believe i didnt spit and vomit out what i really felt. i do my own health good because i know what im doing. my fitness level isnt a fail, in fact- it has always been a gold till recently when coming in 1 second late gave me a silver. if you are worried you will be letting those trees used to manufacture your white slips die in vain- then hey i can spit out so many names deserving of a whiteslip. but why do i not do that? because i think it's stupid! catching pple for the lamest and most trivial of reasons. i cant believe that the school is wasting resources on such shows of morality. i dont see you taking extra measures on your councillors- some of whom not only have skirts like mini skirts, they have hair that scream highlights, so please please catch me because im a role model turned rebel! so it's my turn to be understanding and yes i will have to accept those two white slips without a word even though they are my first ever two white slips on my otherwise untainted record and i received both of them within 3 days of each other. at the end of the day, it sucks to be you so there's no point in me being angry. i have learnt my lesson, but am thoroughly disappointed with the rationale behind the catching. when i was running with abhi the other day, a certain teacher said to us: "you can run or collapse at home it doesnt matter i dont care it's your own business your parents' business. but you run here, in slippers with pple knowing youre with the school, what would pple say abt us. who will be answerable if you collapse? me!" so yeah it's all about you yeah? whatever happened to the welfare of the students? you people dont even get it clear why you are taking disciplinary action- and that's saddening.

chill. if this week has taught me anything, it's the fact that life is so much bigger.

you know sometimes ive taken you for granted, but only because i dont see you everyday. and sometimes i look back at all those times spent together and i really miss what we had. you are always the one who laughs, who smiles, who makes others happy. and for once you disappear for real and this has to happen, and i dont know how to feel. it's like, it couldve happened to me, to anyone. i really miss you and all i wanna do is give you a big hug. because that's all i can do, and i feel so useless as a friend, but i guess my words and consolation can only do so much. they do not count for an ounce of sorrow or lost that you're going through. i can only pray that you will live for those who will continue to stay beside you, and know that youre always loved, such that when our time comes we will hopefully be ready to go, and let go.

you know sometimes when you wake up in the morning and it's a new day and you felt like yesterday was a bad dream- or rather you wish it was. we always think about what has happened and we get so absorbed that we forget to live for what is now and what is to come. as a friend i hope you will look at what is in front of you, and only draw strength from what has passed- because it's your move now, and we'll always be there for you.

i dare you to move
i dare you to move
i dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
i dare you to move
i dare you to move
like today never happened
today never happened before...

sanguine

2006-04-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

i think i like things plain and simple nowadays.
nothing else, no frills, just you and me, and the trees.

house party was only alright, not spectacular, lots of stuff to improve upon.
but i guess, most people had fun, especially those who stayed on. in that sense i must say we did the best we could with circumstances. thank you all who made it possible- my fellow house commers, ms chen, the performers, the emcees, the av pple, kampung istemewa and whoever gave us permission to use the hall and what not. and of course those who actually came for the fun of it, not just the food, which was undeniably good. i hope you guys took away something from it, be it a prize, some laughter, or a new acquaintance from moor tarbet. sometimes things do not have to exceed expectations- they just have to meet expectations, even when expectations weren't there in the first place.

for me i had fun, although i was running about clearing up, settling stuff, putting up decor, meeting pple, distributing papadums and cutting watermelons here and there. im thankful to those who helped in one way or another, especially during cleanup. it was a breeze! and later dani james jerry and i went off to macs for some supper/dinner. it was over, but i guess we were more tired than anything.

and so one event comes to a close. it wasnt as memorable as it shldve been, but i'll be content with what we had. some pple actually said it was fun and good- i guess its a matter of being willing to have fun. if u came with the intention of leaving after the food, then i suppose the whole thing mustve been a drag :]

i keep thinking what all my ccas have prepared/are preparing me for. i think i know what for some, and for others, well, i guess we dont really know what will help us in the future. a lot of my experiences, im thankful to have them. some of them from young have already come in useful thus far, and sometimes of course i wish i did more and learnt more and picked up more, so that i wldnt be so helpless in some areas now. but every little bit that we can do we do. im not gonna force myself but i think i know what i want enough to work towards it.

oh yeah today i started SAT prep! which is kinda running against time but better late than never! slowly but steadily. i think i will do and read a little a day, and not let it slip. i think im gonna do that for math too, cuz i have to. speaking of which, common tests have resulted in a BADE lineup, perhaps suggesting i shld bade goodbye to all my other frivolous committments. i promise myself i will shirk off all responsibilities pretty soon and meanwhile im just gonna gear up for that exhausting stretch that lies ahead. im not terribly disappointed with results i guess- partly cuz i know i can do so much better. just needa find the power within me.

pw much to my relief was a band 1! and for the whole group too! for the record, huge thanks to shirin, glen and trix for the wonderful moments spent together- short and few, but nonetheless priceless. we really worked so hard towards the end and i think we deserved it :] to all those who didnt get what they wanted im gonna seem hypocritical but yet extremely practical: dont worry, it's only pw. we know in time to come it wldnt matter that much anyway. anw i think i was the only one in class who bothered to thank mrs jai singh. poor woman everyone discredits/blames her! to her defence i shall jump! seriously, i dont get where all that ingratitude is coming from. there is so much cynicism and animosity i feel so bewildered. but then again, best be aloof and zen abt such things. it's amazing how sometimes i seem to be the most explosive in class, and at other times, the most at peace.

good friday meant nothing to me religiously. because i have not one to believe in. then again i felt guilty wasting it away like some horrid potato couch that got mashed by my own sloth. woke up at 2pm. watched tv/tapes till 7pm. and then attempted to understand math. today i woke up to the call for lunch- went out to hanabi restaurant and ate hell lot of japanese food on buffet. it was good though. my first try at sashimi too- which i must say was so tasteless and disappointing that im not keen to try it again. then dropped by alan optics again to check my permanent lenses and after bumming around at home went out again for dinner and yes i finally got a proper line. so my number's gonna change and im really gonna miss it and i must say goodbye to all my messages and photos too cuz im gonna change my phone.

but like i said- i just want things simple and easy now. i guess this could be a start.

R.E.D.

2006-04-12T08:40:00.000-07:00

house party is tomorrow and im really excited!
a lot of details are a blur to me but im sure things will work out eventually.
you know, after tomorrow, our lives in house comm wouldve pretty much come to an end. that makes me very sad. you know watching the j1s go through their campaign speeches in lt4 made us think back on how we did ours in the very same lt just one year ago. and i rmbr that tomato of mine- the big one still on my class noticeboard. and i rmbr james singing and playing the guitar, ajit being his cocky self and leslie talking some crap. but it was all so much fun! who wldve guessed?! and our first meeting at macdonalds, and the voting process at junyi's house. man i dont think we can ever relive those times again. i think ive been taking a lot of moor tarbet stuff for granted without even realizing it. but one thing's true- im gonna look back and smile. because it's truly been an amazing journey. when i went back to tao payoh outside hdb hub i was instantly reminded of the time jerry leslie belicia and i went out to buy stuff while the rest were back in school making small heart badges. i felt i bonded with them a bit more than if i wld have if we stayed in school :] belicia i wont forget either cuz we worked very closely on the banner and i rmbr her accomodating us at her house- we went there to sleep lah hahaha!
i guess all that doesnt have to end tmr. we will have fun, hopefully make it the best party ever- and we'll have so much more to take away from it.

anyway these past two days- been shopping- alone. it's kinda sad i tell you, but looking back actually rather therapeutic. trooped down to j8 yesterday and yes noone was there to accompany me i wonder how i get myself into situations like these. you know, just wondering aimlessly. but anyhow i found myself in that and walking into shops like mini-toons and looking at cutesy stuff for ms ditzy or whatever was simply weirdd. anw i practically roamed the whole place top to basement, and finally ending it off with a round in ntuc. saw some life there- met mitchell and ongweiqi, who were buying water and apples respectively. i was like -_- now that's what i call weird hahaha. ok but i was obviously the loser cuz i left the entire complex without buying anything- just some notes on the prices. i guess i was walking and walking and now im thinking of that poem which talked abt supermarket shelves. anyway yeah i felt like that. which is i dunno what. i suppose i was suspended in time and it reminded me of those days i had so much time i cld follow my mum to the supermarket. it's crazy i dont even have time for that now! so there i was- soaking it up for all it was worth.

tried getting someone to follow me today but noone cld make it. it was meant to be a 2a outing alan! see lah. haha nvm so anw i spent some time helping junyi prep for R.E.D. blew balloons and went round pasting them. cc and jo kindly helped carry chairs back to humz lounge from the pw room. for some strange reason noone is claiming their stuff! except the few who came. grrrr. they have been warned. im gonna absorb everything else i tell you. rushed off to IMM and headed straight for Daiso. coooool stuff there. and all at two bucks so i had a fun time pushing the trawley around and ticking things off my list. i dont think theyre too cheapskate- at least i hope not. all in good fun lah. plus i have some goodies from my dad. so shld be sufficient. i didnt like the bus waits. but as i sat there thinking about nothing, i felt like nothing was there to bother me. and boy did that feel good. all i need now is some good sleep.

i like parties. rp party for one, which i forgot to mention in the entry below, yeah it was great! the costume theme "outrageous" worked pretty well and pandan valley saw weirdos from aysuria and jean the japanese school girls to darren and ryand the ninjas, from jerrine and me the wannabe elvises to yilun the afro retro ghetto girl who danced on the table haha. oh and janessa was in this cool red army outfit and it was so intimidating- pple like shumin looked like a japanese clown- so cute! jade came in a bunny outfit gasp! and there was cardcaptor sakura and hawaiin girl and so much more. haha yeah i wish everyone was there- but not everybody could be. it was a night to remember, amidst all the haunted house stress. it gave me great satisfaction to hold it at my place so i really didnt mind cleaning up. we shld party again! yes yes i need lots of parties.

but you see, im not sure how much time i have left for myself. i need to discipline myself for SATs. i need to start reading back on math notes, econs stuff too. and history's almost a mess! heart of darkness confuses me. so you see, with college play and guitar concert and rmun and dreamix all coming up, im gonna have to be a fighter for just a little while more.

can lah. podium whoring was fun today, no doubt :] and i dont want it to end, not now, not ever.

perfectly

2006-04-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

late nights.
contemplative. but then again, no enough time to contemplate, although the mood is right.
so much has happened, in such a short time, it's almost scary how time is just a concept that we came up with, and how now we are defined by it, subjected to it.
no more late nights for me, i hope. and all my pimples subsided today :]
this is my 100th entry on blogspot! a cause for celebration, no?

well, there are other things to celebrate, i guess. yes, we won raffles trail! haha, i still cant believe it. you know, this means much more than 5 ipod videos. this achievement is smthing that all of us old friends can share and cherish forever. it's somewhat of a culmination of those days spent watching amazing race, be it together or apart. i dont watch the amazing race anymore, not survivor, not the apprentice- reality tv leaves little time for reality- but i still have that warm tingle inside of me when i hear them talk about it, or when i see the ads on the tv. oh how i long to be part of reality tv all over again. funny how it was once such a big part of my life- i breathed it- and now all that's left is my unreliable memory of the old seasons, and my denial to accept that it has moved on without me. somewhat like pokemon. i dont understand all that gold silver platinum trash that's rampaging the market right now. i dont even get the art now. they all look so weird and mutated. i guess we change, huh? make that the biggest understatement. of tonight.

jonathan, alan, zhengyi and nash! you guys really kept me going you know that? we kept saying we would win but how many of us really believed it? i dont know i guess a large part of me believe we could but for it to actually come true it was like a dream! and you know what i dont think i celebrated enough that day so yeah here goes im gloating and im boasting and im screaming at the top of my lungs....WHOO HOO. thank you thank you. team 48's the best. thanks for all that running, encouragement, and sweating it out in the middle of orchard road and botanical gardens, mt sinai and raffles place, hdb hub and buckley road. thanks for eating those ration buns and waiting for 156 and drinking ribena together and i dunno just staying together. because, that's what we do, right? and that's what we're gonna keep doing. i think cc's right in saying it speaks a lot abt our bond, our friendship. nobody got us, but we got them. i think we ought to be real proud of ourselves. if there was some kind of recognition, this is it! but yeah meanwhile, just enjoy the damn ipod haha. speaking of which i still dont have mine who has it?!

ok distractions on msn and i dont feel like blogging anymore how fickle can i get. raffles trail was something so distant i guess, i got excited at the prospect of it and when i realized how busy i was gonna be the same week i sort of lost a little hope. but it was that hope that kept us going :] anyhow, haunted house was one of the other major highlights. 1938. what started of as a hazy concept- those early days talking to yingsze on the bus, and having meetings in my classroom and in the canteen on a saturday after syf. debating abt whether to go ahead at fish and co, as we cldnt get pac anymore. the av room my gawd. how the hell did we transform it? it shldve taken weeks! but we did it in days! i felt bad for the j1s- their lives changed ever since that meeting on monday, what with the thursday list and datelines to rush and lights and trashbags and oh gosh i dont think i will ever stop associating trashbags with 1938 again. it was just magical! how everything just eased into placed. well, it wasnt easy mind you, but i must say im thankful for everyone who made it easier, in so many ways. you know who you are. the whole of rp, in fact. those who really helped, and at least showed some support. class throwing stuff out was crazy, me yelling was naughty, but it was all worth the trouble, i felt. and for a good cause too, let's not forget. so there, doll's room, office, dressing room, opium room, tunnel, no name room, femme fatale room and dark room. i wont forget any of you. you were just flimsy ideas but you came alive. we did it. rp did it. im proud of ourselves :] good job guys, and thanks a million.

i hate it when i ought to be blogging much smoothly but something's getting in my way. and i dont know what. anyway my past two weeks were mainly occupied with these stuff. running about doing sets and props for haunted house, making endless calls, smses, trying to borrow stuff, stealing stuff. the thrill, really. i rmbr the day of rp gm all my ccas wanted a bit of me. as of now i think i know where i stand. i think i know what i want, and what im ready to let go off. frankly, raffles rock has been a burden to me, and ive been a burden to it, too. so yeah, after dreamix, im leaving. there's nothing left for me to do anyway. and i dont exactly like the pple there either. they have the stupidest notions and their way of getting pple to do things is just irksome. you want me to do it you dont bug me unnecessarily. and stop imposing your stupid ideas on me cuz im not doing your bidding like some lap dog of yours. kiss my ass. this is my space, i'll be frank, so you just watch me- and silently. as for art club, argh i dont wanna give it up. but seriously, what have i given it? nothing. i hate that this year they got a real art teacher we can learn from, and im not cherishing this opportunity. nvm, ruth has been too kind to me- i'll have to talk to her again. i like some pple there- i actually miss them. strangely, when i was designing the dreamix programme and the moor tarbet badges, i was suddenly reminded of my desire to just sit there all day and play around with colour and design and what not. i need art. art keeps me alive. but can i do it professionally, or dedicate to it like it's some work or duty or committment? nah i dont think so. i doodle at my own free will- and that's art to me. i'll have it no other way. ra mag has just been beyond my reach. i dont know whats happening now. i guess i dont really bother either. but i actually enjoy it sometimes- so this will have to wait.

i think to get what i want i need to work for it. i have for some, for others i havent. obviously i need to prioritize. and when there's too much i think it's about time i acknowledge ive been fooling myself into thinking i could handle all this all at once. i cant. im no super man. i am me. and i wont change for anyone.

been a week of good music coming together as well. edwin mccain's i'll be is just irresistibly charming. shakira's hip's dont lie makes you wanna stand up and swing those tootsies. the wreckers' perfectly keeps me grooving and glued to rbc. haha i guess with my ipod i wont be needing rbc that often anymore huh? well well well. but yes good music shld be celebrated!

and so should good tv! my tv schedule goes as such now:
monday: desperate housewives, grey's anatomy
the former's finally picking up to some interesting storyline. i think i like eva longoria a lot more now :]] grey's is just fantastic as ever and i finally understood why sandra oh cld win an acting award when she cried in lats week's episode. and for the record, my favourite character is actually bailey. she keeps snapping and that attitude is adorable, in a weird way. when her friend died, i felt like crying with her too. sigh.
tuesday: charmed
i cant get enough of this magic. piper piper piper! you make me wanna cry when you look so sad you know that? you charm and mesmerize me all the time, anyway. yes this is a must.
wednesday/thursday: american idol
finally caught up with tapes. i think paris is cute, kellie slightly irritating, elliot very funny, basically i dont know who to support. i guess they are all likeable now. the music rocks!
thursday: lost
im kinda lost as to the progress of this. needa watch tapes. but it looks good. better not end on a cliffhanger again or i swear i will kill the producer.
so there you go im a diminished tv addict. celebrate!

zee's bday! another celebration! i hope we made it special for him, i really do! got him a cake, and a box of presents. i got him foreign film vcds, titles i forgot already, haha, but i hope he enjoys. he's been looking so down i guess raffles trail and his bday perked him up a little. hopefully things will go well for him now. happy 18th boy!

oh speaking of which common tests have sucked. haha but im not particularly worried. i should be, but i aint. i know i will work it out somehow. right now my mind is chanting SATs. tons of academic stuff to sort out. did ns registration today. online server is crap but yeah i guess im ready for whatever whenever. you know what was talking to wanqing the other day and we said smthing abt being selfish and you know doing community service- i said im just too busy and self absorbed with my current life that i just dont have time for community work. she said it's normal but i guess if it's normal then it's a very sad world we live in right? but anyhow i am truly busy as hell. haunted house's over but there's still dreamix publicity, shifting gears design, hissoc rmun, guitar mc, and moor tarbet house party to go. then hopefully i will be free :]

but then, what would i do? i guess i could start by packing my table. which is a mess. a complete mess, just like my life. im peeved i cldnt join them for iceskating today. hist s got in the way. i have a sudden craving for ice cream and chilling out. jean promised to go with me sometime this week. we shall! it's the little slack segments that i enjoy. i think i need to spend more time with friends soon. roadrunners pppp on saturday after haunted house was a gem. pity not all were there at once. im so thankful for all of them- we must get together for real again :] it's great how we can chat so easily and carefreely. so yeah- im caught in a dilemma- but my academics has been on hold for far too long i think it's about time i become a hermit and start shutting off some doors. i must choose between what's easy and what's right.

all in good time, everything should sort itself out. i just know it will. and im gonna let it shine shine shine...meanwhile im gonna regret sleeping this late. till then, im a bone marrow member now! good job everyone who made this week especially orange :]

plug:
come for R.E.D, Moor Tarbet house party, 13 April.
come for guitar concert, 19 April.
come for DREAMix, raffles rock concert, 21 April. ask me for tickets!
come for Shifting Gears, rp double bill, 19, 20 may. coming soon!

this song by Jessica Harp/The Wreckers has been playing in my head since ages ago:

I like who I am but I guess you don't
I think that I can but you think I won't
amount to anything at all
If you love me you sure show it strange
is there anything that you wouldn't change?
I can't be your paper doll

I wanna be perfect, but I'm me
I wanna be flawless, but you see
every little crack, every chip every dent
every little mistake
I wanna be perfect just like you
but there's only so much that a girl can do
When I look in the mirror what I see makes sense to me,
yeah perfectly

I like tennis shoes you like high heels
and fantasies but I'm what's real
I guess you could say the shoe don't fit
maybe I'm from Venus, you're from Mars
my imperfections are what they are
I guess one of us must deal with it

I wanna be perfect, but I'm me
I wanna be flawless, but you see
every little crack, every chip every dent
every little mistake
I wanna be perfect just like you
but there's only so much that a girl can do
When I look in the mirror what I see makes sense to me,
yeah perfectly

Oh perfectly

I tried to fit in the mold that you made
but I'm tired of playing this little charade

I wanna be perfect, but I'm me
I wanna be flawless, but you see
every little crack, every chip every dent
every little mistake
I wanna be perfect just like you
but there's only so much that a girl can do
When I look in the mirror what I see makes sense to me,
yeah perfectly

doubt is my only faith

2006-03-25T03:58:00.000-08:00

today was history s talk on some national identity through singapore history. unfortunately it was a big disappointment to pple, and im especially upset that we cldve jolly well gotten in without paying 10 bucks. and although the food was good i cldve done without it cuz ive been eating so much these past few days. been piggin out u know. arghh so yeah so much for waking up early. gavin was very excited though- he was very proud of his CO and insisted we went to see them. anw it was nice seeing some old ri hist teachers around.

rushed to navjote's house which was just a walk away. played a little table soccer and then some fifa game on xbox. got trashed 7-0 haha gimme some blood i dont want no balls. was funny watching navjote practise indian flute hahaha. so anw jean and i followed feng to the busstop and trooped down to suntec. bought something at tower records which i cant say yet again. surprise! then we met charles and yeeler and rushed down to jubilee hall just on the dot.

doubt was gooooood. shorter than i thought but i really felt it and yeah my verdict is guilty but trying to sms my vote it wldnt get through so maybe it was some divine intervention. really thought provoking i thought the small cast did big things- fantastic- i enjoyed it. kept me awake! it was very nice of them to sit down with the director also to talk to us and answer questions. kewl stuff. isnt drama just enthralling.

some of us went to burger king and those losers failed to get me at zhong ji mi ma again mwhahaha. felt sian and went home. jean was good company this whole day so i must thank her. thanks sandra! and now as a tribute to sandra i shall do this blog quiz thingy which would put me at the same level as every other blogger- predictable- but i dont careee. sometimes you learn more about yourself by asking yourself questions:

1. Whats the earliest memory you have of yourself crying?
when i fell down and cut my chin with a milo powder can.
or when i got lost in some hotel lobby while my entire family went up the lift.
or when i kept rubbing my exercise book because i was a perfectionist and the page tore.

2. What time do you wake up in the morning?
officially 630am but my dad jolts me at 6am so i can snooze for two 15 minutes intervals.

3. Gold/silver?
i feel like a silver because there is something understated about it.

4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
v for vendetta babyy.

5. Fave tv show?
just shoot me. currently- grey's anatomy!

6. What do you have for breakfast?
usually bread and butter and jam with milo.

7. Who would you like to be left in a room with?
someone i like?

8. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
no but i can if i pull down my nose just a little. it's all part of the head touching feet soles- body discovering experience :] you never know what you find on your body sometimes. my body is a wonderland people!

9. What are you most afraid of?
a lot of times- dying. generally- failing, losing what i have/love. stuff like that.

10. What inspires you?
thought provoking stuff- can be a charismatic person, cheem stuff we learn, or music, acting etc.

11. Whats your middle name?
i am sam.

12. City, beach or country?
on impulse- country. leisure and grass fields and animals and tranquility. peace. frost.

13. Summer or winter?
on impulse- summer. sunshine and play and happiness and fun.

14. Buttered, plain or salted popcorn?
buttered!!!

15. Fave car?
red hot ferrari!

16. Fave sandwich filling?
tomato and egg.

17. Fave type of music?
pop and proud of it.

18. fave past-time?
watching tv. cuz that wld mean im really free, usually.

19. What characteristics do you despise?
conceit, hypocrisy, prejudice etc.

20. fave flower?
sunflower maybe- bright and happy.

21. If you had a big win in the lottery, how would you wanna spend it all?
adopt an endangered species- like a polar bear or panda.
materialistic stuff like cds dvds and clothes and books and shoes and gadgets.
throw a party and have lots of fun. donate some to charity- im serious.

22. Do you wear pyjamas?
yes of course. all the time at home after i bathe.

23. What colour are your eyes?
yellow.

24. how many keys are on your key rings?
two.

25. what is your fave day of the week?
on a monday im waiting
on a tuesday im fading
on a wednesday i cant sleep
- gotta be saturday mostly, or wednesday.

26. red or white wine?
red!

27. what did you do for your last birthday?
you know what i cant remember. it was a family dinner but i got nice wishes so yeah i was happy.

28. do you carry a donor card?
sperm donor? blood donor? what?!
i want to be a bone marrow donor- but i dont think i will pledge my organs.

29. say something nice about the person you got this from:
jean looks like sandra oh! who is a very good actress!
jean is really friendly and happy and good company.

30. who do you least expect to do this?
god.

31.what book are you reading now?
great expectations.

32.what's your favourite board game?
dont know.

33. favourite magazine?
cant think of one.

34. favourite smells?
pastry, ice cream, my body, rain, fresh fruit, nice book paper, home cooked food, sexy perfume.

35. comfort food?
pizza or fried rice.

36. favourite sound?
good music, quiet fluttering, rain pattering on umbrella, my voice, book flipping, moans and groans.

37. worst feeling in the world?
feeling nothing when there should be something.
or feeling everything or empty or irritated at the world, and angry with one's self.
knowing one has been cheated or abused or unfairly treated. feeling helpless. feeling cold.

38. what is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
what i dreamt of. what i will have to face. what time issit?

39. favourite fast food place?
generally macs.

40. future child's name?
contrary to popular belief, will not be mildred or moses!
dont tell you.

41. finish this statement: "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY, ........"
i would give it to pple i take pity on. help others. and splurge on myself and those i know and love. i would make paper cranes with them and earn a guiness book record. mwhaha.

42. do you sleep with stuffed animals?
technically i dont sleep with them, hello?! yes a few on the bed :]

43. what would be your first car?
red hot sexy ferrari!

44. favourite drink?
water, tea, fruit juice.

45. finish this statement, "IF I HAD THE TIME, ....."
i would cherish it, and all that happens with it. i would have fun and do things i wldnt normally have the chance to do, and walk away feeling fulfilled.

46. do you eat stems of broccoli?
yes and they are yummy. i ruminate like a cow.

47. if you could dye your hair any color, what color would you choose?
white.

48.What is under your bed?
basketballs and dust and stuff.

49. a note for all:
If heaven doesn't exist
What will we have missed
This life is the best we've ever had
- Tonight We Fly, The Divine Comedy